Listen to me, don't fuck up a good thing by confusing marriage with true love.

Marriage and love aren't the same thing. Plenty of people get married who don't love each other, and plenty of people love each other and don't get married.

It doesn't say anything about love on a marriage certificate.

It seems to me that your main fuck up is threatening a relationship you are seemingly enjoying, based solely on the fact that he doesn't really agree with marriage.

If there are other things wrong then fair enough, but it seems like self sabotage on your part.

Overall the whole marriage thing is not your actual problem here. You have 2 problems. 1 is that you have put so much emphasis on a ceremony that it's clouding your ability to recognise that real love feels like friendship must of the time with a sprinkling of romance and sex to whatever degree is enough for both of you. So step back and ask yourself, if you got married tomorrow and nothing else in your relationship changed, would you want it?

The 2nd is a lot more important. You've said you want emotional vulnerability from your partner. That's a valid and important need. It's also one that many men have been trained out of. It takes emotional maturity to be able to openly share your feelings and experiences in a vulnerable way and it's a much more common trait in women than men because of how we're respectively socialised. It's a skill so he can absolutely learn it, but he has to want to for himself and you can't make him. That's the conversation you really need to have, that you want more emotional intimacy than you're currently sharing.

Be prepared that he may be unwilling or unable to meet that need. It would be very painful but it's better to know that early and cut your losses. No amount of friendship and ease will stop you from feeling disconnected if you don't share emotional intimacy. You can consider if it's something you can get in other relationships, e.g. with friends, but if it's important to you in your primary relationship you need to sort out whether that's possible with this guy.

If you decide its a deal breaker, be aware that you will go through a lot of men before you find one of the few who is capable and willing. Men are actively trained to avoid their emotions and most are not willing to do the work and face the hard feelings that are necessary to build that skill. Especially at 24 while they're brains are still finishing up developing, though your generation has grown up with a lot more exposure to emotional intelligence than previous generations so you've got better odds than older women. Wishing you the best, this is such an unpleasant experience to go through

What you’ve described sounds like a loving relationship rather than a practical one. A practical relationship is like when friends agree to get together if they’re still single after X years, or a heterosexual marriage where one party is outwardly homosexual to avoid social stigma, or two people from different countries marrying for a green card. Your relationship ticks none of these boxes.

I’ve been married for 12 years, but my wife and I didn’t decide to get married as a symbol or declaration of our love for one another. It was a way of officialising our relationship in the eyes of the law, and an excuse to have a bit of a party. That’s all it was at the time, and 12 years later that’s how I still view it. Our love for one another hasn’t changed from before we got married. Our relationship is exactly the same now as it would’ve been if we decided marriage wasn’t worth it.

But you know what? She is my best friend. She is my roommate. That is love. Love isn’t about grand gestures, it’s about the pleasure you derive just from being together. It sounds like you still have that, so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about at all. You’re overthinking it and attributing the wrong value to what you have. Don’t fuck it up.

But marriage is over-romanticised and in the end it's just a contract and ticking a social checkbox of tradition. Why would you conclude he doesn't love you just because he doesn't want to marry you? You even listed the seemingly many things that are going good between you.

You two loving each other IS the only important thing. If you're looking for reassurance that he truly loves you, observe his actions over a long period of time. I can guarantee you there are plenty of married couples who treat each other like acquaintances most days out of the year.

" he thinks getting married is just a big party and signing a piece of paper and that it’s over romanticized " I mean it realistcally is. You got yourself a clever man. If you really want to do that he surely wouldnt mind doing you the favour though.

Just to give you another male perspective: I feel the same way about marriage as your boyfriend does, and I love my partner to bits. I would even argue that overly emphasising marriage is a big red flag, because to me that signals "I care more about the marriage than being together and loving each other".

Well, the good news: this isn't a TIFU. You didn't fuck anything up today.

The bad news: this is a IAFU (I am fucked up). Because you think a loving relationship can only exist in the context of marriage and are willing to destroy a perfectly fine relationship over this wrong assumption.

To be fair, at 24 I’d have said the same thing to my girlfriend about marriage but now I’m 33, 3 years married to her and I’d definitely be a big proponent of marriage. People change as they mature. That said, living together for a significant length of time without considering getting married is a bit suspect.

In terms of “practical or loving”, a loving relationship that isn’t practical isn’t going to last at all.

Marriage is an outdated concept. It's not romantic, it's a legal contract. It makes some people feel safe, but it actually does none of that effectively. It does not mean you will spend the rest of your life together. A verbal agreement that you intend to spend the rest of your life together is effectively the same thing. Equally valid. And equally unenforceable.

Marriage does not mean true love, no matter how you look at it. Its just language that implies true love, and the illusion or hope for true love for some people.

That said, you should be able to communicate freely with your partner about your values and work it out. What is true love? That is the question. He may truly love you, but is speaking in different terms.

Girl, you’re confused as hell. Get some therapy pronto before you end up fucking this one up.

You're looking for a man that really really wants to get married? Lol... I would say most men need a bit of a push towards it. If you haven't really talked about how you feel about it seriously, more than casually mentioning it on a car ride, then immediately shutting yourself down when he didn't have the exact same opinion as you, you need to make it clear that it's important to you... your fuck up here is expecting him to take small talk from a first date, and a short car conversation as you telling him you seriously need something.

> I want someone who really loves me. Who opens up to me emotionally. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I want someone I’m enamored with, that I want to marry.

Sorry to be harsh, but dream on. Relationships like that either don't happen at all, or the love element doesn't last, or is one-sided. You are far, far better off with:
> He marks off all the boxes, we have great communication, great sex, a great home life but a lot of times it feels like we’re just friends.

I speak as someone who's been in a relationship with my partner for the past 43 years, married for 36 of them, kids, grandkids. I love them, always have done, but in a practical way, not is a dreamy heads in the clouds way. Those people I know who had that kind of love, almost without exception ended up hurt. And in the exceptional cases, it developed into something more 'real'. And FWIW I, the man, pushed for the marriage after we'd had our daughter..

Lots of people don't believe in formal marriage. I've been with my SO for 8.5 years, we've got a kid, a house, and a dog together, and while we've talked about getting married, we're in no rush. We're functionally married, and we don't need a piece of paper from the government to formalise it.

​

ESPECIALLY after my first marriage ended in divorce after only two years.

OP my advice to you is to ignore everything that was said in your post on r/relationshipadvice. Stop worrying about the future and enjoy what you have now. Marriage is indeed an outdated formality that doesn't define a good relationship.

Why are you looking into marriage at 24? That seems a bit young for today, at least in my country. it’s not common thing until you hit 30.

marriage is 100% just a big party though, it’s more for families to get to know each other and bond

I think your definition of love is a bit naive, you can’t spend your whole life with someone and be enamoured them, that feeling will always fade, real love is more about dependability and whether or not you feel safe

Girl, this IS a loving relationship. It sounds like you want someone who makes a big show out of getting married and makes sweeping gestures of romance, and he wants a loving relationship with a partner he considers his best friend.

A word of caution: the relationships are all about infatuation and grand gestures flame out pretty quickly. The ones based on being best friends are the ones that last.

#neversatisfied. He checks all the boxes but...

I thought ya'll marry because of the tax benefit?

As others have said u have a good thing going here, dont ruin it over different view of marriage

Love is not always big romantic gestures, and it often feels like an easy friendship. Romance is one thing but a deep lasting connection is another thing completely. Emotional intimacy is a very valid want, however, unfortunately many men have not been socialised in this to feel comfortable in doing so. Be careful because if you leave a good thing the grass is not always greener. It may take a long time to find a man who is actually willing to be vulnerable, and he may not have the other qualities this man does. Talk to him, express your feelings and see if he is willing to learn to open up to you

Bro what is it with all these people talking about getting married, or having children in their early 20s I just do understand.

YOU LITERALLY SAID SEVERAL YEARS AGO YOU WERE READY MARRY SOMEONE LIKE MAYBE I DUNNO YOU ARE MOVING TOO FAST... like fuck even when you aren't in a relationship you are moving too fast.

People would get properly married way less if tax and state benefits werent included. In many states, insurance is only shared with your spouse and kids. Marriage is the most practical loveless part of your relationship and to equate it otherwise with a testament of love is to misunderstand its purpose in a modern world.

OP didn’t get the answers she wanted and has ghosted her own post smh. So much immaturity going on here.

I would give it some time. I things are going well, let it be for now. Many people are not ready to even consider marriage at 24. It is not at all unusual. I know my husband wouldn't have said he would never ever marry at 24. By the time I met him at 30, things were different.

It sounds like marriage is important to you, and that's fine. Give this guy some time. Give yourself some time to see if you really do love him, and you're just reacting to the disappointment at the moment.

Tbh I felt like moving in together had so much more impact on my day to day live than marriage. Do you expect anything to change after a wesding? For me it definitely didn't, and that's awesome and just the way we wanted it. Because the relationship should be good enough for the rest of your life to begin with. Just saying it out loud to a lot of people you know isn't meant for everyone. I never liked attention in my life and I would shit my pants at the idea of a wedding.

It sounds like you are afraid that he isn't as committed as you are. Just because he doesn't like the idea of a wedding doesn't mean hes not committed though. Take a step back, and try to analyse what you feel.

Is it the fear of his commitment? Is the rest of the relationship crumbling down or still strong? Do you want to marry him, or do you mostly want to get married?

I hope you'll figure it out! Maybe he's ready to spend the rest of his life with you, he just doesn't show it the same way as you!

Whoa whoa whoa, you have sex?
That's not a "practical" relationship. It's romantic, emotional, and physical.

Marriage is basically just a ceremony, a ritual. Fuck it.
Unless you're talking LEGAL MARRIAGE, which is a legal arrangement with lots of fine print and legalese about assets and how they are shared, divided, etc.

The paperwork, the ritual, what is it? What do you really want? And why is it SOOOOO incredibly symbolic to you? Notice its not symbolic to a lot of other people?

People get married, people get divorced. The difference is that people who are actually in love stick together. You said that you want ACTUAL love because he's supposed to want to marry you. Hello? You're having sex and stuff, that's love. That's actual. That's more actual than marriage. Marriage does NOT make that more actual. Not one bit.

What you really want to know is if he's ready to go long term with you and spend the rest of his life together. So ask him that, specifically. Marriage is NOT part of that conversation. Period. Find out what you need to know without getting confused about it.

He's young, he's going to say stupid stuff without knowing the depth of it, like the marriage talk you had. You need to talk to him and explain point by point, what's serious, how serious, why serious. Also explain that he needs to be on a commitment path that has some kind of end point and destination, like being able to say how ready he is and at what time.

Try replacing the word marriage with something along the line of, "Are you ready to put a baby in me, because I will leave your ass if that doesn't happen within X years or if you're not continually on a path toward making that happen. It matters. Period."

Then give him lots of time to think about it if he hasn't already.

True love is not a thing, stop believing in fairy tales. The head over heels in love feeling is an adrenaline response, that's why you have "fight flight or freeze" happening when you're trying to ask out a crush as a teenager.

Once you become comfortable with someone your love will turn into a more compassionate and nurturing love. If it doesn't you're likely in a one sided relationship and constantly on edge because you are unsure if they feel the same way.

As others have said, marriage is over romanticized....and if nothing else there are tax and social benefits (you can make medical decisions for your partner if they are not capable, etc) to getting married. Possibly bring up those practical aspects if it comes to it.

As others have said, don't ruin a good thing by getting stuck in your head.

This is a difficult issue. You say the sex is great and he’s a good friend, I can’t think of a better set up for a long term relationship. I married my best friend and couldn’t be happier, but it sounds like he isn’t fulfilling some of your needs emotionally. Believe people when they tell you who they are. He is telling you he isn’t overly emotional and doesn’t care about marriage. I would believe him. He is not going to suddenly wake up and change.

Communication is key. 24 is also really young for a man is this day and age. He may not want to think about marriage for a while. Or maybe he will. Communicate with him, not Reddit.

It's important to remember that it's okay to have doubts and to question whether this relationship is right for you. It's also okay to want someone who is emotionally open and wants the same things as you, including marriage.

As someone who's been to weddings of 200 people and also 8 people, the wedding is typically not for you and your partner. It's usually a large waste of money to spend 3-4 minutes talking with relatives you didn't bother to speak to for the last few years.

The most intimate wedding I went to was the incredibly small event with 8 of us, we all sat and spoke over a meal, we enjoyed the day. There was no white dress, no groomsmen or bridesmaids, a cake made by the bride herself. It was a true "showing of love" between two people.

I would question why you feel a "large display of love" in a public setting is necessary. Fiscally speaking, weddings are disastrous, it usually kills off the more responsible outlooks of home deposits or preparing for a child. It is a lot of faff. It's akin to a very expensive valentines day, if your partner thinks just showing love on significant days is what they should do, this is a red flag, if they're willing to show love and be kind and compassionate without the need for a public event this is a win and something to be thankful for.

It feels as if you've internalised some big day in a white dress to constitute love, it is an old notion which had it's part in society as it gave some legal rights to women who didn't have them in the event of the husband dying. As to why you feel it necessary feels more alien to me than him not wanting one.

"Hi I have everything I could want and check off all the boxes but I'm not happy cuz I want it all!"

Bro he is opening up to you and it is emotionally, it just doesn't fit your own narrative in your head. You rehearse the scenario playing out over and over again in your head this specific way, so you're now upset because it isn't that. All I hear in this is me me Me me!! Absolute zero consideration for how he feels, his own perspective, accepting him as he is etc. you are immature and childish and now you're pushing him away becuse you're not getting what you want. Grow up or let him go so he can make someone who actually cares about their relationship and not just themselves happy.

Listen youngling. As someone through it all. Dont confuse love and marriage. Fuck marriage. It really is a shitty paper. Getting a divorce is so much harder. I found out the hard way. Seems like you found a sensible partner. Dont fuck it up.

So big issue i am seeing is that u r focused on the wedding and he lacks interest. This is followed by him not being enotionally open.

As for the wedding, he has a valid point with his concerbs. As men, we r normally screwed in any kind of divorce and short of some tax stuff and easier for children, we dobt really get much out of it that we couldnt get with just a dedicated dating relationship. His concerns may seem disheartening but remember that if he married u and somethinf happen he could b set to lose alot if u chose to b bitter in divorce. That level of risk is massive.

Next is the emotional state. It sucks he doesnt share his emotions but it is important to consider how men r socialized. We r taught early in life to toughen up (or man up depending on prefeted term) and deal with whatever happens. We r taught that being emotionally vulnerable is a sign of weakness to b avoided. He may have had previous relationships that burned him the moment he shown weakness. Maybe he feels embarressed or guilty trying to share, thinking he is just burdening u with his problems unnecessarily. U can attempt to reassure him in general but i can almost guarentee that, if he is uncomfortable with the marriage idea, the more u push for marriage the less he will b open. I wont give a what u should do cause i dont have enough info to do that but in general try to keep their perspective in mind and if u dont understand do as u have and ask questions. They will tell u, probably quickly, what they would prefer u do and u have to decide if it is worth it for u.

Im with my man since 1998... not married, 2 kids, we're having a good life.. we are ''engaged'' (Meaning we just gave each other a ring) aand that it... we dont need the stupid paper to know that we love each other.... So if he loves you and you lovee him, why screw it all for debts and a paper ,,, you dont need that to prove your love

To be honest with you, at 24 years old, I think you're too young to be thinking about marriage. You both should be enjoying each other's company and seeing where this leads in the future. For now, enjoy life and don't think too deeply about all of that.

If you guys are together after a few years and you both are still feeling differently about what you both want in the long term, then that's when you should be concerned. But if the relationship is in fact a loving one, then you both would come to a consesus that would work for both of you.

See, he's a dude. For him, marriage is only a financial liability. Sure you might never divorce him, but if you were to think about it eventually, the outcome would do everything but deter you from it. Not all men are willing to live with a damocles sword above their heads just for a pretty ceremony and rings to wear.

Now, you say this relationship is just practical, but is it a good relationship ? If it works why break it ? Because there's a chance that in the universe the perfect partner exists and that you would miraculously get him ? Cherish what you do have, instead of living in fantasies.

I almost lost my now wife because we got to the ten year mark and she asked what’s next we got a house a family will you marry me and I said no marriage is something I don’t want. However 4 months prior to this I had been out bought a ring and was waiting on our trip to Disneyland to propose. I managed to talk the doubts out of her and I played a big gamble and it payed off because 2 weeks after that conversation I got down on one knee and she said yes. I never really saw the whole thing with being married parents divorced multiple times etc however I seen how much she wanted it and i do not regret it at all one of the best days of my life

Marriage is totally A-ok and respectable. A wedding on the other hand? Total shit show that is only conducted to soothe the ego of many. It seems to me that he has a problem with the latter but not the former. You need to relax and enjoy your relationship. Let the chips fall where they may.

Unfortunately a ton of redditors are very immature about the idea of marriage, and in no way does this reflect real life.

Marriage is NOT a "piece of paper." Believe it or not, there is a commitment. Imagine having kids with someone you're not married to. Imagine trying to enter the hospital after they've been in an accident, but you're not next of kin.

For better or worse, society respects marriage. Saying "sorry, i cant attend the work dinner as my husband is waiting for me" is excusable, while "sorry my boyfriend is waiting for me" sounds immature to employers.

There are also tax benefits, housing and finance related benefits with loans, etc.

Right now, you guys are young. But if marriage is a deal breaker for you, then leave him. Hoping someone will change their mind after 3-5 years is wasted time and heartbreak.

And im seriously concerned with Gen Z if they think marriage is such a waste, that you should just throw all your standards out the window because "love is more important." lol right.