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bellesavage t1_ja73wul wrote

Overall the whole marriage thing is not your actual problem here. You have 2 problems. 1 is that you have put so much emphasis on a ceremony that it's clouding your ability to recognise that real love feels like friendship must of the time with a sprinkling of romance and sex to whatever degree is enough for both of you. So step back and ask yourself, if you got married tomorrow and nothing else in your relationship changed, would you want it?

The 2nd is a lot more important. You've said you want emotional vulnerability from your partner. That's a valid and important need. It's also one that many men have been trained out of. It takes emotional maturity to be able to openly share your feelings and experiences in a vulnerable way and it's a much more common trait in women than men because of how we're respectively socialised. It's a skill so he can absolutely learn it, but he has to want to for himself and you can't make him. That's the conversation you really need to have, that you want more emotional intimacy than you're currently sharing.

Be prepared that he may be unwilling or unable to meet that need. It would be very painful but it's better to know that early and cut your losses. No amount of friendship and ease will stop you from feeling disconnected if you don't share emotional intimacy. You can consider if it's something you can get in other relationships, e.g. with friends, but if it's important to you in your primary relationship you need to sort out whether that's possible with this guy.

If you decide its a deal breaker, be aware that you will go through a lot of men before you find one of the few who is capable and willing. Men are actively trained to avoid their emotions and most are not willing to do the work and face the hard feelings that are necessary to build that skill. Especially at 24 while they're brains are still finishing up developing, though your generation has grown up with a lot more exposure to emotional intelligence than previous generations so you've got better odds than older women. Wishing you the best, this is such an unpleasant experience to go through

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smelliepoo t1_ja76lba wrote

Totally agree with this. Long term relationships should be more like a friendship with sprinkles. I think of it as glowing embers that glow gently for longer rather than a hot flame that burns out quickly.

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Dames369 t1_ja7d7zv wrote

This is one of the most beautiful analogies I've ever read on relationships.

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TrypMole t1_ja7h29p wrote

Absolutely agree. Been together 22 years, married for 13 and the friendship is the important bit, plus you get great sex and all the other trimmings! Life together long term isn't a romantic whirlwind, practicality has to be an important part of that relationship. It sounds like your main problem is that you want a marriage (& a wedding) and it sounds like he doesn't.

This poster has Absolutely nailed it on the emotional intimacy so I have nothing to add there.

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Malessar t1_ja7hn5o wrote

Listen to his wisdom. Many times I traded good people for this quest for hot passion and romanticised things, only to later realize it was a true mistake. The one who loves you and cares for you is the one who will always have your back, not the one you are driven mega absolutely crazy about.

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ZeroRozuMagika t1_ja7rl88 wrote

He comforted me last night without knowing why I was crying and the way he was so kind and loving reminded me why I love him. I’d take all the wonderful things he is than risk it all in a gamble again. Thank you.

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