Homeless with a 3 year old

Submitted by ItalianMama95 t3_100k3cm in massachusetts

I am heading back to MA from visiting family in the UK for 2 months. My boyfriend was letting my 3 year old son and I stay with him when we got back, he’s even been using my car while I’ve been out of the country. Now we’re heading back in a week and he has told me he’s done with me and we can’t stay there. My son and I will be living in my car.

I will of course try to get shelter, however, they don’t have many spaces and are always full. I know this because I ended up living with my boyfriend shortly after meeting him because my sons dad was abusive and the shelters couldn’t give us a bed.

Can I get some ideas on how to keep my 3 year old entertained all day while living in a car?

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Comments

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Sufficient-Opposite3 t1_j2i5clj wrote

Can you stay in the UK with your family? Seems like that's a better choice than living in your car with your child.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2i9jqi wrote

I am a British citizen, I wish I could stay, my family want me to. However, my sons abusive dad is refusing to let us. It’s either face living in my car and being homeless or potentially deal with kidnapping charges.

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misterforsa t1_j2ien63 wrote

Would the law call it kidnapping in this case? Perhaps not given your circumstances. Even if it was kidnapping and you stay in UK permanently, I doubt the state of MA is gonna extradite you for it

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ifvgh wrote

Yea it would still class as kidnapping because it would be me refusing to bring his son back to him especially when we have notarized agreement.

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Golden_apple6492 t1_j2iib53 wrote

Hey OP, you might want to consider talking to Greater Boston Legal Services’ Relocation Project about the situation. They may be able to give you some advice about how to move towards permanently relocating back to the UK.

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LackingUtility t1_j2ih9vn wrote

That agreement may be unenforceable. Rather than coming back and being homeless, you may want to talk to a lawyer.

ETA: I'm starting to wonder if this is a creative writing exercise, given that OP hasn't responded to anyone pointing out that the "notarized agreement" is unenforceable and that kidnapping charges are highly unlikely if not impossible, while child endangerment charges and loss of custody are far more likely.

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dorkydancer t1_j2jj172 wrote

Not to mention their comment history looks sus af. The whole thing smells scammy to me. I’ve seen scammy people on Reddit use children as bait to get people to send them money. If this is legit, then my bad, but something seems off. Be careful friendly people.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jt2r3 wrote

Ive stated that I cannot just keep my child in the UK. My sons father was abusive and narcissistic. He has a lot of family in the US and contacts to the police and fire. He will definitely pursue kidnapping charges if I don’t bring my son back. No offense but you don’t know the person I’m dealing with or every detail about my situation. You say about scammy people trying to get money from people, I have had people reaching out to me offering to help me with money, clothes and general items for my child. I have said no, I’m not asking for money and my child is not in need of anything right now. I am simply asking for ideas to keep an active 3 year old entertained while living in a car while I pursue help with shelters because the chances of me getting a bed right away are very slim. Please do not make comments when you know nothing of the situation besides a few sentences. It can be very triggering for someone especially like myself when I’ve reached out to people before and they never want to help. I find it very hard to ask for help because everyone always wants my help but never want to help me. I don’t get as much help from the government because I am not a us citizen. So please be more thoughtful and kind with your words. Thank you and happy new year.

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LackingUtility t1_j2jtuuo wrote

I don’t know about your situation, but I am a Massachusetts lawyer. Everything you’ve said suggests that you’re wrong about the possibility of kidnapping charges, but that you will be putting your child in danger and likely lose custody if you do come to Massachusetts and live in your car.

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SpindriftRascal t1_j2jvhz1 wrote

On the given facts, OP is not wrong about the possibility of a kidnapping charge. See 18 USC 1204.

Of course, we have no way of predicting whether the father would file a complaint, or whether it would actually lead to an IPK charge, but it’s certainly possible. OP’s mention of kidnapping suggests to me that it has come up as a topic and she is wise to aware of the possibility.

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LackingUtility t1_j2jvvm9 wrote

Staying in the UK where the child is not homeless would likely not be considered intent to deprive the father of parental rights though. OP would also have a necessity defense.

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SpindriftRascal t1_j2jwepj wrote

Sure, I’d make that argument. But she doesn’t want to be in position to have to argue that, does she? I’m not opining on what she should do. I’m just pointing out that an IPK charge is certainly possible in this situation.

Edit: correcting omission of the word “in.”

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LackingUtility t1_j2k1bt7 wrote

She may…. We don’t have all the facts, hence why OP should talk to a lawyer.

But OP has ignored that advice every time it’s been given. I wonder if the kid wouldn’t be better off with the father.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jzoz6 wrote

Yes it has definitely come up in topic before hence why I am so cautious about it. Yes I know it is a real possibility as I have looked into. I have pleaded and begged his father to let me stay here or to take his son full time and he refuses. It’s all part of his control over me still from the abusive relationship.

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Any_Strawberry5747 t1_j2kdvbi wrote

Could this lawyer be any help? This lawyer is right that she is wrong about the possibility of kidnapping charges. The charges will go toward to the father for putting child in danger by putting you both without a roof to live on plus he has to pay child support so there is money which will get you place to stay.

The court system is more interested in seeing the mother and child have shelter than seeing them live in the car.

It sounded more of the father threatening which could get the father in trouble.

I d pray that the mother and the child will have shelter than seeing them living in the car.

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tasareinspace t1_j2jy9av wrote

Yeah, I'm a notary and like... all a notary does is confirm "yep, this person signed this piece of paper", the fact that it's notarized just means its confirmed that you signed it, it doesnt make or not make a contract enforceable if its not legal.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jtafj wrote

This is definitely not a creative writing piece. I am reaching out to shelters, don’t want to keep replying to people telling me to stay in the UK when that isn’t an option. I just want ideas to keep my 3 year old entertained while living in a car for a short time until a shelter has space for me.

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[deleted] t1_j2kijpt wrote

Puzzles, plastic bath toys, coloring books, markers, crayons, play dough, stamps and an ink pad. I recommend contacting HAWC. They help a lot. They have things in their office they can give you. Toiletries. Bedding. Clothing. Toys. They sometimes have gift cards for local grocery stores, etc.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2kp5g9 wrote

Thank you for the ideas. I haven’t heard of HAWC so I will look into them.

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[deleted] t1_j2kri8u wrote

I have used them in the past when I was leaving an abusive situation. They will help you fill out forms and help you figure out what steps to take. They also have an option where you can get free legal advice from a lawyer who works with them. They won’t be representing you - they won’t be YOUR lawyer - but they are lawyers who will meet with you for an hour and give you legal advice for questions you have. HAWC also has people who work inside the courthouse with victims and they will help you to fill out forms and sit with you in court and be a support system for you. My case ended up escalating to where the police messed up and I fought it so one of the lawyers from HAWC decided to be my lawyer with no charge. Not that they will always do that or be able to, but it’s possible.

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[deleted] t1_j2krmkl wrote

They can usually help you find a shelter too. Housing is backed up so bad, they can’t really shortcut that. But I definitely recommend going to them. I have myself.

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LackingUtility t1_j2kwtfy wrote

Why are you not replying to any of the people who pointed out how this path almost certainly will cause you to lose custody (and potentially face charges of neglect and child endangerment) and that talking to a lawyer is the best course of action?

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2kzfxl wrote

I have responded to a couple. I have no other choice. You do not know my child’s father the way I do. He also has connections to the police. He is controlling and it is all a way for him to control me. I have no other choice but to return to the US. I will be speaking with. DTA, DCF, Shelters, everywhere that I can to help seek shelter. Either way I’m at risk of losing my child. I’m and holding out hope that I will be given shelter. But I can’t control what space they have available. How about instead of trying to dig and accuse my situation of being fake, either provide some real advice for the question I’m asking or move on to another post. You’re not helping anyone right now with your comments.

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LackingUtility t1_j2l1k8c wrote

If this is real, this is the stupidest thing I've ever read. Let's you're telling the truth and your ex - in Massachusetts - really has strong connections to the police - presumably also in Massachusetts... So you're going to leave the UK, where your ex doesn't have connections to the bobbies, and going to a place where your ex has all the power, and you're likely going to be committing several crimes by endangering your child. Shit, why not just show up at your ex's house, throw a kilo of coke down like a smoke bomb, and hand him a pair of handcuffs?

Again, if this is real, here's some real advice - talk to a lawyer before you move back. There are free services for people in your position, both in the US and the UK. Heck, there's a dozen law schools in the Boston area that all have free clinics.

Or, alternately, just send your son to your ex. Because that's effectively what you're doing, and at least that way you'll stay out of jail.

But this probably isn't real, because at this point, it's just too stupid to be believed.

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mallorn_hugger t1_j2ojtqn wrote

I suspect drugs are involved here. Not because she's in an abusive relationship, and not because she is facing homelessness, but because of her nonsensical arguments.

When I had a friend who had a son about the same age, just under three, she had me help her escape her abusive husband. Don't get me wrong, he was an asshole. However, she was back on drugs and was lying through her teeth about it. She made circular arguments like this that made absolutely no sense. She hyped up her victim status, adding more and more embellishments to her husband's behavior. I have no doubt that her husband was a bad man, and I blame his abusive, controlling behavior has the thing that ultimately brought her back to drugs. However, in hindsight, I understand how much she was blowing things up, exaggerating, and lying. The drug use was also making her paranoid, hypervigilant, and skewing her perceptions of reality.

The question here shouldn't be "how can I keep my 3-year-old entertained in a car all day", but "how can I keep us from living in our car". Blows my mind that she has made these assumptions, without even consulting a lawyer. My friend also refused to follow legal advice, and kept lying and trying to manipulate the system, and trying to get people to believe her as a victim. Ultimately, she permanently lost custody of her son. I am not in touch with her anymore, but I know that her husband has full custody and she has visitation rights, and it has now been 5 years.

OP, if you read this, for the love, talk to a lawyer and follow their advice. At least make a post over on r/legal. You are saying things, and making assumptions about the system, that just simply do not make sense. It's like you're getting all of your understanding of the world from a Lifetime movie. That's why people are having a hard time believing you. No one can understand why you would leave home and shelter with your parents, to come live in your car with a preschooler in a Massachusetts winter. If a lawyer tells you it is in your best interest to do so, well that would make that decision make a lot more sense, but to assume that is your only option ( regardless of how bad your ex is, and whether or not he has connections to police) without finding out whether or not that is true is ridiculous. At the end of the day, police actually have very little say over any of this. Custody is determined by the courts, not by police. The police cannot actually legally take your child from you, without a court order, and even then DCF would also be involved. I know this for a fact, because of what I went through with my friend. Also, my father is a lawyer. It doesn't matter how many friends he has, unless they are all willing to give up their careers, the police are not just going to come in and take your kid. That is just not how it works. Now, he could take hold of the kid and refuse to give the kid back to you, and for the same reasons, the police could not take the child away from him. He is the child's legal father, and without a court order, the child cannot be removed from his custody. That is how my friend lost her son. Her husband showed up at their house, and took their child, and she never had custody of the child again. Granted, he took the child while my friend was high on drugs, and my friend lost her child because she couldn't pass a drug test. If my friend had passed her drug test, and hadn't been actively using, the courts would have worked out a custody order, and she would have had shared custody, or perhaps full custody, because her husband was no Peach either. That poor kid. He really got the short end of the stick....

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MalyutkaB t1_j2l7lbc wrote

No no, he is controlling and manipulating so she must come back, live in a car, lose her child and then?????

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GalacticP t1_j2kp7cm wrote

You’re the one telling us that none of the shelters in multiple states had room for you before. Why are you so sure this time will be different?

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2kpi4g wrote

Im not saying it will be different. That is why I am seeking ways to entertain my child while living out of a car until I can get space in a shelter or secure childcare and a job and get an apartment.

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fendent t1_j2iimke wrote

Speak to a lawyer about this rather than making assumptions (if you haven’t already). Agreements are only enforceable if a judge agrees. Family courts are (supposed to be) about the safety and best interests of the child.

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misterforsa t1_j2ihni8 wrote

As the other guy said, if kidnapping charges are you're biggest concern, talk to a lawyer. You're right to a safety and shelter should supersede the abusive father's right to your child. There shouldn't be any reason to return to the states when you have family in UK willing to take you in.

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pro_auto_advisors t1_j2in7iq wrote

Not a lawyer but this is an important distinction.

Is it a court ordered agreement, or merely an agreement between the two of you that was notarized?

The fact that it is notarized doesn’t necessarily make it legally enforceable. If it came from a legal authority then the story is different.

Please seek legal counsel to understand your options.

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SpindriftRascal t1_j2jvzzu wrote

No; the story is the same. The federal statute criminalizing international parental kidnapping treats custody the same “whether arising by operation of law, court order, or legally binding agreement of the parties.”

OP - do not take legal advice from Reddit. Not even from lawyers on Reddit. They’re often wrong.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jtfdz wrote

We don’t have any custody agreements through the courts. We both have joint custody right now

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LackingUtility t1_j2jvgz6 wrote

Then your notarized agreement means nothing, and you can’t get kidnapping charges. If he ex tries, the cops will say it’s civil, not criminal, and to take it up with the court.

If you come here and endanger your kid by sleeping in your car in a New England winter, you probably will lose the kid though. If they survive, that is.

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Crunchyundies t1_j2isqi5 wrote

No… no it would not. Take control of your life. Stop letting men dictate what you do. No court would prosecute you for staying there in order to not make your child homeless

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SaveCachalot346 t1_j2ipua0 wrote

Could you take legal action to get full custody whilst living in the UK temporarily

>bring his son back to him especially when we have notarized

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chickadeedadee2185 t1_j2jboyc wrote

Yes, they would. Don't doubt anything when it comes to child welfare especially if Dad pushes it. Bad advice.

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new_Australis t1_j2ig321 wrote

Kidnapping charges? Doubtful. The obvious choice is to stay in the uk with your family, coming to mass and spending the winter sleeping in your car with a child is not a logical choice.

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ICQME t1_j2iuq0g wrote

I imagine CPS would take the child away and/or the dad would get full custody if mom is homeless. returning makes no sense if there's family to stay with in the UK

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buried_lede t1_j2jccjq wrote

Court ordered custody arrangements are no joke. Parents are arrested for kidnapping routinely. But OP hasn't said if this is court ordered and also, considering she is homeless and her ex is abusive, I think she should call the Boston legal resource someone mentioned to address her relocation questions

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notanotheramber t1_j2itxsw wrote

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Living in a car will default child to "abusive" dad immediately. Get your shit together, stop worrying about dating, and provide a stable life for your child. Your run out of one man's arms into another.

Not to mention the kid has a passport in your possession and left the country with you legally. Don't make stupid excuses for sympathy.

Also: your biggest concern is keeping the child entertained in a car... But the ex is giving back the car

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ju4hi wrote

I had no choice but to move in with this man, I felt like my life was in danger. I called every shelter in MA, RI and CT and not a single shelter could help me. I called for months.

Also my ex has to give me back my car when I return as it is my car, solely in my name.

Who are you to judge? If you have nothing nice to say keep your judge comments to yourself or take them elsewhere. I am seeking advice while I do what I know I need to do. I put my son first always. They will not take my son if I am seeking shelter and working with a shelter to find a place. Just because you’re life is easier than mine don’t tell me to focus on providing a stable life for my child when that is exactly what I am doing, alone in a country with no help or guidance.

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notanotheramber t1_j2juqss wrote

So if you had to move in with him you should have been making moves for your own spot from second one and not relied on him for anything. Must be nice to be "homeless" yet fly over seas for holidays... "Hey family, I'm f'n homeless, can I get a deposit on a place instead of 2 plane tickets?" Or if you bought the plane tickets then you should have known better.

These are dumb decisions. I am judging. I'm a single mom. Get it together it's about your child, not you. Keeping my child safe and housed is priority one, I didn't date or have sex for 4 years after her father left. Don't tell me whose life is easier, I just put my kid first. You probably got an iphone too. Just dumb.

Edit: also.... How to keep my 3 year old busy in a car we live in.... Why? Would the bored 3 year old ruin your good time? Yes. The entertainment of the 3 year old is what's important here. Stupid.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jzdwe wrote

Excuse you, maybe if you had read other comments then you would learn that I did make moves for my own place. I was in transitional housing. My sons daycare closed in June suddenly so I lost my job due to lack of childcare. I couldn’t just leave him with family or a friend because I have none in the us. If I can’t work, guess what, I can’t pay the fee to stay in transitional housing. The shelter gave me 30 days notice and said I had to leave. My mother bought our plane tickets to the uk and has been paying for us for the last 2 months and has given me money to help. However, I can’t just get an apartment without enough money for first, last and deposit or 2 of those. I can’t get an apartment without a job showing I have 3x the rent. I can’t get a job without childcare. So don’t talk to me about knowing better, I made decisions from the options I had. Maybe you would have done different but our situations are different, our options in life are different, you do not face the same struggles as me. So take your unkind words elsewhere because you are not helping me or my situation in anyway and just bringing more negativity to a bad situation. Way to kick another mother whilst she’s already down.

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cassettecollect t1_j2khigv wrote

All the comments are telling you the same thing. If you come here and endanger your child, you will lose custody.

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GrimeyPipes27 t1_j2ijtzg wrote

Your a mom in Massachusetts. Unless your an abusive drug addict piece of shit (I am not at all saying that you are, to be clear) the courts will rule in your favor. Especially if you have any proof of abuse. I wish you the best of luck.

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JurisDoctor t1_j2jq4y3 wrote

You need to talk to some UK lawyers and stay there. Don't bring that child back to homelessness in a New England winter.

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Available-Diet-4886 t1_j2j3xgh wrote

Talk to a lawyer. You don't want to risk child services taking your child in Massachusetts and sending them to your ex. It may make the situation of custody harder for you.

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furtyfive t1_j2jw75o wrote

check with a lawyer - if youre a uk citizen, there may not be a lot the bio dad can do if you decide to stay there, especially given your circumstances with housing. i have 2 american citizen friends who have had spouses or former partners take the kid to their own home country and it was a next-to-impossible/herculanean task to try and get kids back. countries were france and italy.

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Flatout_87 t1_j2i80uf wrote

I second this. Europe is a much better place… is your family in UK your parents? I really don’t think they will turn their daughter and grandson away if so…

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[deleted] t1_j2i9785 wrote

[deleted]

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misterforsa t1_j2ieqme wrote

OP is a British citizen. The child is not

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ifyiw wrote

Child is both a British and American citizen, I am a British Citizen with a green card

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Linux-Is-Best t1_j2iwxik wrote

> Child is both a British and American citizen, I am a British Citizen with a green card

You have every reason and right to stay in the UK then. Coming back to America, as he wants, is a bad idea, and he knows it (likely why he wants you to do it).

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piggyazlea t1_j2ijxxc wrote

If I were in your shoes, I would stay in the UK with support and shelter and basic necessities. This is what is best for a child.

No one can live comfortably or feasibly in a car in the winter, in Massachusetts. Temps drop below 0. You will freeze to death, literally. It is not fair to you or your child if you are living in a car without any necessities or funds to get those necessities.

Once your child reaches school age, teachers and school personnel will most likely contact DCF if they find out the child is living in a car in the winter. Although it is not your fault, the cold temps and absence of basic necessities at home (a bed, shower, food, etc), school personnel are required by law to file with DCF.

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MissLizzCeeVee t1_j2i1lkh wrote

If you go to a local DTA (department of transitional assistance), they can help you with shelter (may be a wait list). They may also be able to assist you with getting your child some sort of subsidy or voucher for childcare. Where in Mass will you be?

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MissLizzCeeVee t1_j2i1q3f wrote

You should also visit HAWC (DV support)- It sounds like you are homeless due to having left an abusive and unsafe situation which gives you priority status.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2i22jv wrote

You would think that but I don’t seem to get much help from the government at all

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buried_lede t1_j2jd8nx wrote

You know, I don't get that. Where you lived in Massachusetts there were no shelter beds for DV when you left your husband? It can happen but geez, does that happen very often? I don't hear of DV shelters turning victims away very often

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2juicl wrote

I tried every shelter in MA, CT and RI as advised. All were full and kept telling me to call back. I tried for months. I’m not a us citizen so I don’t have all the same benefits and rights to help as americans

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buried_lede t1_j2k3iwf wrote

Connecticut DV shelters don’t look at immigration status

I don’t know what is going on there. I know it can get tight but didn’t know they were turning people away

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2kcbp4 wrote

They’re not turning me away because of my immigration status. I’m saying I don’t get things like cash assistance from the government or other benefits like that that can help because of my immigration status. The shelters in MA, RI and CT at the time when I was fleeing my sons father were all full.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2i1zsl wrote

DTA have known about my situation (it’s a little more complex than what’s in the post) and don’t provide much help.

I won’t be anywhere specific in MA as I will have to find somewhere I can park without the police coming and telling me I can’t stay there.

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buried_lede t1_j2jdgrp wrote

You're putting a lot of energy into how to make the car work as shelter instead of milking every resource hard for getting actual shelter. That's suspect as all get out, especially for someone with a young child. Are you real? Seriously

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B-Roc- t1_j2i3op8 wrote

You are allowed to sleep in Walmart parking lots

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GoochMasterFlash t1_j2i8ufx wrote

Technically not true but also true at the same time. Its one of those things thats against the rules these days (used to not be) but also we work in them 24 hours a day most days a year so no one ever cares or can tell if people sleep in the lot unless they are in campers. Depending on the location the cops come through more or less frequently though and will sometimes be looking for people.

OP can pm me to ask location but our Walmart lot is safe to sleep in and I am located in MA. Im not sure but my area may also have more resources available to help women in need

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Ken-Popcorn t1_j2imgvw wrote

No you are absolutely not allowed to sleep in your car in a Walmart. This is terrible misinformation. What may be confusing you is that some Walmarts will permit ou to park a camper overnight. The number of these is dwindling because local communities are no longer allowing it.

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Maronita2020 t1_j2ip9xo wrote

The Walmart near me allows homeless to sleep in their cars (and even leave them there during the day) as long as they park the furthest away from the store as possible. Most people including the police know they do this and no-one cares.

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No_Chart_275 t1_j2ievrl wrote

You have to ask the individual store and be very respectful of the space. (Lots in MA have stopped letting people stay due to issues with people being destructive etc.)

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Then_Ear t1_j2i8w01 wrote

This is a good option, but not a right that you are automatically allowed to park at a Walmart overnight. Most are ok with it, but some don’t allow it (locations in cities/high homelessness areas) ask a manager first.

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Rattlingjoint t1_j2li3ft wrote

DTA's Homebase program is a mess and shouldnt be relied on.

They will offer family shelter as a resource, but the actuality of it is you will be asked to call the hotline, be in hold for 3 hours and either be hung up on, or be told theres nothing that can be done because shelters are full.

Family shelter is really really fucking screwed up in MA.

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lapetitepoire t1_j2i2oou wrote

Maybe Rosie's Place can help.
Libraries can be a great warm place to keep a little one safe and entertained.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2i9nji wrote

I will give them a call, thank you.

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Maronita2020 t1_j2iph7d wrote

Rosie's Place does not allow children to stay there. You could get into Queen of Peace Shelter for 3 weeks. 617-288-4182 (They do not permit male children over the age of 3.)

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Clean_Citron_8278 t1_j2jp35c wrote

No disrespect to you but what the heck kind of place restricts male children beginning at three?

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LitherLily t1_j2k1u2v wrote

A place with limited resources and ceaseless needs?

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Clean_Citron_8278 t1_j2k2kmp wrote

As are most, unfortunately. What I'm not understanding is why male children over three. Are female children over three allowed?

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Maronita2020 t1_j2l4ljy wrote

No male children OVER age three. Yes female children whatever age is allowed. This particular shelter is very small and is within a convent.

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Beccachicken t1_j2i4va4 wrote

Someone will call DCF on you. get a social worker now.

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frankybling t1_j2i7ovk wrote

This is really good advice… if you approach them first they look at it differently than if someone reports you into the system. I can almost guarantee someone is going to wind up reporting you eventually. (ok so I’m being dire, but seriously it’s winter and you two need a roof not a car)

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GoodPointsSharpEdges t1_j2lppqz wrote

Just found this on the mass.gov site when I was double checking some info… “Who has child custody before going to court? If the parents aren't married — The mother has sole legal and physical custody of her child until a court orders otherwise.”

So if it were me, I’d stay in the UK, lock down a job ASAP assuming your family is able to help with child care, consult with a MA family law attorney asap, consult with a UK attorney asap, and begin preparing the forms yourself to file for full custody of your child and a probably a restraining order against the child’s father for the abuse. You will have to file an affidavit documenting the abuse so be as specific and direct as possible. The MA Probate & Family Court site has the forms available as well as links to each county’s remote/virtual court services so you can speak with court personnel face-to-face about the correct steps without having to leave the UK. Please know that it’s not an easy process but it’ll be completely worth it to keep you and your child safe and supported.

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ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2i9ush wrote

I get this, it’s not like the government don’t know, I’ve been dealing with shelters and homelessness most of last year. Didn’t have DCF involved though.

4

piggyazlea t1_j2isrqb wrote

DCF will be 100% involved once your child is of school age. School personnel across Massachusetts are required to report such a case of a child living out of a car, having no access to basic necessities (a bed, shower/water, heat etc), and not having a place to go, especially in the winter time. Then you will lose your child until you are given temp shelter and obtain a job and are able to provide basic care for that child.

It is not worth it to come to MA to live in a car with no way to care for that baby. That is not what is best for your baby. It’s not what’s best for you.

No judge is going to come after you for staying where you have shelter and necessities.

If you’re worried about it looking like you’re keeping your child away from the father, make it known to the father that you’ll need child support and a place for the child to stay. If he refuses, then you need to stay where you’ll receive financial and basic support/necessities. Living in a car is not feasible or realistic, nor is it fair to that innocent child. Also tell the father that he can visit the UK to see the child or that if he will pay, you bring the child to see him.

Please do not make your child sleep in a car. He or she deserves a lot better. Please make the better choice.

18

zzglow t1_j2jcp3s wrote

plz, give them a call. in my experience, they truly are there to help, especially if they see you are a good momma looking out for your little one. i went through homelessness with my child, i know my story may not be like others but DTA and DCF were like angels. i was physically attacked by my partner and cops were involved, he even had to do time. i lost my job, our apartment, i have no family or friends here and was completely alone with my (then) 3yo.

my DCF worker was literally an angel, helped me with getting clothes, xmas gifts, and provided numbers and overall was supportive of my situation. DTA were also helpful and helped me get on SNAP (food stamps) and at the time i was able to get unemployment due to the nature of my situation. i was sent to a domestic violence family shelter, it wasn’t ideal, but we had heat, a bed, our own little room in the shelter house. every parent had to do nightly chores, which at first was strange, but i got used to it and it worked for all of us. i wasn’t even there for a year when i got into a program that gave me and my daughter our own place. i even got help with childcare through CTI in Lowell, and that allowed me to go back to school to finish my degree.

we have our own place now, we are safe, her dad got help and slowly we have been getting to a better place where he gets to see her. here is all the info i could get:

CTI- https://www.commteam.org/ 978-459-0551

DTA- https://www.mass.gov/emergency-housing-assistance-programs

https://www.masslegalhelp.org/homelessness/emergency-assistance/advocacy-guide/appendixa

i wish you the best, plz don’t take this the wrong way but i will keep you and your little one in prayer. may God provide for you and you find a warm shelter to be with your son, no one deserves this. hugs

3

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jvc9u wrote

Thank you, I will definitely give them a call, I have a lot of shelters and places to call to get help, I know this.

Sorry you went through a similar situation and I’m glad that you got through it and are doing a lot better. I can’t wait for the day things start to turn around. I’m fed up of trying my best and doing everything I can for my son and nothing changing.

2

bubblehashguy t1_j2iju4q wrote

Stay in the UK. Talk to a lawyer, go to family court. For the kids sake figure out how to stay there.

Coming back to the US is not an option right now. You'd be coming back to live in your car with a toddler. In the winter. Jobless. Homeless. You can't do that.

36

mallorn_hugger t1_j2jsi86 wrote

Not mention the fact that the courts may ultimately question her decision making and fitness as a parent if she does so.

OP, you are thinking with your panic brain. Document, document, document. If you can prove to the court your extenuating circumstances it will help.

Stay in the UK until you consult a US lawyer familiar with family law. Start with legal services in your area. Google "Legal services" and your MA town of residence.

9

bubblehashguy t1_j2k4pij wrote

She said her & the kid are UK citizens. She should get a lawyer in the UK. Go to family court there & go no contact with the US until the UK lawyer tells her what to do.

7

new_Australis t1_j2ieo4p wrote

You're better off staying in the UK than coming to Mass to spend the winter sleeping in your car with a child.

28

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ifnfx wrote

As stated in replies to other people saying the same thing…. I am a British citizen, I wish I could stay, my family want me to. However, my sons abusive dad is refusing to let us. It’s either face living in my car and being homeless or potentially deal with kidnapping charges.

−24

LackingUtility t1_j2iho20 wrote

There won’t be kidnapping charges unless your son’s dad has full custody and a court order. He’s put this fear in your head, but it’s not true. Talk to a lawyer.

43

buried_lede t1_j2jeeuf wrote

Is the shared custody arrangement court ordered? If not, it may not be kidnapping. But call the Boston resource someone mentioned for relocation assistance. You may be able to stay in the UK if you are homeless, have no job, would be living in your car in the winter with a child. I don't know, but you should find out and I am a little surprised you don't seem interested to do that. Living with a kid in a car in winter is not some kind of a joke.

Here, call these people to check if there is a custody issue if you stay in the UK. They will know, because of the kind of work they do, this question has to come up a lot - shared custody issues

Greater Boston Legal Services’ Relocation Project

5

Iggy_R3d t1_j2jsuiz wrote

Also curious if it’s court ordered. OP mentioned elsewhere that they have a notarized agreement, but I work somewhere that causes me to deal with probate courts and their court orders every day and a notarized agreement might as well not exist for our purposes. If a judge didn’t sign it it’s generally of no legal value.

Edit: I would advise OP consult with Greater Boston Legal Services either way. That’s where we refer people for legal advice we’re either not qualified or completely comfortable giving.

3

LoveOurMother t1_j2mir5g wrote

By coming back to Mass and being homeless you will give your ex the chance to have the child removed from your custody and give him full custody because you made the bad decision to put yourself in a dangerous situation. Do not come back to Massachusetts. Stay with your family. Your ex is feeding you misinformation probably to take advantage of this situation. Whatever agreement you may have does not supercede health and safety. Speak to real lawyers. There are pro Bono DV lawyers. Do not put yourself and your child in danger of freezing to death. People are already freezing to death this winter. Stay with your family. Do not listen to your ex. You won't be charged with kidnapping. Even if he tried, you could fight it. You need to do whats best for your child.

1

SCdreamin2021 t1_j2i92lp wrote

Stay in the UK?

Living in a car with a 3yr old in the winter or staying with family in the UK?

It is not a real question

25

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ia4lx wrote

I am a British citizen, I wish I could stay, my family want me to. However, my sons abusive dad is refusing to let us. It’s either face living in my car and being homeless or potentially deal with kidnapping charges.

−11

[deleted] t1_j2iampx wrote

[deleted]

10

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ig9uu wrote

Not an option, I will not risk losing my son by breaking a notarized agreement with my child’s father which will put him in a place to keep threatening me or even act on getting full custody of my son

−19

LackingUtility t1_j2ii5db wrote

If your son’s dad doesn’t have full custody, then the cops won’t bring kidnapping charges for your son staying with you.

Additionally, bringing your son to Massachusetts and having him stay in your car in winter is so stupid and dangerous that your ex could use that to argue in court for full custody of your son. You really need to talk to a lawyer, or you’re going to end up both homeless and sonless.

32

zzglow t1_j2je8og wrote

i agree, i think the father is trying to put you in a position where he can get full custody. he can say you are endangering the child (which would be true, unfortunately) and if you are homeless and he is not, and has income, etc, the court may rule in his favor. courts in MA typically side with mothers unless there is present evidence of the mother being abusive and/or neglectful and putting the child in danger.

6

TheSkiGeek t1_j2isxfs wrote

A “notarized agreement” doesn’t mean anything if blindly following it is going to put your child in danger.

No family court (I hope) would agree that you should try to live in a car with your child all winter and be bouncing in and out of shelters rather than stay with your family. Especially since the father is backing out of a former agreement to let you live with him. Although if your son’s father wants full time custody and has a stable home situation, they may decide it’s better for the kid to live with his dad.

If you and your ex can’t come to an agreement, you probably will need to talk to lawyers in both MA and the UK, and maybe petition a court here in MA to set up a formal custody agreement.

14

Comfortable_Plant667 t1_j2iu30k wrote

You're not going to live in a car with your three year old, you're going to call Safe Passage and get a place that is safe for that child and you to live until you have an apartment. Otherwise, having lived at the residence with your ex for over 30 days, you're going to assert your tenant's rights and stay there UNTIL you have a safe place to live. You risk having your child taken away from you living in a car, in winter no less.

22

MAraised1986 t1_j2j0i8g wrote

So the ex has to let her stay there rent free?

−5

Comfortable_Plant667 t1_j2jajsl wrote

The ex has to serve them a formal eviction notice which takes time enough to give this person the opportunity to find appropriate housing for their child, otherwise they could be charged with endangerment and neglect due to inadequate shelter.

These are measures that are put in place to protect vulnerable children, who did not ask for a life like this, but who are innocent victims of shameful absence of communication, planning, mutual consideration, or respect and compassion, between each of the adults.

9

MAraised1986 t1_j2jmkcv wrote

Didn't know this rule. There has to be exceptions right? So no matter what, if a minor is involved, you have to give them 30 days? If I have a girlfriend who has a child that is not mine, I come home to her cheating on me, I still have to allow her to stay in my home?

−1

Comfortable_Plant667 t1_j2jo8ya wrote

No, you must give a tenant (any guests residing at a property for longer than 30 days, and in some places 14 days) a formal eviction notice to have them forcibly removed from a residence.

It's not because there is a child involved. I was emphasizing that the person who benefits from this is the child because it gives the mother time to find a place to live other than a car (which would constitute criminal neglect).

If the scenario you described has happened to you, and communication fails and the person refuses to leave, serving an eviction notice will be a punishment for the adult and not the child because the adult will have an eviction notice on their tenancy record, whereas the child will not because minor children legally cannot agree to tenancy contracts.

6

TAmber1213 t1_j2ic50h wrote

I was in a similar situation of being homeless with a small child. Call dta or go to a dta center and they will help you figure out what you can sign up for in regards to assistance. Also depending on where you are in Massachusetts there is this amazing company called healthy families. They worked with me to help me get food stamps, helped me find job opportunities, apply for masshealth and apply for the benefit that helps pay for child care. They can also help you find shelter. They meet with you once a week ( they can come to you if you cant have transport to meet them) they will bring activities to do with the little one (my person I had rebekah would bring toys and paint and coloring pages) as well as sometimes they are able to help with clothing for the child and diapers and wipes (depending on what has been donated to them)

17

Banea-Vaedr t1_j2i2h3u wrote

DTA and DHCD can help. MEMA set up a transitional shelter to keep you out of the cold while you await placement.

13

NativeMasshole t1_j2i3u4v wrote

Depending on how long you had been staying with your ex, you may have tenancy rights and he would need to formally evict you. Not an attractive option, but better than being on the streets.

12

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ia1oj wrote

No, I will not do this. We both have children, I will not deal with the fights which can be physical when it is not my home. I am not on the lease, I have no right to stay there.

−1

traditionalsmoke01 t1_j2i7wql wrote

You want her to squat?

−4

NativeMasshole t1_j2i8329 wrote

Squatting would be if you had no legal right to be there in the first place.

6

traditionalsmoke01 t1_j2i8alb wrote

Which she doesn’t , cus I’m sure there’s no lease and she was just crashing there. She doesn’t get to squat because she made poor life decisions

−15

NativeMasshole t1_j2i96eb wrote

AFAIK, a verbal agreement and/or an extended stay is enough to make you a tenant-at-will, which would require a 30 day written notice to vacate.

6

GardenJohn t1_j2j8ftt wrote

Not at all educated on this subject but heres a random reddit guys take. you're living in your car in the winter, your ex has everything he needs to get full custody from that alone. It's dangerous and miserable. Who gives a shit what was notorized. You have family willing to help you where you are. Stay there and let them help you. It's your best chance of not having your kid taken from you. Use whatever excuse you have to... You only feel comfortable flying southwest but you can't get through to the ticketing agent. You have covid and can't fly. Then you got the flu. Then you got RSV. Then you got covid again. Talk to a lawyer, the consulate whoever but stay where you can sleep indoors.

12

zzglow t1_j2jezf9 wrote

yes, this! i rather you stay with family and keep your child safe than to return here to homelessness, and like GardenJohn said, that gives the father full ammo to get full custody! you got covid, you got the flu, you got covid again.

4

valley_G t1_j2ix11r wrote

If your child holds dual citizenship then you can absolutely stay in the UK with your child. They can't take a child from you for that. I read you have notarized papers, but unless it's done through a court they mean jack shit.

11

applesauce143 t1_j2icway wrote

https://jeannegeigercrisiscenter.org

These people will help you. Locations in amesbury, Newburyport and Lawrence

7

Additional-Cheetah88 t1_j2ipp92 wrote

Second this. Also, ask about applying for all the services. I know the wait for a FUP voucher is shitty, RAFT is great if you can find a place. They cover up to 10k. Emmaus is not great but they do have family shelter options and an on site housing specialist. The shelter system is stretched very thin in MA right now but Jeanne Geiger is a good resource.

6

Unique-Public-8594 t1_j2iah53 wrote

Gabby Petito Foundation is a national assistance for domestic violence victims as well.

6

SL_1183 t1_j2ijrtw wrote

Try these folks. My sister was in an abusive relationship and fled. They helped her a lot just giving a place to stay for a bit. They’re often full but will work with you as much as possible.

https://www.newhorizonsdv.com

6

fightcluboston t1_j2j32oz wrote

It might make sense to pose this to r/legaladvice. Depending on how long you were staying with him you may technically be considered a tenant and there might be a process for kicking you out?

6

legalpretzel t1_j2ja4if wrote

You are guaranteed shelter in MA. It’s the only state in the country that has a right to shelter. Go to DTA. I’m not sure why you think you won’t get a spot.

5

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2jvwk5 wrote

Ive dealt with shelters before, even stated that ma is a right to shelter state. They simply told me they didn’t have any space and I had to try elsewhere and call back in a few days to try again if I still didn’t find somewhere.

I’ve shed many tears trying to find shelter for my so. And I previously

1

Chappy_Sinclair_ t1_j2i6eb3 wrote

Any employer-sponsored childcare options/assistance?

4

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2ia9ty wrote

Would need an employer for that. Had to quit my job last June due to my childcare closing, couldn’t find another daycare as they were all full.

1

Easy-Progress8252 t1_j2iaqki wrote

Findhelp.org is a great resource for social assistance programs - housing, meals, childcare, cash assistance, etc.

4

AlpineLace t1_j2ihfm8 wrote

There’s a women’s shelter in Peabody ma on Washington st. I forget the name but it is geared towards you situation. I lived across the street a while back and it was all women that escaped abuse with children. Citizens For Adequate Housing, Inc. Peabody is the nsme

4

missedmess t1_j2iufm5 wrote

Your situation sounds incredibly difficult; I can’t even imagine being homeless with a child in a Massachusetts winter. I’m so sorry.

I really second what other people have said about checking a lawyer/the consulate/etc. to see if there’s a way to stay with your family in England.

Have you looked into Headstart preschools at all?

https://www.mass.gov/guides/head-start-early-head-start

It looks like maybe their national toll-free number is 866-763-6481

They are meant for low-income families and are free, and sometimes have other built in services/support. From what I’ve seen they tend to be really high quality childcare, too!. If you can go anywhere in the state, you could maybe call around to see where they have space (I’m not sure how enrollment works). It would give your child a safe, warm, developmentally appropriate place to be during the day, and might allow you to start work again. They might also have resources to help you find shelter/get other benefits, since helping families experiencing homelessness is one of their priorities.

4

papalemingway t1_j2iiyl0 wrote

Where is the child’s father? Does he have housing in Mass? Did a family lawyer look at your notarized statement? That doesnt sound like a legally binding document to me? Who advised you with that? That person can give you your best next move.

3

chickadeedadee2185 t1_j2je34e wrote

I assume you are in the UK now. Do you have a date that you must return? Can you do any business with Massachusetts while overseas? It is cold here to be living in a car. How do you know bf will return the car to you? You risk DCF removing your child. They could place him back with an abuser. The bottom line is the safety and welfare of the child. Think in those terms

I am sure your thoughts are jumbled in your head right now. Stop and organize them from immediate needs to long term needs. Ask supportive family to help. Write them down to help you clarify the needs of your child and you, also. Don't get ahead of yourself with what-ifs. Just be concrete and look at needs for survival.

Act like an ant and take small steps to achieve your goals. Hang in there. You can do it if you prioritize to your son's needs and get factual information.

3

somegridplayer t1_j2jryg2 wrote

Lawyer and us embassy before you head back. Seriously.

3

Illustrious-Radio-53 t1_j2ntre6 wrote

Living in a car in Massachusetts is so unsafe…weather, people, carbon monoxide poisoning, you name it. Stay in the UK and look for help. You could end up losing custody of your kid if DCF gets involved, and if the police notice they have to report. Your abusive ex would get full custody.

Seek free legal help asap.

3

Lifeis-butadream t1_j2iblbp wrote

BH Link in RI might have resources/recommendations Community Care Alliance in Woonsocket

2

Valuable-Baked t1_j2k6te4 wrote

Sometimes hidden suburban parks have big parking lots that no one keeps an eye on

Beaches too

2

moomoo12349876 t1_j2kbqy2 wrote

Please stay in the UK and speak to all the places that people have suggested. Only once you can secure housing would I thinking of moving back. Discuss what legal rights you have to keep your child in the UK. These governments have a lot on their plates and unless your ex has unlimited funds, I can’t imagine he would get anywhere.

2

Working-Raspberry185 t1_j2kkjj1 wrote

Why would you leave family in UK to go be homeless with your child. Stay where your family is and get help from there…

2

zeratul98 t1_j2l9xfb wrote

Presumably that's not an option. You can't just move to another country

1

Working-Raspberry185 t1_j2mocnb wrote

If you have family there I would think it would be an option or some kk d if asylum assistance?

0

zeratul98 t1_j2n2ujp wrote

Asylum for what? Being poor? Countries don't like to take in immigrants who cost them money. For immigrants coming to the US, poverty basically guarantees your visa application gets denied. I'd be surprised if the UK were much different

1

Working-Raspberry185 t1_j2n6tp9 wrote

I’m just saying there could be options to stay with family rather then returning home to be homeless. https://www.internationalcitizens.com/moving-abroad/to/uk-from-usa.php

0

zeratul98 t1_j2n88fd wrote

I understand what you're saying. What I'm saying is that your suggestion likely isn't all that realistic. There's a good chance OP wouldn't qualify for a work visa, and she likely couldn't afford one.

If she's there on a visitor visa now, you can't just decide to extend those last minute on your own, and at most that'll buy her a max of six months minus however long she's already stayed.

1

Working-Raspberry185 t1_j2n8pcp wrote

If I had family to stay with in UK I wouldn’t leave to be homeless until they dragged me out. I’d try all available resources and stay put

0

zeratul98 t1_j2nb735 wrote

Who knows if OP's family can even afford to keep putting them up, especially since, again, she cannot work.

Overstaying her visa is also a great way to ensure she gets banned from entering the UK again.

When OP does get back, she'll likely find her car has been impounded for quite a lot of money, and possibly repossessed. And then at some point her ex will probably get rid of her stuff. Your suggestion is likely to be very expensive for OP.

1

Working-Raspberry185 t1_j2nedfs wrote

Glad you have so much insight. As I said they are suggestions. I’d rather get banned from uk than make my child live on the streets. Certainly should be calling local places

0

zeratul98 t1_j2nuwza wrote

There's no need for the attitude.

It's a shitty situation with no good options. You presented your option as obvious and straightforward. It's not.

OP has limited resources in the UK as she is not a citizen. She's on a clock too before she gets deported. She'd be burdening her family. And her problems would be worse than now when she's forced to return.

You can "if it were me" all day long, but this isn't a thought experiment for OP. She does not have the luxury of being allowed to be ignorant of consequences.

1

dskippy t1_j2lnfgr wrote

Sounds like you're getting mostly suggestions to not go through with your plan rather than an answer to the question about living in a car with a kid. In case you do end up wanting to still do it, you might get more experienced answers on r/vandwellers or r/vanlife. Despite the van centric names, it's common to have car and truck dwellers.

2

Testingfreedom t1_j2ifipa wrote

Two things,

First, Since you are a British citizen and I’m assuming by extension you son is as well, I would call the British Consulate in Boston and ask for consular assistance. If they don’t pick up the phone because it’s a weekend, leave a brief voicemail explaining your situation, and they will have someone get back to you I imagine. Their phone number is: +1 617 245 4500

The consulate can help provide you a list of resources, and advocate on your behalf to US/Mass government agencies.

Second, where were you last registered to vote/where did you last get mail?

Wherever that is, call your state representative or state Senator, lots them even have their personal cell phone numbers on their website. If not, send them an email letting them know about your situation. they have people specifically dedicated to helping people out with constituent services. They will help you reach out to state agencies, and advocate on your behalf. They have contacts at the various state agencies. If you need to find out who your state representative or state senator is, here is the link from the Massachusetts legislature: https://malegislature.gov/Search/FindMyLegislator

1

Testingfreedom t1_j2ihsjx wrote

Look at this page to find out how to apply for emergency housing from DHCD: https://www.masslegalhelp.org/income-benefits/emergency-assistance-shelter/apply

Reach out to their hotline: 866-584-0653.

Here a mass.gov with more information on this program: https://www.mass.gov/emergency-housing-assistance-programs

It’s a program specifically meant for very low income, pregnant women or those with children that are escaping situation, such as yours, like domestic violence, or sleeping in a car.

1

RoliePolieCannoli_ t1_j2kgmpw wrote

If your income limit is 115% or lower of the Federal Poverty Level ($1,775 per month for household of 2) you may qualify for EA shelter. If you don’t believe DTA is helpful, is it because they aren’t really getting back to you or they’ve determined that you’re ineligible? If it’s the former, I get it’s frustrating, but if you hound them they have to respond eventually

1

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2khjgv wrote

I have food stamps and cash assistance for my son, $506 a month cash assistance and $230 a month SNAP. That is my income. They have told me I’m it eligible myself for snap or cash assistance because I’m not a citizen.

1

RoliePolieCannoli_ t1_j2ki4dn wrote

I believe EA shelter is open to folks regardless of citizenship status. You just need to prove MA residency (I.e. driver’s license)

1

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2koztb wrote

Yes definitely, the issue is wether they have room or not. Unfortunately they all get filled up very quickly

0

RoliePolieCannoli_ t1_j2ksdno wrote

If you’re open to going anywhere in MA they can place you within a couple of weeks. Regulations say they need to place you immediately

1

ItalianMama95 OP t1_j2kv435 wrote

I literally tried the whole of MA, RI and CT last time and they didn’t place me at all. I even mentioned to MA shelters that MA is a right to shelter state and they said they couldn’t help me as they had no space

1

PweetLB t1_j2kn1s1 wrote

You’re not going to be allowed to live in your car with a child- child endangerment. A lawyer gave you sound advice. Take care of that child and seek help!

1