Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

Aylabadayla t1_iuckgdl wrote

This is good advice until it’s not. Sometimes it’s healthier to talk about a problem in your marriage with a close friend or someone you trust as they can give you a different viewpoint. There have been many times where I’ve vented to a friend and was offered different perspectives.

However, I think it’s super duper important not to involve your immediate family in your marital issues. If you’re having a fight with your spouse and vent to your parents about it, you’re more likely to forgive them easier and quicker vs your parents. It just leads to more problems.

701

CJ3795 t1_iucnemk wrote

I have first hand experience of this and we are now in therapy so I can try to establish boundaries with my partner so he stops running to his (massive) family every time we have an issue in our relationship. His mother in particular remembers every single bad thing that’s happened! Involving family is never a good idea in the long term.

136

Dvscape t1_iuday0q wrote

I'm 34 and have never discussed my relationships with any of my parents. What good could there come of it (other than venting, maybe)?

45

PhilosophicalPhuck t1_iudedfb wrote

>What good could there come of it

mommy i hurty i need attentionsss

15

drsyesta t1_iuftt55 wrote

Who tf would go to their parents for support? Cringe

2

Funandgeeky t1_iufqv91 wrote

My family never knew I was going to get a divorce until two weeks after my ex had moved out. (It was amicable, but still divorce is never fun.) I refused to vent any issues I had with them and I stand by it. Even now, when I mention my ex I never say anything negative.

Far too many people run to their families because they want an echo chamber. And they want their family to help them gang up on the other person. And it's NOT a sign of a mature person and can signal that this is not a healthy relationship.

3

2derpywolves t1_iue54c2 wrote

I've known people to go to others to complain and vent anytime something inconveniencing happens in a relationship, but don't put the same energy into being appreciative or sharing positive things regarding the relationship.

And then they wonder why their friends view the relationship and their partner negatively.

19

thanif t1_iud63v4 wrote

>However, I think it’s super duper important not to involve your immediate family in your marital issues. If you’re having a fight with your spouse and vent to your parents about it, you’re more likely to forgive them easier and quicker vs your parents. It just leads to more problems.

This...We don't realize it but we tend to vent about the bad stuff too much and not talk about the good stuff enough. They end up getting a view of your significant other that's both one sided because they are only hearing your perspective but also mostly dominated by all the negative aspects of your relationship.

32

mommadragon72 t1_iuerxlg wrote

That and you love your partner, your family loves you first ( most of the time) and are protective of you. You forgive your partner, your family may not.

I know that's assuming healthy family dynamics but it also holds true for close friends

4

Aylabadayla t1_iuemun3 wrote

Yep 100%. There’s some things that you definitely need your parents support for. Like spouse abuse, manipulation, hurting children etc but MOST arguments don’t need to be brought up.

3

mainlydank t1_iud0y5s wrote

The problem with your theory, is that close friends are very unlikely to be impartial parties, and will take your side of the story and give you advice based on that. The same exact issue you mentioned with immediate family members happen with close friends.

20

TOBIjampar t1_iud2yl7 wrote

Idk, if a close friend comes to me with relationship problems I try to be as neutral as possible. Being a yes man doesn't help them.

25

Live_Resource_3357 t1_iud6svz wrote

Me being in this perticular spot right now, I'll let you know that , i don't think a best mate will take just your side until he is just your mate and doesn't even know your partner.

My best mate is having issues right now , and he vents and removes his frustration while we go for a drink or match. I give me a reality check because I know his girl too. ( He had introduced her to me while we went on trip together ) , When he understands that sometimes just the situations are in certain conditions which seems bad and it's not her fault , i can see his wheels turning and we go get flowers so that he can apologise and make things right. It's good to talk to others but make sure if it's your best mate then he should also know her .

9

mainlydank t1_iud94d5 wrote

I have realized this is really one of those things that is highly dependent on whom one is talking to. If one is married, ones friends should 100% support that persons relationship no matter what, with the exception of actual abuse.

I've seen my wife talk to her scumbag friends and family members, and those people don't 100% support our relationship, they have got too many of their own issues they havent dealt with, so some are man haters, and some are just not good at being therapists so they give bad advice. It almost ruined our relationship.

I suppose better advice would be "Don't talk to friends or family members about relationship problems, unless they 100% support your relationship and doing whatever it takes to make it work"

8

Live_Resource_3357 t1_iudbaer wrote

Absolutely right ! The goal should be to support the relationship and advise should be taken from those who don't have some personal issue going on as well , because that person will reflect his own situation onto yours.

5

Aylabadayla t1_iuencqb wrote

It just depends on your group of friends I guess. There have been times when my friends have come to me or I have gone to them. I would say we both try to remain pretty neutral or offer advice in a tactful way.

I will say that I’m old enough now where my friend group is quality over quantity and we are pretty good at telling each other what we think or what we believe without getting offended. So I guess my life tip is coming from my own experience.

2

sideshowmario t1_iudy8po wrote

I made the mistake of hiding my abusive bipolar ex's condition, and nobody believed me when she tried killing me by hitting me with our SUV, among many other things she did to my kids and me

11

mommadragon72 t1_iues3zu wrote

Not bad talking your partner to your family is a different thing then hiding abuse. I'm sorry y'all had to go through that, I hope you and the kids are safe and happy now

3

sideshowmario t1_iueu5yr wrote

Agreed, 100%. Some details are better left private, and others require support. Thank you for your concern; after several expensive and difficult years, things have mostly calmed down, but my family still has doubts about my claims unfortunately, which has led to me keeping them at arm's length. My boys are doing great, and that gives me all the peace I need.

4

neblles t1_iufeolm wrote

Then you try to vent to someone who’s a “friend” and shares it with everyone to make a joke out of you. People suck in my experience. Make sure it’s a day one friend you share your life with.

1