lonelythrowaway463i9 t1_j6yvgdr wrote on February 2, 2023 at 9:28 PM

Reply to comment by theKetoBear in [Image] Why not? by conversingwithoceans

The pain of regret last far longer than the pain of failure. That's what I always try to tell myself when I play the what if game. Also, one thing that helped me was making my what ifs positive. Instead of "oh god what if i fail" i do "what if i nail it?" Change "what if this is the worst thing ever" to "what if it works out just fine?" What if goes both ways. If I'm going to play the what if game no matter what then I might as well play a more enjoyable version

[deleted] t1_j6z0vox wrote on February 2, 2023 at 10:02 PM

interesting, I've never tried making my what if's positive, I might try that. Interesting concept

JMHSrowing t1_j6z6ye0 wrote on February 2, 2023 at 10:42 PM

I wish that that seemed true. I’ll forget a lot of ‘what if’s before I forget the pain and embarrassment from some failures. They haunt for years.

And the whole thinking about best/worst case never really seems to help me much either. Like the reasonable worst case scenario always seems so much worse than the reasonable best case. It seems quite infeasible to completely make several friendships or one’s reputation, but it’s easy to obliterate it all at once. Sure rock climbing might be fun in the moment and conquering one’s fear validating, but you could almost just as easily cripple yourself for life.

Life and the world is always stacked so much against anyone, so seeing that to me isn’t a fun thing

JDBCool t1_j70czrt wrote on February 3, 2023 at 3:56 AM

How I deal with "decremential life choices" is.

What is this pain in the grand scheme of the some 32k-ish days I'm on this rock? (Spite)

1 day of "hard failure" + a couple hundred days of regret and longer vs 1 day of "neutral feeling" + forgetting it happened.

I still look back at the day I cheated on an assignment in middle school and had it stuck on my transcript. Somewhat haunts me in an annoying sense, but I'll constantly tell myself that every mistake I've done is what makes me "me".

Regret is "me", every mistake defines "me", how I dealt with it shaped "me". The you standing here today is the result of "all my past regrets and mistakes" to stop repeating them.

Yes, some people still can't get over pain (Like myself and my POS dad, ain't gonna forgive him for what he did). But I'll tell myself every day that "I don't want to be like that useless POS". From being broken, everyone has a choice to stay broken, or piece themselves in spite towards something.

Spite the event and "prove" that it was nothing but a few minutes.

StayBraveBeHeroic t1_j72n3ct wrote on February 3, 2023 at 5:07 PM

The key there is that you said, "How I dealt with it." A lot of people can't even do that. They are paralyzed by it. You have great outlook in that you keep moving forward. That's amazing.

Your dad, that's big one to carry. I don't have that exact pain but a different kind of heavy Gorilla I carry around~(and I subscribe to the idea or preach, "I only have space for the good in my life at this time.")

But this helped me the other day,

Forgive yourself for having that dad, it's not your shame/anger? to carry around. Shame on him.

Find a picture of the little you and put it on your phone or near your computer. Remember him/her and give the love and self care talk that that kid deserved, instead of the memories that might pop up. Change how you spend that energy of hating your dad to healing that innocent kid. Re write the script for healing yourself.

"Give up hope for a better past"

You have now.

You deserve LOVE.

the_other_irrevenant t1_j70pv7m wrote on February 3, 2023 at 5:58 AM

What is unfair is that you regret it because you have the wisdom you gained from passing through it.

You're smart enough not to make those mistakes, but past you didn't have your experience.

And you have your experience because past you did the best they could without having that experience to guide them.

mostlygray t1_j702qu2 wrote on February 3, 2023 at 2:34 AM

I prefer to not ever "What if..." things. Sure, I'll consider possibilities. I'll hedge. I'll make sure that I'm prepared for contingencies.

When it comes to the action though? I prefer screaming "I regret everything!!!" and go for it.

It's never failed me. If you think it's time to go to an job interview with nothing but your pants on your head and a smile, go nuts. Maybe it'll work? The fact is, I've pre-regretted my actions so I don't have to worry about.