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Icy_Engine_7648 t1_iudugm0 wrote

The 'friend' who started the rumor is not a real friend.

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iudumz5 wrote

I know that now, I’m just devastated it took this to find out

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goatvenom t1_iuemzf0 wrote

You should have made every effort to make sure that rumor never made it far, thus discrediting him or going to an adult.

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parksandrecpup t1_iuenwju wrote

19 is an adult. What “adult” should they be going to? OP is absolutely old enough to have said something, and instead decided that it was perfectly fine for everyone to be talking about this girl behind her back.

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goatvenom t1_iueqngp wrote

I was saying he needed an adult due the fact he handled shit like a child. Yeah he may be 19 but he acts like a 12 year old when it comes to conflict and resolution. It was a call out of his behavior and instead he let a A "friend" talk shit about him and the girl he liked. Now if I were in her position I would evaluate at very least his constitution and the way he handles conflict and how he may resolve this. Definitely should be a flag for the girl on how he handles this from here. Knowing he had every chance to get on top of this rumor.

Edited my bed spelling

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koliat t1_iueo7yq wrote

19 is a teenager who thinks they are adult. This continues until they are like 25yo or something

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iuen7e8 wrote

Looking back you’re completely right, I was just stupid and naïve to think that nothing would come of it

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goatvenom t1_iuerc9h wrote

Hope you take that a a small life lesson, always protect your image and reputation. With out those you will not go far. I am no expert but what people say about you is taken more of a fact than anything because people will avoid conflict and assume. Also people that talk any degree of shit about you or spread rumors definitely are not your friends.

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GeckoPartida27 t1_iudum6i wrote

If your friend actually cares about you, they might go confess to the girl that he started that rumor. Idk what else might convince her to drop her guard with you

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EtiennedeWilde t1_iudvfar wrote

And if they don't then you've lost two friends, one of which you're better off without.

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GERBS2267 t1_iuewrs8 wrote

I don’t think she should drop her guard with him. He didn’t stand up for her. Sounds like he has some growing up to do before she trusts him. Her response seems appropriate to me.

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ByakuyaKuchiki6th t1_iuduouf wrote

How exactly were you supposed to stop the rumor if it was already in place? Unless you actively participated in spreading it, I'd say you dodged a bullet losing her if she just assumed you did without talking to you about it.

Also, your other friend is probably not a very good person, you should think about your relationship with them too.

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iudutk3 wrote

We have spoken about it, she just does not believe that I was not active in spreading it

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ByakuyaKuchiki6th t1_iudv1ky wrote

If she's just mad and needs time then sure, people sometimes can't control their feelings.

But if she doesn't take your word for it and you've always been good to her, move on. She's not worth it.

You're still young, learn this early.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuer657 wrote

[removed]

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Ahielia t1_iues0mc wrote

>She basically had her reputation ruined in school

Because she supposedly *gasp* had sex with a man? OH THE HUMANITY, SAY IT AIN'T SO!

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RandymMartel54 t1_iuesn2j wrote

I don't know if this is news to you, but not everybody enjoys broadcasting their sexual history to the world.

Especially if it's not even true.

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other_usernames_gone t1_iuevsww wrote

Except it isn't her sexual history.

It's an awkward rumor but her reputation is hardly ruined.

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dirtybrownwt t1_iuesghf wrote

Her reputation ruined??????? They’re 19, people bang in college you know. I mean not you, but people do.

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AndreLeo t1_iuf0tbj wrote

I laughed wayy to hard over this comment. Unfortunately it seems people really have a hard time understanding that. I swear I see posts like „tifu by my parents finding out my gf and I copulated “ (idk if reddit censors or deletes comments explicitly on that, hence the weird wording) where the plot is essentially like: boyfriend stays with gf in one of their parent‘s house, copulate, forget to hide the contraceptives. Parents find out and are mad or disappointed at their children and „have a talk“ and/or forbid them to stay at their house together.

Like wtf do you think college boys and girls are doing being together for half a year or longer at your house sleeping in the same bed? The only thing surprising here is how douchy the parents act. Like it’s 2022 we can stop this whole „no copulation until married“, „bodycount“ and innocence nonsense.

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dirtybrownwt t1_iug9bma wrote

“Everyone at university will know I’m doing the nasty! Oh no! Life ruined!” Comments definitely written by a child lol

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zzzorba t1_iuf825l wrote

Not actively quashing it is just as bad

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iuf9q2a wrote

I tell people when it comes up and I’m there, but I can’t quash it when I’m not there, and yes I should have told her, but other than that I feel I did what I could

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Ahielia t1_iuerubq wrote

Move on, if she doesn't believe you then that's her loss.

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doomsgiving t1_iueomdu wrote

Actively squash the rumor at every opportunity. Give her the space she requested. Let time pass. That's all.

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Sourdoughsucker t1_iueoazf wrote

It is called a life lesson and you now know that truth an honour is more valuable than gossip and pride

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uhhuh111 t1_iuerood wrote

Should've confronted the rumour spreading friend immediately, told the girl what he was doing so she could speak for herself, and also told others that he was lying. She might never believe you now, even if your friend admits it she could think he is covering for you.
You should apologise to her though, and then its up to her.

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OhScheisse t1_iueosfw wrote

I think the issue was you didn't tell her about the rumor beforehand. If someone is spreading a rumor of a friend, you warn them

I think you waited and hoped it would go away, which is a bad call. Even if it went away, you should have told her as a friend to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Iono. Maybe that's just me. Also your other "friend" is a jerj

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Sraxxarrakex t1_iuerfe4 wrote

I'm not going to repeat what other people have said, but what you should do is go and tell her the actual truth. That you knew about the rumor and didn't do enough to stop it and apologize for that.

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IDrawPikachus t1_iueywaz wrote

There are a lot of lessons to be learned here, and I think the most important one is to be proactive in keeping your relationships healthy.

I've seen some other comments telling you that your friend was not a "real" friend. Imo, playing the blame game is the wrong perspective for your own growth as a person. For your own benefit, it's important to recognize that you could have taken action to prevent this situation from blowing up.

What you should have done before shit hit the fan:

  1. Tell your friend to stop when you found out about the rumors, and make them know you're serious. Your friend was basically acting with your tacit permission when you simply let the rumors be.
  2. Tell the girl about the rumors yourself. Just apologize for the trouble and say that you're actively trying to kill the rumor. Example:
    "Hey [name], this is Impossible_Tale_2173 from [uni course]. I want to apologize for any rumors you may have heard about you and I sleeping together; I didn't start them, and I'm actively trying to clear up the rumor. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to do."

What you should have done once shit hit the fan:

  1. Admit your fault to the girl, explain your inaction in terms of stupid but harmless wishful thinking, and let her know that you're willing to make it up to her. Example:
    "Hey [name], I'm sorry that you heard rumors about you and I sleeping together. I didn't start them, and honestly I was just hoping for them to blow over quietly. In hindsight, I should've told you earlier and done more to squash the rumors. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to do, I'm clearing up the rumor whenever I hear it now."
  2. Don't try to pass off the blame of the matter. Don't make it weird and give the girl reason to think that you started the rumor.

What you should do now that you've lost a friend and ruined things with the girl:

  1. Do some forward thinking for christ's sake. What was the endgame of letting the rumors be? Did you think the girl would appreciate you more for the rumors? Did you think the rumor would make you look cooler to your peers?
  2. Move on in life, don't be petty about it to the friend or the girl. This seems bad now, but it's not so bad in the grand scheme of life. You didn't ruin a committed relationship, you're still young, your friend may not have been the best company etc.
    Most important is to make sure this sort of thing doesn't happen again, take it as a painful life lesson. You're not a helpless victim at the whims of your peers, proactively do the best thing for you.
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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iuf0qd2 wrote

This is really great advice, thank you sm, I’m actively trying to better myself, it was naïve and selfish to do what I did, and I am adamant I won’t let something like that happen again

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hiGhspeedDEVIL t1_iuewgiw wrote

From OP's perspective, as a man, he didn't think rumor about he having sex with a woman is a problem (if it's a gay rumor he may react differently). But from many women and some misogynic society perspective, rumor about woman having sex with a man still make women feel uncomfortable since many people may view said woman in degrading way, as if she's 'used' by said man or 'easy' while view a man in rumor as 'macho' or 'player'. Even in modern society or between youngster, these mindset still ingrained in so many people.

So, OP's girl friend being pissed when find out about the rumor is the reaction that can be expected and it's OP's fault that even he have time for a month he didn't try to stop it or clarify things.

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unsung_hero88 t1_iuerpk7 wrote

You should have a conversation withy your friend admitting that he started the rumor and record that. Then send that recording to everyone.

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TheGreatYoRpFiSh t1_iuervs3 wrote

I miss the old days when a justified ass kicking would have solved this issue in an evening

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wain13001 t1_iuexlrn wrote

First, you need to sever all relation with your "friend" who thought it would be okay to spread this rumor to begin with. This person will never bring you anything but pain for their own amusement. You're not going to enjoy what they start saying about you later regarding this situation...ride it out and let the world slowly come to realize this person is a complete asshat.

Second, you need to give her some space...let emotions calm down around this entirely. After that come back with a clear and heartfelt apology explaining exactly what happened. You're probably going to have to admit you have had a crush on her for some time in order to explain why it came up between your friends in the first place.

If she is still convinced you helped spread it, just ask her why on earth you would do that...ask her to explain how that would benefit you or your friendship or your feelings for her. If she continues to really think so little of you that you would do something as absurd as that, then you need to walk away and realize that she wasn't worth having anyway, and while it hurts right now, she wouldn't have wound up being a good friend or partner for you in the long run regardless.

​

EDIT - adding just to clarify, she might not be interested in hearing your apology. If that's the case, it's on you to suck it up, respect her wishes to leave her alone, and take it as a learning experience to do better to people in the future. Sucks, but it's probably all you're going to get no matter what. She may need you to hear some things at some point, if that's the case, it'd be good to be an active listener and not try to interject your own opinions.

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Tanagrabelle t1_iufrzfv wrote

Because spreading rumors like “I had sex with this person“ is what some people do when they are rejected, when they want to look cool, when they don’t want to look like a prude, and saying “it’s on you to explain how this would benefit me“ is something gas lighters and manipulative people do to others.

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wain13001 t1_iufsvl6 wrote

Except she didn't reject him, and he really didn't try to ruin her character. I'm not saying he shouldn't have done more, I'm saying the best he can do is give her space and time to process her own feelings, and then be blatantly, painfully honest, and get his other "friend" out of his life. There's nothing else to be done.

It's not gaslighting or manipulative to ask someone to reason out their emotional state when you're trying to apologize and have an honest conversation.

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thrwaway9932 t1_iuffynz wrote

Teenage problems you'll laugh at when you're 30.

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Cmgduk t1_iufngie wrote

As others have said, the guy who spread the rumour isn't a real friend.

Honestly though, you're only 19 years old. Everyone does dumb shit at that age, TBH most people have probably done something way dumber than this. It's part of growing up and learning from these fuckups is what makes you a better man in the end. Don't beat yourself up too much.

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michael06581 t1_iufol8b wrote

You need to get together with her and the "friend" (with friends like that who need enemies - lol) and have him explain exactly why he started that rumor (he'll probably say to make you look good). This is a common occurrence. I remember a classmate freshman year of college that I took into my room (my roommate and another guy kept pestering me for a full "after action de-brief"). Unfortunately, I "broke" and told them how far I got (not all the way). They at least had the decency to not start a rumor about it, but my roommate referred to a "blow job" as "At least you let her do the dirty work" which seemed kind of disgusting to me at the time. I just chocked it up to his inexperience or lack of success with women. I don't talk about women like that and I sure don't pester friends to find out how far they got with a woman.

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mrshugerobot t1_iues7jf wrote

Ask your ‘friend’ who started the rumor to come clean to the girl and take responsibility. At the very least you’ll find out if he’s a friend or not. GL

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Wartortlesthebestest t1_iuexlll wrote

You sure you didn’t start the rumor yourself? Your post barely mentions the person who allegedly started it. More so how you didn’t do enough to prevent but then again how can you. It feels as if you are blaming yourself but a little too much.

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MagnanimousMook t1_iuf55bq wrote

Forget getting this guy to admit to the girl that he started the rumor. It really doesn't matter. The trust is broken, it can't be rebuilt by some half assed apology from your 'friend'. All you can really do is apologize to her for not doing everything you could to stop it before it got out of hand. Do your best to communicate your regrets and feelings toward her but respect her wishes if she still tells you to get lost. Even if she doesn't want to talk to you anymore, you can still do the right thing and do your best to correct anyone who believes the rumor. I'd also recommend cutting that 'friend' out of your life.

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candiggit_succa t1_iuf7dmw wrote

Your friend is not your friend. He cock blocked you cuz he wants her. Or he's jealous of you trying to have a relationship with her. Get this mother f*** out your life he's nothing but trouble! And he's Petty as f***!

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candiggit_succa t1_iuf7pfp wrote

And if there's any way to clear your name, find a way to drop the bomb on his ass , for putting this rumor out there!

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Shades228 t1_iufayv2 wrote

Take out a billboard add and say the truth.

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gmjfraser8 t1_iufca1f wrote

It look like a pretty simple skin tag. Your doctor may want to treat it or remove it. Not a lot to get worried about.

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CheddarGeorge t1_iuffuu3 wrote

I really don't understand how the rumor that someone slept with someone else could "over the months get out of control".

Do you all really have nothing better to do? Why is anyone still talking about this months later?

I feel like everyone involved has a lot of growing up to do.

1

frealfr t1_iufo34l wrote

Ahh. The silliness of youth.

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Tanagrabelle t1_iufre52 wrote

No. You did not, and the ball is not in her court. Your ball, which you allowed someone to take and beat her with, is not in her court. You need to start walking around and saying “She did not have sex with me. What’s his name just said that because he thought it was funny. She did not have sex with me.”

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iufrnnl wrote

I didn’t mean I was gonna stop telling people it’s not true, I meant it was up to her now if she wants me in her life anymore…

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duchyofdawnmire t1_iuetcvp wrote

Not a great friend, but you could use the situation to your advantage and use it as a jumping board to talk to your love interest. Explain it to them what actually happened, and look and behold, you're having a conversation.

0

pogiguy2020 t1_iudwnar wrote

The person who started the rumor is not a friend. You have two choices really. how much do you like this young lady?

Step ONE would be to go to this so called friend and tell them they have only one choice and that is to go to her and admit they started the rumor and take full responsibility. IF they do not then you need to make them. Sorry I would say more, but I just got off a 3 day ban for supposedly saying something violent. LOL

Step TWO is to realize sometimes life sucks and you move on. If she truly does not believe you or can forgive you than she is not worth the time or trouble to even, try. Could you imagine being in a relationship with her? She may be some kind of crazy jealous type or worse.

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PossiblyMaybeNever t1_iue8hqu wrote

Your response was great until you got to the very end. Disappointing for you to dump on her when it was potentially her reputation that was being trashed. Some women don’t care about their sex lives being broadcast to others (legit or not), and other women do care, especially since there are still double standards about women and sex.

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Impossible_Tale_2173 t1_iudxgaq wrote

I think move on is the best thing to do, but it’s painful and I think will be very awkward between us for a while

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PossiblyMaybeNever t1_iue9sxp wrote

I think the “friend” who created the rumor is not really a friend; it would be very reasonable for this purported friend to confess to the young woman what really happened. If you decide to keep this friend around if he is unwilling to apologize, you’re essentially saying that you find his behavior acceptable, so don’t be surprised at a repeat offense.

As for the young woman, I’d give her plenty of distance for now. Maybe at a later date, you could offer a goodwill gesture, like a card with a sincere note (as you’ve learned, words matter).

Edit: If you were to give her a card, it would be an opportunity to put the truth into writing, explaining how the rumor got started and possibly why. No need to write a novel. Just keep it simple and sweet, like “I told my stupid friend I thought you were cute” or “I told my former friend that I thought you were cute” (if the dimwit is truly gone, as that would speak to your character). No references to potential relationship, love or sex is a necessity, because you’ll scare her off or creep her out. Also, don’t bother to tell her how nice you are; this is best demonstrated via behavior. I think focusing on slowly building a friendship first is likely the only way you’ll regain any trust.

Btw if you decide to do any kind gesture for the young woman but she sees you still hanging out with the twit, it’s pointless (unless he has explained and apologized profusely to the young woman and she has accepted).

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[deleted] OP t1_iueikwx wrote

[deleted]

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