Verbose_Cactus t1_jaawwyr wrote on February 28, 2023 at 2:46 AM

Reply to comment by Orphylia in TIFU Update: I accused my boyfriend of cheating on me with his dead husband by TIFUWife2

To be fair, feelings and grief are really irrational creatures

kainprime82 t1_jaazfsp wrote on February 28, 2023 at 3:05 AM

They really are. My mom died from cancer 2 years ago. Sometimes, during a grief induced spiral, I'll find myself blaming myself for her cancer. It was ovarian cancer, and I'll get on this bender about how there's something wrong with me (I've had emotional problems since early childhood, depression and such) and that must have infected my mom and ultimately killed her.

I KNOW it's completely illogical, but in those down moments, I convince myself otherwise.

Grief is a fucking beast man.

Xrgonic369 t1_jab4mp6 wrote on February 28, 2023 at 3:47 AM

I’m a chemist, and have now done some drug discovery research; but when my mom died of cancer I was only in undergrad. I still feel guilty for not being able to save her even though it’s rather absurd to think I could have.

So I very much agree. Grief can make us feel things we cognitively know are irrational.

Kveldson t1_jacp0dk wrote on February 28, 2023 at 2:20 PM

I'm sorry friend. Lost my mom to ovarian as well.

She wasn't a great mom, but she was my mom and I loved her. Fucked me up for quite a while.

When I started bawling after my (then) 2 and a half year old asked where my mommy was (she knows her other gtandmother very well) and had to explain through tears while my toddler hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.... that's when I knew that I needed to find a therapist.

That helped a lot. Might be worth looking into for yourself.

Anyway, best of luck.

Verbose_Cactus t1_jae8jeb wrote on February 28, 2023 at 8:20 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. I’m glad you can recognize how irrational those thoughts are, though. It will never be your fault. You made her life ten times more valuable. You gave so much love.

If you don’t already see a therapist, I really do recommend it. Healing is so hard to do alone. They’ve helped me get through a lot

Maatix t1_jabhhcp wrote on February 28, 2023 at 5:49 AM

Was just gonna come say this.

Sure, it doesn't really make sense, but for all we know it was still a fairly fresh wound. And even if it wasn't - There's no timer on how long it takes to heal. Had a coworker who went through something similar, it has been something like 10 years and he still has trouble thinking about dating again. He returns to the thought about him "betraying" his spouse - Even though he knows with absolute certainty (and his spouse told him beforehand that it would be ok) that they would never be angry about them dating again after they passed.

It's just how our brains are wired.

ThisShouldBeObvious2 t1_jacrdpa wrote on February 28, 2023 at 2:37 PM

When you REALLY love someone and lose them, meeting someone new can feel like the deepest kind of betrayal, of their memory and of your commitment in marriage. To some people, it’s akin to finally letting go and that’s so much harder than many people here seem to realize.