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kttuatw t1_j5hcgph wrote

This girl either has a bright future or early onset trust issues. Or both.

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cbbuntz t1_j5hg06v wrote

I feel like if you're smart enough to understand how DNA tests work, you probably shouldn't still believe in Santa

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fatmand00 t1_j5hy5yn wrote

Nobody said she understands how they work. She's smart as hell to come up with this plan, but it still relies on matching the "DNA sample" she collected against . . . what exactly?

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midnightdiabetic t1_j5i0bfw wrote

Maybe Santa Claus is in the system ok??? Or he did 23andme LOL

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Nazamroth t1_j5iub1e wrote

If he is not in the system after those millions of break-ins, what is the police even there for?

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CEU17 t1_j5iw79g wrote

Or was convicted of a felony

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hypermelonpuff t1_j5j3u3h wrote

i love how the tone of this reads like an unironic r/kidsarefuckingstupid moment. i just can't help but imagine seeing this info get delivered onto this poor little girl left in tears, i shouldn't be laughing.

this story treats it like it's a cute little aw kids moment but in reality this poor girl is questioning everything 😭 like, this logically has to be her last step. she would be thinking "ok, this would prove it!" but if she knows it would, she would may have already considered "but how can i be the only one to have tried this? if there's such debate about him being real...wouldnt they have already tried..?"

this isn't someone writing with hope of proof. this poor girl is writing for closure. she's about to bust into dad's room going "WHAT ELSE DAD, HUH? THE TOOTH FAIRY? JESUS? MICHAEL JACKSON? ARE YOU EVEN MY REAL DAD!?!"

"of course i am! honey it's just sant-"

"I GOT THE RESULTS BACK DAD. I SENT IN MINE TO COMPARE TO SEE IF IT WAS YOU OR SANTA, BUT YOUR DNA DIDNT MATCH MINE DAD!"

she wont get gifts from santa anymore, but she will get two christmas' from now on! 😭

edit 21 hours later : the police accepted the request for the DNA test. grab the popcorn. for the film rights, i want 10% of the film's profit on top of 50k upfront. the world needs this story, streaming services. have your people call my people.

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fatmand00 t1_j5jezux wrote

This comment was an unexpected rollercoaster ride.

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InfanticideAquifer t1_j5ivjr8 wrote

Presumably against her parents? A match would be damning evidence of a conspiracy.

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Duke-Guinea-Pig t1_j5jqpmh wrote

well, I doubt this is a proper DNA sample, but bad sample could give the sex of the DNA. A good one could give some of the heritage.

She also collected DNA from a carrot. I doubt the police could identify the DNA as belonging to a reindeer, but someone else could.

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mypeepeehardz t1_j5ismu3 wrote

Well, in science you need evidence before making an absolute conclusion, so i’d say bright future.

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bigbangbilly t1_j5jktjz wrote

>you probably shouldn't still believe in Santa

Not exactly. There's plenty of brilliant people that believes in silly things or are just ignorant in another area

A very notable example would be those with Nobel Disease (basically Nobel Prize winners with strange or bad ideas later in life)

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aCleverGroupofAnts t1_j5jvtea wrote

Basically "I was right about this one thing, so I must be right about everything!"

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BunchaCreeps t1_j5jwkmw wrote

Innocence is still a thing

Plenty of kids are incredibly smart, but still innocent kids

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prison_buttcheeks t1_j5j45ig wrote

I find high intelligence and mental health or similar issues are two sides of the same coin.

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RoboChrist t1_j5jix5h wrote

That's true in movies, less so in real life. People with low intelligence have the same amount of mental health issues as people with high intelligence. But they're less likely to understand their own issues and less likely to have the financial resources to get treatment for them.

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Barjuden t1_j5jkry7 wrote

That's actually not true. Higher intelligence is correlated with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. That doesn't mean it's always the case, but the more intelligent one is the more likely they are to have those mental health problems.

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RoboChrist t1_j5jpn8u wrote

To have them diagnosed, or to have them?

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Barjuden t1_j5jqykc wrote

Probably both. That being said, life circumstances as a child still have way more to do with it than intelligence. There are a lot of relevant factors, and they all affect each other, so it's really better to assess cases individually.

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brownsfan760 t1_j5hgyf8 wrote

Oh man, how do you play that? You confirm Santa, she never trusts the police after the age of 8. Admit santa doesn't exist You ruin this person's childhood.

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Ulthirm t1_j5i2qny wrote

The truth, DNA test came back nonconclusive, and maybe give the parents a hint to say something like "Santa took all the food he touched to be courteous" or something if they dont wanna say Santa isnt real.

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sudomatrix t1_j5ilo1z wrote

> “she never trusts the police after 8”

Don’t worry this one will sort itself out.

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Avethle t1_j5iqtns wrote

Why the fuck do people think that finding out Santa Claus isn't real means a "ruined" childhood. Like seriously, most cultures throughout history never had a Santa Claus. Hell, I wasn't raised believing in Santa Claus. You guys are weird.

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Bainshee t1_j5ix1vp wrote

Childhood ruined is a bit of an exaggeration, but a lot of the christmas magic is gone. You can't understand it if you never had it. I think you can compare it to being heartbroken after a break up. If you never loved someone before, you wouldn't get how it feels.

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RoboChrist t1_j5jkbe6 wrote

Of course it's going to be a bit traumatic, Santa is an incarnation of the perfect father who isn't around to make mistakes.

He's the closest thing most children have to worshipping an actual deity and not just paying lip service. Santa gives presents, not vague promises of salvation, and these presents actually show up!

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BooPointsIPunch t1_j5kq8en wrote

We told our child Santa is make believe right away. He doesn’t seem to be complaining.

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Solidsnakeerection t1_j5jwqt4 wrote

My kid stooped believeing in Santa but never really announced it. I asked her about it and she said believing in Santa is more fun so thats what she goes with.

Im not entirely sure where she is with the tooth fairy.

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Silicon_Knight t1_j5jxrim wrote

My brother did this but because he thought he wouldn’t get gifts if he said he knew lol

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zachtheperson t1_j5j3ubo wrote

Easy: Santa is illusive. You teach that DNA tests require a sample to match it to, so they'll hold onto her request, but unfortunately have to wait until they aquire a sample from Santa to match it to.

Now if she gets wise and says "ok, try to match it to a sample from my dad," that could get a bit trickier

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Miss-Figgy t1_j5k0m2w wrote

They're using the "maaaaaaaaaaybe...stay tuned!" tactic

>The Cumberland Police Department responded to the young girl with "some already uncovered evidence in support of Santa Claus' presence in her neighborhood" on Christmas Eve, a photo of what appeared to be a deer with antlers. The Cumberland Police Department said it is awaiting test results, and asked residents to stay tuned for more information.

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BunchaCreeps t1_j5jws61 wrote

I don’t think she’s gonna think about it so deep to not trust the police

Regardless, 8 is as good a time as any to start teach kids that you shouldn’t trust authority figures 100% of the time

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aCleverGroupofAnts t1_j5jw211 wrote

Tell her that you need more than a little saliva to get a DNA sample. Also Santa's DNA would have to already be in the system. It was a good try, but it simply wouldn't work.

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24-Hour-Hate t1_j5kqm05 wrote

I think that if a child is having significant doubts, then you tell them the truth. Otherwise, you risk them not trusting you. I don't think that it will ruin their childhood and if they're already doubting, that magical time of just believing in santa is already gone.

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Banea-Vaedr t1_j5hd6zr wrote

My sister asked Santa for a signature to compare to friends and neighbors. She found a match and never believed after that.

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Spectre211286 t1_j5hqmz9 wrote

Parents should have known better sign with their non dominant hand

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ThanksForTheRain t1_j5ibga4 wrote

Yeah I don't remember ever believing in Santa, but it was fairly obvious that the handwriting on Santa's gifts looked a LOT like my mother's

I always pretended to believe, because I was afraid if I stopped, I would no longer get any gifts on Christmas lol

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tyco_brahe t1_j5jvcwh wrote

For my kids, the gifts that Santa brings are few, non-expensive, and unwrapped. Helps level the playing field.

Mom and Dad buy the other stuff, wrap it, and gift it.

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24-Hour-Hate t1_j5kri84 wrote

I thought similarly. I thought that the gifts from Santa were extra and I'd get less if I admitted it. Of course, it didn't work this way, there was a budget, but I didn't know that.

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framsanon t1_j5im3z6 wrote

"The test results show, that Santa‘s your dad." "I knew it! I knew it all the time they couldn‘t be my parents! I‘m adopted!"

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Stayvfraw t1_j5idkjh wrote

“Young lady, the only DNA we found on those cookies are from your mother placing them on the plate, and the Roanoke River Killer from taking a bite out of them.”

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drmcsinister t1_j5i0w1x wrote

Spoiler alert: it was just icing.

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MustFixWhatIsBroken t1_j5jwpdn wrote

Looks fake. The writing pattern shows repeated instances of cursive that come out with muscle memory and are then intentionally suppressed.

What I want to know is if it's attention seeking parents or just lame cops with nothing of legitimate interest to share on social media.

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BrewUO_Wife t1_j5jhckc wrote

Lol, it’s ok, they just need to tell her the truth: the police don’t have the resources to DNA test for low level offenses. Harsh does of reality right there. 😂

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swordswamp t1_j5in2a5 wrote

I remember asking Santa for a DNA kit & a fingerprint kit to see if Santa was real and I tried doing a bite analysis of the carrots with my dogs. Unfortunately I was too slow to take the carrots away from them in time...

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swordswamp t1_j5in5i3 wrote

I never got the DNA kit and the fingerprint kit was made for kids & cheap so I obviously could not gather the evidence I needed

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jcmonkeyjc t1_j5j2h1g wrote

it's a match to your mum and her boyfriend. sorry kid no evidence of your Dad/Santa

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SopwithTurtle t1_j5j5jx2 wrote

Plot twist: She knows her dad is a serial killer, but also knows nobody will believe her - this is her way of turning him in by getting his DNA on file.

2

mike-godwin01 t1_j5jhbge wrote

Well, Santa doesn't believe in you either!

2

seniorfrito t1_j5jpnsr wrote

Next update on this story in r/nottheonion

9 Years Later, Girl That Asked for DNA Test of Cookie, Sues Cumberland Police Department for Falsifying Evidence

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jusst_for_today t1_j5jz8xn wrote

My partner is really intense about "keeping the magic alive" with Santa and the Tooth Faery and such. I get putting the suggestion out there, but I feel like it should always have a hint of "maybe it's not really real". But, I grew up never really having a serious belief in any of it. I actually appreciated that the gifts came from my parents, as it represented my parents putting a distinct effort for me and my siblings.

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paxrom2 t1_j5k69ee wrote

Does santa have a DNA sample on file?

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indervinder t1_j5kicup wrote

The only way to play this is for the police department to say they don’t have DNA samples of Santa Claus so they can’t do a match.

This is the only sensible reply. Why would anyone have DNA samples of Santa Claus unless he was convicted of a crime?

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Ryimax t1_j5i62g4 wrote

Seems like something I would have done

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Chard069 t1_j5ii2nm wrote

Would you be satisfied with a verdict of Satan Claus?

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WhatIsNoMan t1_j5ibef7 wrote

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought this would happen to me.

Santa and his reindeer are sitting around having a circle jerk onto a cookie...

1

nothxshadow t1_j5ihy31 wrote

damn now how can they get out of this without crushing the dreams of thousands of kids? Say santa is real?

1

StyreneAddict1965 t1_j5jj9z1 wrote

Take that, Virginia! You just didn't have the tools.

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Gibscreen t1_j5k6th3 wrote

Instead they showed up at her house, arrested her for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest and then shot her dog.

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[deleted] t1_j5kwkob wrote

[removed]

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1

crokinoleworld t1_j5ky0rg wrote

The only correct answer is that there is a little bit of Santa Claus in all of us.

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KRAE_Coin t1_j5m6zri wrote

They'll get right on it, prioritizing it over the thousands of rape kits in storage.

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vysken t1_j5j80p0 wrote

Young Sheldon just got a new episode concept.

0