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Nightchildd t1_j8per94 wrote

Whenever life felt unfair
I’d go outside for some fresh air
Normally heading to the seas
Desperately in need for the nice breeze

Waited barefoot on the shore
And let waves crash on my feet
Truly a feeling I adore
Even then, I felt defeat
Ready to end my inner war

End is near, i can feel it
As a sunflower in September
Rotting , fading ready to peel it
To use her seeds and to remember
How long you got to keep it

Fired up, and full of passion
I’m ready to become a better person
Ready to rise up after I burn
Eyes out world, it is my turn

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thoughtsthoughtof t1_j8qap3s wrote

I like how you start this poem for this verse things feel off I think it would be better with

Like a sunflower fading in September
I'm ready to begin anew
To let my seeds spread and grow
letting something that was great be greater /to let something strong be stronger

Or Our end is near I can feel it
We were good but not the best fit/not meant to be ...
Like a Sunflower in September
Fate decides it's time for me to go.
Use my seeds and remember
all the times we had together.

Or some others depends on what struggles in particular

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Nightchildd t1_j8qqzeu wrote

I agree, however look closer at the first letter of each line haha. I also tried to keep it rhyming and struggled to keep it light

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thoughtsthoughtof t1_j8qunsl wrote

Oh did you want it to be completely general struggles or did u have more idea of potential meanings for inner war maybe just without it after peel instead be peeled and to have her seeds used maybe

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eigen-dog t1_j8r1obb wrote

I like how the mood more or less rises consistently from start to end.

I'd say maybe be more deliberate about- / experiment more with rhythm. For example, the last line of the first verse > Desperately in need for the nice breeze

feels a bit jammed into the rhythm of the previous lines. Same with the second line of second verse. This can be totally ok and even great if done deliberately, to highlight something about what the line is saying, sort of how a long galloping-sounding sentence can emphasise movement.

Also, every line being a new clause gets (semantically) repetitive and limits what you can do with rhythm, try some enjambments.

A useful method I sometimes use is to start a poem conforming to a specific metrical structure (like using only iambs, only n stressed syllables, etc.) then as I start to hear the poem better I let myself break the structure where it feels right. YMMV but this usually helps when I don't have a clear aural picture of what I want to say.

Hope this was useful!

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Nightchildd t1_j8pfbcx wrote

I hope it doesn’t count off topic haha but i had fun writing this :)

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