A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich

Submitted by Akhi1 t3_11zaq1j in Jokes

After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is surprised and asks the panda why he did that. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "panda", which reads: "Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

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CuredOast672 t1_jdbmx2x wrote

Here’s your upvote.. Now, make like a tree, and get outta here!

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ACOGJager t1_jdcj38m wrote

it's LEAF L E A F. make like a leaf and get outta here.

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ChiefScout_2000 t1_jddsb25 wrote

Canuck here: Make like a Leaf and get the puck outahere.

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Thneed1 t1_jddvq4l wrote

Also Canuck here: Make like a Leaf and lose in the first round.

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kkitty44 t1_jderl6f wrote

Wow. In your universe, the leafs make the playoffs?

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Ewetootwo t1_jdevkrc wrote

Did so last year and will again this year. The real question is will Lightning strike twice?

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Ewetootwo t1_jdfhuqc wrote

So the dictionary entry should be changed to: eats shoots and talks to bartenders.

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Drando4 t1_jddzuyz wrote

Pittsburgher here: Make like the Pens and lose in the first round.

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unopoularopinion t1_jddvtb6 wrote

Canucks and Leafs are different sides of the country

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ChiefScout_2000 t1_jddzeol wrote

I HABitually make that mistake.

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unopoularopinion t1_jde02xt wrote

Going up in Flames. Need to take a Jet

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Ddowns5454 t1_jde7die wrote

Please make like a goose and get the flock out of here

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Snoo_95983 t1_jdfbf27 wrote

Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!

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No_Indication_1691 t1_jdd5ykl wrote

Make like a baby and head out

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AsYouAnswered t1_jddr5us wrote

Make like a baby and split!

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SABatoge2002 t1_jdc4809 wrote

It's LEAF! Make like a tree and leaf! God, ya sound like a damn fool when you say it wrong!

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Ok-Comfortable6400 t1_jdc6k9l wrote

Pretty sure he is referencing Biff from the back to the future series or boondock sts.

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DeaconBrad42 t1_jdcaa2n wrote

SAB’s response is old Biff’s response to young Biff in Back to the Future II when he hears young Biff say it wrong in 1955.

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surfingkoala035 t1_jdexfq1 wrote

Still my favorite line of comedy ever. Mainly because I saw B2TF2 when I was still very young and I didn’t get what Biff was supposed to be saying. Funny.

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legallyalienated t1_jdd6nq8 wrote

I’m just a courier, so don’t get upset with ME, but the Karma Justice Department asked me to deliver this … Actually, its “make like a tree and LEAVE” not LEAF.

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emzirek t1_jdecg20 wrote

why don't you make like a baby and head out

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AkhiraAmin t1_jdczuzg wrote

Make like a tree and fuck off - Ricky TBP

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Luked0g44O t1_jdd89vp wrote

Make like a prostitute, and blow this joint.

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PMmeHOPEplease t1_jdek06p wrote

It was a joke from the back of a book to learn better English, can't remember the name but they had a series of them for English and maths. I never read the book but laughed a few times at the joke on the back.

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sdforbda t1_jdbn5mp wrote

I'm bamboozled.

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BachsBicep t1_jdchg4j wrote

The next day a squirrel walks into the bar and orders a fruit salad. After he finishes eating he begins masturbating vigorously. The bartender is outraged and asks the squirrel what he thinks he's doing. In response the squirrel pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "squirrel", which reads: "Squirrel: a small rodent that lives in trees. Eats fruit and nuts."

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regrettablyold t1_jdcp693 wrote

Good one, but what sort of bar serves fruit salad?

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chrisfpdx t1_jdbs2x1 wrote

Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation is a non-fiction book written by Lynne Truss, the former host of BBC Radio 4's Cutting a Dash programme. In the book, published in 2003, Truss bemoans the state of punctuation in the United Kingdom and the United States and describes how rules are being relaxed in today's society. Her goal is to remind readers of the importance of punctuation in the English language by mixing humour and instruction.

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anonny42357 t1_jdbs8ic wrote

I want that book. I didn't know I needed it, but now I do. I'm an English nerd, so it sounds amusing AF.

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theembodimentoffat t1_jdcktfo wrote

>Lynne Truss

Any relation to that failure of a PM whose tenure's only significant event was the Queen's death?

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Yoyo524 t1_jdcnibn wrote

I read that book and was hoping someone else would reference it in the comments

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Ewetootwo t1_jdev9k9 wrote

Exactly the right reference. Thank you. Moreover the plural of leaf is leaves. And of course if Toronto leaves the playoffs NHL in the early rounds they’ll once again be the Maple Loafs.

So leave the leaf alone and watch the Maple Leafs loaf about.

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thebemusedmuse t1_jdewrmq wrote

I liked that book. I liked the parody of it - Eats, Shits and Leaves - better

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Betta45 t1_jddui49 wrote

I love this book. I have red pen at the ready because of it.

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thetomahawk42 t1_jdfcqoe wrote

It's a brilliant book! It should be mandatory reading in all schools.

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Conscious_Amoeba8232 t1_jdcypr3 wrote

The version I heard is that the panda shoots in the air and runs out. The bartender shouts after him, “Why did you do that?!”, and the panda shouts back, “look it up!”. The bartender pulls out a dictionary and so forth.

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thetomahawk42 t1_jdfczcz wrote

Yep. It kinda doesn't make sense unless the Panda actually leaves...

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Luked0g44O t1_jdd82jh wrote

You left out walking out after firing the gun.

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peter_the_martian t1_jdcr21k wrote

A polar bear and the musical artist Seal walks into a bar. They exchange pleasantries and, well you know the rest

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bunglefrungle t1_jddoi6i wrote

the seal blows his own head off with a shotgun, yeah I'm familiar

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The_Griggler t1_jdc1fll wrote

I grew up with a mate we called the wombat, because he eats, roots, shoots and leaves

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regrettablyold t1_jdcot3s wrote

Bare nosed wombats can make cube-shaped poops. Wombat fact. I think they are the cutest marsupial. Wombat opinion.

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camerupts t1_jdcptdc wrote

i haven't heard this one in forever!! my dad loved this one, brought a big smile to my face :)

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Fordemups t1_jdecdrk wrote

Best joke I’ve seen on here in ages. Bravo

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SaintCholo t1_jdf8ytj wrote

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He's never been out of the yard."

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Proper_Ambassador525 t1_jdfcxfv wrote

The following day, a wombat enters the bar and orders a chicken parmigiana. After he finishes eating, he looks around and sees a beautiful woman. He wanders over and whispers a few words in her ear.

Next thing the bartender knows, the wombat is making sweet sweet love to the woman, right there in the bar!!

Shocked, the bartender demands to know what's going on!!

The wombat pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry for wombat. Eats roots and leaves.

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DuctTapeRuler_14 t1_jdcfymx wrote

That, my friends, is not a panda. He never left.

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piggie45 t1_jdchqvp wrote

I heard this joke before only it was a Koala, a prostitute and bush...

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jenlindesigns t1_jdcqllh wrote

Awe, some good clean and clever humor for a change!!

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mcgargargar t1_jdcyz2b wrote

Like Charles Barkley at Sixers practices

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gambled94 t1_jdd8u6w wrote

Lol the amount of people not understanding the make like a tree and get outta here reference. Smh

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Responsible-Pass7902 t1_jddldu9 wrote

Why did I think it was going to be one a black person thing and one a white person thing. Haha

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palebluedotcitizen t1_jddst2w wrote

Old joke but I heard it differently: why doesn't the male panda cuddle his lady panda after sex? He eats, shoots and leaves.

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JimmyL1957 t1_jddzfsq wrote

Hey! Just make like a Shephard and get the flock out!

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SteamyPork t1_jde20x6 wrote

I’m gonna make like diarrhea and run

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26shiva t1_jdei9c8 wrote

That's about as funny as a screen door on a battle ship 😜😎

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notnicks1 t1_jdf0dnj wrote

Version i heard: a girl meets this realy cool panda in a bar and they hit it off. They swap phone numbers and agree to go out one day. She never hears from him so eventually calls the panda, and asks if he'd like to come over for dinner -she'd cook.

The panda comes round to hers and they have a great time. He's charming and funny, and really flirty. After the meal he makes a move, and 10 minutes later theyre naked, and getting freaky. They both cum, and as she rolls off him expecting to cuddle, the panda is up and heading for the door.

she phones her best friend and tells her about this wonderful panda she met who just wanted her for sex. Thats pandas for you, the friends says. EATS, SHOOTS AND LEAVES..

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Snoo_95983 t1_jdfbinw wrote

Make like a shepherd and get the flock out of here!

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Romulofras t1_jdfhnc2 wrote

Wow this won't go down well in Australia it's wombats. Only wombats eats roots and leaves. 😁

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Saavedroo t1_jdfi2se wrote

Sooo... I understand where the joke ought to be. But I guess I must be missing one definition of "shoots".

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ItsameMatt03 t1_jdfp7u3 wrote

This is one of the oldest jokes.

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muffsnake t1_jdfqznf wrote

The version I heard involved a hooker, cunnilingus, and the punchline “eats bushes and leaves”

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dinosaur1972 t1_jdfy4qr wrote

That's the one I heard too. Mighta been a koala instead of a panda?

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Huge_Name1866 t1_jdgg1zm wrote

That's so funny,I had to grin and bear it. Rofl.

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Outrageous-emma t1_jdeggqk wrote

My advice is to improve your value before you have the capital to negotiate with a manager

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