Ms Piggy v Hulk. Hulk had just insulted Kermit over his fuzzy green skin

Just then, a very confused looking Perry the Platypus walks in and surveys the scene. Once Perry sees Puss, they exchange a knowing nod of respect.

I awoke to a horrible headache. Reaching for my glasses, I hear them fall from the table to the floor. I swear as I bend over to pick them up. The headache causes me to fall from the bed. I'm too miserable to get up so I lay on the floor, drinking in the coolness of the linoleum floor.

I tried to remember if I went drinking last night. I came up with nothing after making sure my alarm was turned off. Slowly, I realized it was Saturday morning, and I had probably caught something. What was that thing the TV said was hitting everyone? Filo - something? Sibling to Ebola or something like that. I take a deep breath and force myself to my feet, shuffling to the bathroom.

I do my morning essential. I get in the shower, and as the water runs down my face, I close my eyes. Something felt off. I felt my head, and there wasn't the soft poof of hair there. My brain came to sudden alertness and I looked at the floor of my shower. There was hair everywhere! I suddenly shut the water off. I looked through all my shampoos and conditioners....None smelled any different. I hadn't used any of them yet, but I still didn't think I had spread myself with Nair in my sleep.

I dry off, noticing all of the hair on my body is gone. Not even near my genitals. I flinch as I peer into the mirror. A pink-skinned horror staring back at me. Even my teeth looked different. Somehow brighter, and not the yellowish brown I was used to. And my eyes! No longer the slits I had seen as a child. Now they are large and round...and have white in them.

The room started spinning and a black tunnel began closing in.

I awoke sometime later, my head on the floor and my feet wrapped around the toilet. I knew I had the Filo disease, whatever they were calling it. It was horrible. I had lost all of my hair! My skin had lightened, and my teeth and eyes were so foreign. I planted my face in my now-pink hands. I felt a little stubble on my jawline. "Perhaps I'm overreacting," I hoped. Looking in the mirror, I saw some hair growing on my face. Not the normal, soft, flowing brown I was used to. It was a thick, black, scratchy thing. This disease was merciless. I was no longer the same Sasquatch I had always thought myself to be. I was something new, and I hated it.

I awoke from the long sleep of a man too focused. The words had lost all meaning though I still read them. The candles in my room flickered with a soft breeze from my open window. A chill writhed through me, up my back and through my head. Closing the book, I now understood.

I was given a task. Actually, I was given THE task. All of mankind's wisdom, folly, dreams, and nightmares lived here. A library unrivaled even by the internet. And in all of that, I was to read the ONE book that nobody had read in centuries. The ONE book that inspired murder, death, and suffering.

It's pages corrupted the souls of those who read it. It was originally hand-written, and it's first pages had turned to dust long before any remaining memory; even in this place. It claimed a divine origin, though nobody seemed to understand the words it contained. Written in languages long-dead.

I had to learn an ancient tongue to read it. And even then, I only had a translation, so I'm not entirely sure it's truly the correct book. The Elder told me what to look for; key phrases to search. I was warned to avoid reading more than what was necessary. I wish I had listened.

At dawn I found the evidence. Three passages that were exactly in the right places. One was supposed to be a prayer for the dead. The second was about resurrecting the dead. The final was a warning. These passages intrigued me. I kept reading. Beginning to end. Stories of rebellion, the rise and fall of kingdoms, love profound, a human sacrifice, and a curse against a woman who mastered a beast.

These pages seemed different, somehow. I do not see the need for it's destruction. I somehow feel that I should protect it. That I should preserve it. Perhaps copy it in secret. Maybe even translate it into a modern language so others can study it. Perhaps some day we could unlock it's secrets.

I feel as if it could inspire greatness among men. As if it could save us from the damnation that stalked all mankind from birth. That we could rise anew from the ashes of the old, and rebuild what was lost! It must be made known to all. It's secrets must be shared.

I began to urgently pack a traveling bag. I packed light, so that I might move swiftly. I had a few coins. They should be enough for a time. What was that phrase? "The worker deserves his food." That was it. Wise words! I carefully concealed the book in a wrapping of parchments. I sealed it with a wax seal; using the signet from our order.

Opening the door, I started to make my way to the Great Hall....

​

"He is leaving, My Lord," the steward said to The Elder. "Should I summon the guards?"

"No, I'll handle it. Simply ensure the doors stay closed."

​

I approached the doors. The grand entrance to our Hall. Made of Oak. Solid construction. These would outlast even the strongest siege engines. They were also heavy. I could not move them. A hand suddenly pressed weight on my shoulder.

"Brother, where are you going at this hour?"

It's The Elder! A jolt of panic shot through me. However, there's no way he knew my intentions. I could actually be honest and keep my vow. I only had to omit a few things.

"Elder! You startled me," I replied, "I was wanting to travel to Bringham."

"At this hour? It is well past the sunset and the dawn is still many hours away. Surely you could have waited until dawn?"

I let out a deep sigh. Of course he's right. Yet, if I delay, there's a chance I might fail. Failure CANNOT be allowed to happen. I persisted, "in normal circumstances, I would. Yet I fear a great loss. I don't have time to explain, I must go!"

His hand held firm. I could not move. His eyes met mine. Steely, grey eyes. Eyes that seemed to look into my thoughts themselves. I could not fail. Even with all my fears, I MUST escape with the book. My heart raced, my breaths became shallow and fast. I felt sweat on my forehead, felt the slight warmth of the lantern in The Elder's free hand.

"Brother Thomas," he began, "it is important that I know the answer about that book we discovered. Did you find those three passages?" I dared not lie to him. I did not need to.

"Yes," I stammered, "they were there. I've started the process of handling the book now."

"Handling it? I told you to validate the book, and then report to me. You could have done that well before lunch. Yet you've been in your room since dawn."

He knew! He had to know! I stood silent, our eyes locked. I suddenly noticed a numbness in my shoulder. I couldn't move my arm.

"You're feeling it now, aren't you? You've read the pages. I'm sorry it had to be you, but you're the only one who understands Ancient English. This was too important to leave any doubt. I wish you could have resisted." His voice was empathetic. I felt his empathy where my chest felt both numb and pain.

"It will be over soon. You'll grow weaker and more weary. Your chest will tighten until you slip away. It's as painless as I can make it."

"Why? Why do we need to destroy it?"

"Because this book, this ancient, ancient book. Was the reason the old world was destroyed. It's text spurred wars and genocide and countless deaths. It's words can be twisted to justify atrocities not seen in centuries."

My hearing started to muffle. His words sounded more distant. I became aware that I was on the floor now. The cold stone I felt only on my lower legs, though I knew I should feel it through my thigh.

"There are many like this book. Claiming to be messages from the ancient gods. They must all be destroyed, less we resurrect the Old Ways. Accept peace. The emptiness you shall behold will not pain you."

The Elder then began reciting a passage from the book itself, "...though I walk in the valley of deep shadow, I fear no harm...." The darkness envelopes me.