TIFU Currently happening: I went to bathroom and didn’t look around first

Submitted by norfolk82 t3_10mxhmo in tifu

This is my current situation. I am stuck in my bathroom. I had to go #2 really bad so i ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to do my business. I have been watching TikTok’s and reading Reddit for a good 30 min as i usually do in what i consider my fortress of solitude. My legs started to go numb which is my usual sign that it’s time to get off the pot. I put my phone down and I reach for the toilet paper. This is where i notice my critical error… there is none. There is no one in my house and i have to be at the bus stop to pick up my kids in about 10 min. Now i have a few choices: waddle out of the bathroom and try not to make a mess on my journey to find toilet paper. Use my hand and just wash throughly after the fact or wait for my wife to come home which should be right before my kid gets off the bus.
It’s a choose your own adventure situation. TLDR: i didn’t check the bathroom for toilet paper before i went #2

Update: luckily it was a dry poop so i just clenched and waddled to find paper to clean up with. I posted this because it was relatable and funny.

Update 2: it’s a half bath. No shower

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_j66m6db wrote

> legs started to go numb which is my usual sign that it’s time to get off the pot

I thought an empty asshole is the sign to get off the pot

225

JaimeEtc t1_j673h5b wrote

Some people are empty assholes when they arrive, how to they know when to get up?

89

cstmoore t1_j68feta wrote

I go through life as an empty asshole.

3

akai_tsubaki t1_j67xmro wrote

Something like that can come only from women. Every man knows that you sit on toilet atleast 25 min. Or until someone else start knocking.

6

The_Snuggliest_Panda t1_j692p6v wrote

Even when someone else knocks, you never say “occupied!” You just clear your throat loudly of cough until they go away

3

ozaku7 t1_j68736n wrote

Thighs on the toilet seat are the most comfortable place to be in for a man as the genitals can just hang uncompressed by everything else in daily life. That, including the silence from family makes it bliss.

A woman will never understand it.

2

AcrobaticSource3 t1_j68kzag wrote

Lots of dudes I know wear shorts or sweats all the time so they can have uncompressed genitals.

Also, “Uncompressed Genitals” is a great name for a band

9

ozaku7 t1_j68ly4z wrote

Now imagine sitting down without them resting on anything either. Double the bliss.

2

lollipopfiend123 t1_j697fxp wrote

Ok, this is the first time in my entire life that I have seen this and it makes SO much sense.

1

insomniartist t1_j65seo7 wrote

I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing, this is hilarious- reminds me of a playground rhyme

"If you're sitting on the bowl, and you dont have a roll, be a man, use your hand"

I....recommend finding literally anything else first, but that's just me lmao

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mrmike5157 t1_j669dar wrote

I’m an old guy, so forgive me if this is completely unrelatable, but there’s an old TV show called ‘Branded’ that had a theme song that was soon rewritten by my second-grade peers as follows: STRANDED! Stranded on the toilet BOWL! What do you do when you’re stranded/and you need another rooolll/ (gently now, strings come in here) you wiiiipe with your hand/to prove you’re a man/STRANDED! (Bows and leaves)

28

ElizabethDanger t1_j67fawa wrote

Your second-grade peers wouldn’t happen to have been the Chili Peppers, would they?

8

Born4thJuly t1_j664hle wrote

That's going to be stuck in my head now thanks. Can relate. Currently pooping. Butt...I have TP. Always make sure. Before...hand

13

FlyGuy_2000 t1_j65rs01 wrote

So you can't just use your underwear to wipe and throw away? (Or wash and use again)

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BonesIIX t1_j65pdwo wrote

  • Where is the nearest box of tissues?
  • Do you have any paper napkins around from take out food?
  • Where is the nearest roll of paper towels? (Don't flush those)
  • Do you have 2 seashells?
24

WarXMT t1_j65rr6p wrote

you forgot. Is there sand paper anywhere in the house?

10

andywalker76 t1_j67bzxo wrote

OP, number 1 rule before starting any project; check the status of your necessary resources..........

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Vanerac t1_j67ofk1 wrote

Reason 5 million on why bidets are amazing. This comment brought to you be the bidet gang.

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WPBDoc t1_j66xewt wrote

What is all this discussion about using your hands?!?!?!?! Never have I ever considered such a thing!

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WHOISTIRED t1_j65yqc1 wrote

Dog, you're home alone. What are you a child? Literally all you have to do is find some toilet paper, if you had none take a shower and scrub your ass real good, it's that simple.

This isn't TIFU it's Today I realize I'm actually stupid.

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norfolk82 OP t1_j65zww0 wrote

Good grief. It’s a funny story to tell in the moment. I was hoping some would get a laugh out of it. I assure you I’m able to figure it out.

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WHOISTIRED t1_j66fpgw wrote

I mean, when you're over exaggerating the situation you're in it loses its funny value. If you weren't home and say at an airport or something of the like, then it would definitely be a TIFU and an actual moment where you DEFINITELY fucked up. This is a minor inconvenience that most of us have already been through.

−1

anothersip t1_j689obj wrote

Jesus, lighten up. I thought it was funny. Same thing happened to me like, 2 days ago. Poop stories are funny, inherently. It's embarrassing. I just keep like 6 extra rolls in my vanity cabinet, so at most I only have to stand for like 10 seconds if I reach over to an empty roll.

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TAZfromTX t1_j69pjn1 wrote

This.

It is funny.

Poop stories are inherently funny.

Just because you were at home and not in public doesn’t make it not funny. Less of a FU? Yes. It’s much more easily resolved without the embarrassment of being in public, but it’s still funny.

I laughed. :)

2

MagicPenguin99 t1_j670c6i wrote

You must be fun at parties.

−6

WHOISTIRED t1_j6736fc wrote

Yea let me get drunk to not have an actual conversation and laugh at things that aren't funny.

−2

nickeypants t1_j67b0yz wrote

Desperation will reveal many previously unknown options to you. Necessity is the mother of invention.

  1. Did you get fully naked before pooping? I doubt it, you sound like a dookie rookie and that is a pro pooper move. How attached to your underwear/socks are you?

  2. Anything in the wallet? Your boss's business card perhaps? Any low denomination bills? How much cash is your dignity worth?

  3. when you say the roll is empty, exactly HOW empty? It is technically possible to fully wipe with half of one square. Save a corner to clean the finger nail.

  4. Did you consider unfolding the empty cardboard roll? Cardboard is uncomfortable, but less so than the waddle up the stairs. It still counts as paper. Your gun may be out of ammo, but you can still throw the gun.

  5. I pray you at least chose the master bath. Jump in the shower, grit your teeth, and dig in. It is impossible to be dirty in the shower. Waffle stomp the excess down the drain. Do NOT use the loofah.

Good luck, and Godspeed soldier.

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RavenMarvel t1_j67la3b wrote

I'd use the cardboard roll. I came here to comment that. Lmao. Use it, waddle, toss the roll in a bag to throw away on the way to grab a fresh roll and waddle back 😭☠️

4

RosleneV t1_j67istu wrote

Clench those ass cheeks, pull those pants up a bit, and go on your way to venture out for toilet paper around the house.

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Brandeeno2245 t1_j65phe3 wrote

What's your shower situation can you rinse yourself off super quick if not your going to have to get your hands dirty.

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norfolk82 OP t1_j65qaj5 wrote

I’m in the half bath. But that would be a solid choice if i was in a full bath.

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Brandeeno2245 t1_j65qmnu wrote

Any sponges or wash rags you can throw away without anyone noticing like get a ziplock bag after your done and find a dumpster somewhere to dispose of the evidence.

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pewpew26 t1_j65uxym wrote

If you’re wearing socks, you have no issue….

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darthurphoto t1_j66yeoz wrote

I would always prefer the waddle over the hand wipe.

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JetsetCat t1_j65rgbo wrote

In dire circumstances your hand will do and you can wash it all off.

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RavenMarvel t1_j67l43g wrote

Burn. You can burn the germs all off. I'd use the hottest water in the world and get a nice fresh layer of skin. Don't try this at home guys it's a me problem. Lol

2

DoStuffZ t1_j67t0pd wrote

First thing before making a solution is - go on reddit and post about.

Second, then we find a solution for the problem at hand.

This order is very important, as internet points are more valuable than RL.

</sarcasm>

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DifficultyStrong1174 t1_j65r6ab wrote

You sit there for 30min ?!?

3

Born4thJuly t1_j664og8 wrote

30 minutes is just a warm up. I'm more concerned about losing my balance at minute 31 when my foot can't feel the floor!

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norfolk82 OP t1_j65zfh4 wrote

I took some comical liberties in the telling of my story.

4

SpiritTalker t1_j65u9wi wrote

Shake it off and waddle, my dude.

3

badger8585 t1_j66l3ls wrote

Living alone and fearing a scenario like this is what made me invest in a really nice bidet. No toilet paper, no problem. Just pressure wash your butt, let the fan air dry you, and boom no getting stuck.

3

jeancv8 t1_j68y5ut wrote

30 mins? Jesus

3

noziquinha t1_j69douy wrote

Dude, just take a shower 🤦‍♀️

3

watupdoods t1_j69gkgc wrote

Just get in the shower you psychopath

3

Surf-fishing t1_j66b1rs wrote

Ophfff that sucks. I feel like we’ve all been there, so the pain in known. Godspeed.

2

grasshacques t1_j66fro1 wrote

I installed the tushy butt washy thing. I still use tp for drying but when I forget to restock I just put on my underwear and switch to a new pair after it absorbs all the water

2

miket417 t1_j66obvf wrote

You have to use socks or your underwear. Pro tip.

2

cupcakecheesecake99 t1_j67don0 wrote

This is why there should always be an empty bottle next to the toilet- makeshift bidet. Also, you should be using water anyways.

2

Fun5hin3 t1_j67erpw wrote

Not sure what you did, but I personally go from one bathroom to the next to get toilet paper in this situation.

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scaffnet t1_j680r8w wrote

Oh brother. Unless you are actively dribbling diarrhea from your ass, you’re not going to paint the rugs brown while you walk around the house looking for TP without wiping. It’s gonna feel gross and weird but that’s it.

2

TerraKorruption t1_j6815nc wrote

Watching tiktoks and reading reddit for a good 30 minutes.

My man, this TIFU is no longer a FU. Your business has probably caked and dried on your ass by now so you'd likely be safe to go find TP.

and even if it hasn't, so long as your not holding a log between your cheeks it's not like shit is gonna just drip out all over the floor.

Either way, ALWAYS check for TP first and keep the backup rolls near the fortress of solitude Incase of emergencies

2

Calling-Out-Stupid t1_j68j6ot wrote

You shouldn’t sit in the can that long. You’re gonna start getting hemorrhoids, especially as you get older. I’d suggest a different fortress of solitude.

2

P0WD3RDT095TM9N t1_j6a7inc wrote

Shit if I was home alone and this happened I'd take a quick shower lol

2

lokidafool t1_j65xhbe wrote

Dookie sock, and throw it away

1

mgentry999 t1_j65zgci wrote

Get In the shower and use the water.

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OkVolume1 t1_j6634hr wrote

Are you wearing a t-shirt or socks?

1

xhaopham t1_j66hjqk wrote

If your near the shower, wash your ass and wet the floor NBD. If you are only in a bathroom you shit what you can and hold clothes below ur ass as you waddle to the closest shower and do the same. godspeed

1

vKEITHv t1_j66iygb wrote

Them socks are toast, underwear if not. That’s just me tho

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VintageChaos t1_j66jssj wrote

Why not stick your butt in the shower and rinse the poo off?

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RavenMarvel t1_j67lcow wrote

Half bath op said. Tough break. I'd use the cardboard 😭☠️

1

i_need_a_username201 t1_j670ipp wrote

Bruh, use your underwear, toss them, get new ones, get the kids, shower after. Not too difficult.

1

1600hazenstreet t1_j671t68 wrote

Run over to the next stall or start using paper towels.

1

cheesemcpuff t1_j67qekn wrote

How much time was wasted writing this instead of just acting

1

DSEEE t1_j67s0lk wrote

Use a sock and bin it after?

1

jackquillan t1_j67wpfx wrote

I got a bidet attachment for all the toilets in my house ...best 60 bucks I ever spent. This is never a problem anymore lol

1

akai_tsubaki t1_j67xcxx wrote

Just walk to shower, take quick shower and you are good to go.

1

ozaku7 t1_j68764z wrote

Just blast your ass in the shower with water? It gets way cleaner that way versus smearing shit over your hole with a paper.

1

Due-Profession-3563 t1_j699arf wrote

Jump in the shower right quick I hope was an option also

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collegiateofzed t1_j69bbvn wrote

Best option.

Cleanest outcome. Prefferred way of pooing whenever this is available.

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Imgroult t1_j6ai8vz wrote

What do you mean "make a mess"? It happened to me before, and trust me I don't leave a trail of poop behind me when I skidaddle to get some paper

1

danny_welbz t1_j6i343k wrote

If only you understand the powers of the asian bidet

1

summidee t1_j684an7 wrote

Have a quick shower. Fuck, do you have to ask reddit how to literally clean your arse? You could have done it by the time you posted.

The human race is doomed by people like you.

0

summidee t1_j684doc wrote

“I can’t wipe my own arse better post it” fuck, I’m done. Good luck to your off spring if you can’t even work that out

0

burnerac t1_j65s2ug wrote

Got panties? They wash. Or could be thrown away. Btw, bidets are amazing and frequently you don't even need tp with a bidet.

−2

claraalberta t1_j6806gy wrote

It won't help this particular TIFU, but I second getting a bidet for next time.

1