You made your bed so you might as well get used to laying in it. This is what happens when you play games and try to have your cake and eat it too. You knew your ex was toxic for you at a very high degree and you had a guy that just wanted you. Yet you kept going back to your ex......nah i hope L finds happiness somewhere else because you played that man for a long ass time and chose toxicity over love. So for L's sake just leave him alone and work on yourself. You obviously have a lot of issues you need to deal with before taking on a real relationship. If its meant to be then it will be.

well, as far as advice for you, get this ex guy OUT of ur life. he/they are providing nothing for u. also, u know what ur personal problems are more than anyone. recognizing them and find a want to improve is the first step to getting better. humans are social creatures, and when a social contract/relationships trust is breached, the consequences are grave for those involved.

which coincidentally is also true for how you treated L. look, if you don’t deserve to be treated devilishly by your ex (and no matter what you think right now, u dont), L doesnt deserve to be treated poorly by you.

probably just focus on yourself for a while. its incredibly difficult if not impossible to have a healthy, intimate relationship if you are in a really bad place. take some time away from relationships to learn about yourself, your flaws and your positives.

best of luck,

• some random fucking stranger on the internet.

p.s.: be well

this might be awkward, but if L is as amazing and wonderful as you say he is, I'd send him a link to your post.

You have been open and honest. You've bared your soul and vulnerabilities to the anonymoose community of Reddit.

Be brave one more time.

Or... copy pasta what you just posted and send it to him.

May fortune smile upon you! Dare to take a leap of faith!