TIFU by taking a dump in her old toilet

Submitted by Ninjaxas t3_11xxvr3 in tifu

This happened a few hours ago. I (22M) am on a short two-day trip to Kaunas city and I needed a place to stay for two nights, so my friend that lives there, but was away, hooked me up with one of his better friends (21F).

She is super busy and I arrive late, so I only get too meet and talk with her shortly the first day as she picked me up from airport. But turns out she is hot and we get along more than well. 

She gives me extra key and the next evening, I am home first and she is coming earlier today too. She texts she is on her way and I am waiting.

Her apartment is one of those older soviet built ones, so the plumbing is pretty weak there, some faucets barely work.

Problem starts when soon after her message I get an urge to make shit. And taking a shit is somewhat sacret to me as otherwise I feel uncomfortable, so I cant postpone it for later. I knew it was risky, since I saw how weak the flush is, and if I cant get my waste down, that would kill all my dignity and whole vibe if she discovers.

I do the deed. Its a few of those buayant floaty types. I pray the lord, sent potentially last words to my friends and press the rusted flush button. Some shit go down but two big turds still chilling above sea level. This is only beginning of the adventure.

I regret my choices for a few moments, but then adrenaline takes over. The plumbing is bad so flush tank fills very slow and also its apparently ineffective anyways. Need ideas.

I resort to traditional methods. I find the biggest pot and start filling it up with that slow weak faucet. It felt like an eternity, cause she is there soon.

Its full, I try to spill the payload of my savior pot on to my shit in a quick waterfall so its effective. Nothing. Both happy turds still floating.

Now the sweat kicks in. I think two pots unloaded in quick succession might do. So I get another one, start filling them with the old slow faucet. At this point I realized how fucked I am since she could be unlocking the doors anytime and find me here running this huge shit flushing operation.

Anyways, eventually I fill the pots, I stack them up near the toilet and pour both as fast as I can. Progress achieved. One turd down. But one still having fun afloat.

I can't afford extra 3-4 mins to fill pots again and it may not work. At this point, I already had enough time to ponder the worst solution. In complete desperation, I fish out my toxic offspring, collect it with toilet paper, wrap it in it and proceed to balcony. Its 3rd floor and I see a little grassland at throwing distance, where it could blend in as innocent dogshit. I catapult my projectile. Mid air it looses its paper cover and with its all exposed beauty lands on the windshield of an old Toyota parked just by the grassland.

I only briefly reflected on the kind of terror I caused as I really needed to wash my hand fast and she came just few moments after

We had a fun evening, my dignity remained, but now in bed cant sleep peacefully knowing my shit is out there on someones toyota.

TL;DR: Stayed at a girls place. Took a dump in her toilet while she was on the way. Couldn't flush it even with two pots. Threw the turd out of window to a grassland but it landed on car.

839

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

Eyes_and_teeth t1_jd5fhzk wrote

Of course it's gonna end up being her Toyota.

536

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd6o9im wrote

Its not hers, I know her car, but actually if it was hers, I would atleast be able to save my conscience and display my gentlemen manners by offering to remove the turd from the window.

We just woke up and she is getting prepared to drive me to airport. The shit is still there I can see.

I decided I will just payoff this karma debt in different ways as claning a 'random' poop from a strangers car in front of her is kind of sus.

315

Retrac752 t1_jd6whvi wrote

God, imagine if u did clean it up off the car in front of her, shed wonder "what the fuck, why" for the rest of her life, because there is zero chance she puts together that u cleaned it up because it's yours, because you took a shit and couldn't flush it, panicked, and threw it out the window because you didn't want to ruin your vibes

216

ReliefOpening6793 t1_jd77fqz wrote

This is the second best poop story I've heard The third one is someone pooping in the toilet tank for revenge

43

QueenRemi t1_jd79t85 wrote

Is the first best the poop knife? I really thought this was gonna end with OP using a kitchen knife to send his poop down

30

ReliefOpening6793 t1_jd7am5f wrote

No it was a prostitute using my co workers car hood so she could shit in the street pulled her pants up and started yelling 20 dollars!

The poop knife thing made me want to vomit lol

12

Elder_Tig t1_jd86gjw wrote

I believed the poop knife story was completely made up.. Until I actually needed a poop knife. Was a rough day

3

ReliefOpening6793 t1_jda55ag wrote

I'm smashing it with the plunger or brush and throwing it out before I fuck up my knife set lol

2

Tyetus t1_jd7krqk wrote

that's when you point it out "bro, did someone literally shit on that persons car? what the hell!"

​

absolve yourself!

6

eric_tai t1_jd9u7hb wrote

Maayyyvbe you were Karma's instrument and there was reason for this car to receive poop. 😉🙏🏼

3

zoinkability t1_jd6jr9f wrote

In the romantic comedy it’s either her Toyota or her parents’

37

FarMap6136 t1_jd75iz9 wrote

It feels like this was written for Borat or Jason Biggs or an early Tom Hanks to be cast in this little romcom

7

reallyrelevanttothis t1_jd5ozzl wrote

Another problem that could have been solved with a poop knife.

217

rushi40 t1_jd71qr3 wrote

Fuck, I know this reference and I'm not proud of it.

9

Nox_Dei t1_jd7f24r wrote

I'm too afraid to ask...

2

Sethvl t1_jd8uft2 wrote

No need to ask buddy, here you go

3

Nox_Dei t1_jd997hu wrote

Thank you for sharing this with me.

Truly one of the reddit moments of all time.

2

JedyKnight t1_jd5j6q2 wrote

Legend tells that the Toyota owner is still seen roaming around looking at the sky searching for that Giant seagull...

193

PissdrunxPreme t1_jd61gm7 wrote

I read Kansas City at first and then was like WTF, why is there Soviet buildings in KC?

103

bmccooley t1_jd7b7fk wrote

Same. But, by the time I got to "make shit," I figured we weren't in Kansas anymore.

33

sakuratee t1_jd6umfk wrote

Same. I was like “damn is he talking about KC Kansas or KC Missouri?” I’ve been to KC, MO. And it wasn’t that bad lol

17

nynyprincess24 t1_jd6vlqz wrote

i live in KCMO and sometimes it is that bad. only in certain parts though 😂

6

haha_squirrel t1_jd7yekr wrote

I read Kansas City too but just assumed Soviet referred to some sort of architecture I was unfamiliar with😂

6

OkVolume1 t1_jd5fmac wrote

Look, daddy, it's a Toyota Turdra.

76

ut3jaw t1_jd5mpo7 wrote

"In Russia, we don't flush toilet, we hurl turds out the window. "

76

LC_Anderton t1_jd6vn5l wrote

In Russia the turd hurls you… 😏

(Allegedly)

14

txberafl t1_jd8prp1 wrote

Ah, have we circled back to defenestration?

5

THphantom7297 t1_jd77qno wrote

Man why doesn't anyone do the normal, basic human thing in this scenario, and go "hey, so this is a bit embaressing, but do you have any tips with your toilet? its not flushing and i did have to use it..."

talking solves a lotta issues, everyones adults, we're not here like "girls don't poop thats weird"

25

FG88_NR t1_jd81s7z wrote

Right? Like clearly, this lady took a shit before and would know how to make her own toilet flush. I can't imagine going through this and concluding that picking up my own shit and toss it out the window is somehow better than asking how to get the toilet to flush properly...

16

SmugCapybara t1_jda48va wrote

My guess would be that if you're about to get it on with a person you don't know that well, maybe you don't want to open with a turd-related question. Might kill the mood...

3

bwoah07_gp2 t1_jdhad96 wrote

The brain goes into override and normality ceases to exist. 😅

1

FeelingFloor2083 t1_jd686ll wrote

lol next time flush half way or something

18

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd6pfl5 wrote

Hmm, I didnt think about it, but I suspect the problem was that the bowl size was so large compared to the flushing power. The load wasnt even that big.

But maybe a good tip to remember

14

FeelingFloor2083 t1_jd6r7g5 wrote

hmm, even if pressure is low a toilet should flush properly unless there is a calcium/lime build up

the pot trick should have worked but maybe you needed more water to find the right flow, usually a 9L bucket will do

3

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd6rjzf wrote

The pot was pretty the biggest I could find but maybe 3-4l. The second pot was even smaller.

I think a part of the problem was the rusty and stuck flush button. I pushes in a clunky way so the water is released in sort of smaller chunks

Maybe it could have done bette by looking for even bigger pot, but its over now.

7

chuchofreeman t1_jd77hsd wrote

next time open the water tank and pull up the "seal" thingy manually, that way the water comes down with full force, or was it one of those toilets with the water tank near the ceiling?

7

Cyber-Freak t1_jd70cof wrote

I have an idea that it has to do with the chain in the tank.

And the other that the bowl needs to get unclogged.

At least now you might be better prepared if you ever go back.

3

FarMap6136 t1_jd769x2 wrote

I’ve learned to flush beforehand to make sure Soviet style toilets flush for Chrissakes.

6

Immeasurable51 t1_jd6ktnd wrote

That’s the first thing I thought, as soon as OP said they knew the plumbing was bad, but they realllly had to go. It’s super obvious that you’d need to “flush as you go” in that kind of situation.

I could understand this being a problem in the US, where you’d have been expecting the toilet to work the same as every other (majority) toilet, and then unexpectedly discover an issue with the plumbing…but he KNEW the plumbing was bad before he dropped a half dozen kids at the pool??

Something smells off about this story.

4

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd6purd wrote

I dont want to sit on kid the whole evening and night. Imagine if I had to do it in the later when she is back or in the morning and ran into the same problem.

6

hanap8127 t1_jd6bbvr wrote

What do the owners of these toilets that never flush do?

9

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd6pyc4 wrote

I need a way to ask this smoothly. I am very curious too.

15

JedyKnight t1_jd72wgz wrote

I kinda have a division with a toilet like that. There is a tactic... U make the turd a bed of paper, increasing the pressure area the water hits and usually it works l.

8

trite_post t1_jd6bjdd wrote

Now we know why Toyota names their cars TRD

9

NoraGrooGroo t1_jd5gcs7 wrote

You’ve heard of the Toy-boat-a, now get ready for the Toy-floater

8

hattyhat24 t1_jd6fl4z wrote

The owner of that car is gonna be like, what in the hell did that bird eat?

8

Backpayne80 t1_jd6e6d5 wrote

Toyota owner: Holy hell! What kind of bird dropped this duece!

7

dekabreak1000 t1_jd7f5o2 wrote

This is just comedy fucking gold I haven’t enjoyed a laugh like this in some time take my upvote

7

SadgeKEK t1_jd62cbx wrote

This sounds like a dumb and dumber bit.

5

archlich t1_jd68ypt wrote

Add toilet paper to the top to give it more surface area

5

Ucitymetal t1_jd6kohi wrote

You gotta have a lot of water to make it work well like a mop bucket full of water, i sadly know from experience.

4

dewayneestes t1_jd7hs3u wrote

I felt every second of this drama in my gut.

We are a little older and my wife decided we needed to replace our toilets with a nicer but frankly ridiculously expensive new toilets. I don’t think I have ever experienced such a powerful and instantaneous lifestyle upgrade.

Our water usage dropped by almost 2/3. I knew the old ones were leaky but wow that is a LOT of water.

And more importantly, these babies have never clogged or flushed incompletely. I feel like they could eat a litter of kittens in one flush, truly amazing.

We also drive a Toyota and I’d never considered the dangers there… glad we upgraded.

4

bwoah07_gp2 t1_jdhal2m wrote

Is it one of those toilets with 2 buttons and a deep bowl? I like those ones; very powerful, efficient, and doesn't splash.

1

Icy_Engine_7648 t1_jd6rbkf wrote

Dude that is messed up. Leave that Toyota alone

3

Spiegs1984 t1_jd8k241 wrote

I pictured the slow unraveling of the turd mid air with opera music in the background 😂

3

lionheartcz t1_jd8xs82 wrote

>Some shit go down but two big turds still chilling above sea level

the slightly broken English is incredible. chilling above sea level. that's fantastic.

3

reevelainen t1_jd6zqzb wrote

You were very lucky. I know a lady who rejected a guy who went in her toilet and made a shit. Some ladies are very tense about pooping men.

2

onkus t1_jd7eu2g wrote

I love ESL sometimes. “Urge to make shit”. Makes me rethink how I could communicate with my fellow humans on a level which resonates with everyone.

2

Ninjaxas OP t1_jd7fijd wrote

Haha I actually heard it from a ukrainian friend, and I though it was kinda funny.

2

Hairy_Nectarine_687 t1_jd7hed2 wrote

/r/Lithuania please let them know. Maybe someone found your gift

2

EaseConsistent7016 t1_jd8h5bf wrote

OP, I fucking loved this story. Thanks a lot for sharing. Also, the wordings used were excellent, it made the story 10 times better.

2

andyr072 t1_jd8wh89 wrote

And this is why you need a poopknife. Cutting your turds onto smaller pieces might have allowed it to weak flush to handle it.

2

snowboard7621 t1_jd8z9xv wrote

You should be friends with the dude who tried to throw a steak out the window.

2

PaschalisG16 t1_jdcces2 wrote

Alright that was funny but also completely made up.

2

Tyetus t1_jd7knz8 wrote

forget the poopknife?

1

WhatCanIBeOn t1_jd7lck8 wrote

Next time do it in the trash can….then take it out.

1

mr_dbini t1_jd7ui1j wrote

Kaunas is a nice place, I visited for the first time last year. thank you for sharing your TIFU - it made me laugh out loud. i hope the rest of your visit goes as smoothly.

1

bwoah07_gp2 t1_jdhapka wrote

Hopefully the rest of his toilet breaks go smoothly too.

1

cantareSF t1_jd8d0hf wrote

Relax. "Fell out the window" is the way most important shit gets handled in the Russian sphere of influence these days...

1

Juraki t1_jd8nd6w wrote

I pictured the throw like a track and field event I like to now call “Shit put”.

1

bakanisan t1_jd9e2wg wrote

When you're dropping nukes, better flush that shit (heh) right when it hits the water. Don't wait till the end to flush. Remember, flush as you go.

1

bwoah07_gp2 t1_jdhab5r wrote

Desperate times call for desperate actions. 😅

1