I edited my original comment to add more.

On the topic of suicide I don't plan to go yet because of a handful of people in my life but I feel often like I am suffering for them for no reason but wil not say something like that to them or make them a burden. I just have those thoughts. Some days I just don't want to be alive.

I do have good days sometimes though. I have made some friends homeless that I treat better than myself and I like seeing them every day and it has become a part of my routine to go see them nearly every day which helps a lot because I self isolate a lot. I actually really liked the winter because of how empty everything was and the sort of privacy it gave me. Which again I hope I get an apartment soon 😅 I'd love to just be able to lay down on a floor or something and not look like a weirdo