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Fthat_ManaBar t1_jdi2z1k wrote

Reply to comment by breakeven_not in Individuals with secure emotional attachment are more likely to forgive and to be forgiven, study finds by chrisdh79

I forgive but I don't forget. Trust restarts at zero and caps out at less than 100%. Once a person betrays me even if it doesn't happen again my trust in them is never 100% again. I'm admittedly a bit of a cynic though. While I believe that people can change I also believe the overwhelming majority rarely do. Most people that say they've changed only changed their behavior but didn't actually address whatever led them to screw up in the first place. Changes in behavior are temporary and will revert given enough time.

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SlowMope t1_jdift9h wrote

I'm gonna be honest. Both of you sound like you need some decent therapy.

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candidateforhumanity t1_jdj7w0h wrote

what makes you say that?

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SlowMope t1_jdjbovz wrote

You can't quantify trust like that. It's more nuanced and it isn't healthy to view relationships with others as so hardline, it will harm your friends and family for no benefit and can result in a self fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. They can tell you don't trust them, so they can't trust you, so you can't trust them....

Additionally, you need a basic level of trust in society or you have driven straight to paranoia town.

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groundchutney t1_jdjtv80 wrote

I think expressing trust as a percentage like that is more to get the point across than some sort of internal metric the person keeps track of. Boils down to "if you burn me, we can still be friends but i will keep my gaurd up" which seems pretty reasonable. You don't trust everyone equally to begin with (or shouldn't anyway.)

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SlowMope t1_jdjx80w wrote

Eh, to me it read as a very hardline stance. Who knows with the internet.

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GMarius- t1_jdkkbxk wrote

I believe the two individuals above were talking about truly broken trust. Not their friend ate part of your share of the popcorn at the movies. Like your gf/ bf cheats on you. Would you ever trust them again? Probably not.

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PirataFlamboyante t1_jdmjcgt wrote

Agreed. It's their prerogative to have this mindset but i wouldn't necessarily endorse it. I think that not forgetting someone's transgression, letting it creep always in the back of your mind when building/rebuilding a relationship with them, kind of ruins the purpose of forgiveness. Don't mistake my words, i'm not saying you shouldn't build and enforce boundaries, and take measures if broken, but setting something for failure beforehand, it's as the previous redditor pointed out quite a clear example of self-fulfilling prophecy.

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breakeven_not t1_jdi6i8l wrote

You are right, but sometimes people do understand their mistake, and are torturing themselves over it. This is especially true about people with self-esteem issues that tend to be their own most unforgiving critic.

How do I know? Personal experience. I've taken myself out of some people lives because even if they seem to have forgiven me, I could not forgive myself and truly believed their life was better without me and that I did not deserve them. Looking back, it was not bad and I was only human and thus fallible.

There are some things in this life that are unforgivable, but for smaller things, that were not intentional, or were caused by misunderstandings, I think we should try to forgive, especially when the person proves they understood their mistake and are willing to work towards never repeating it. Otherwise.. we'll just be a society of lonely bitter people.

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Fthat_ManaBar t1_jdil4yt wrote

I believe that some people do change and I did acknowledge that. I just don't think most people do. It takes a lot of introspection when you mess up to establish why something happened, address the root of the issue, and correct it so it doesn't happen again. People who can do that are capable of changing and often care enough to change. I've had people in my life who royally messed up, acknowledged it, and did the work to make sure it doesn't happen again. I know they beat themselves up about it, I know the are legitimately sorry for it, and I don't doubt that it probably eats at them when they think about it. Those people are capable of change and they do learn from their mistake and grow from it. I've also had people in my life that make a mistake and might apologize for it in the moment but when the circumstances align again for the mistake to repeat itself it happens again. Those people didn't change and likely wont. I've encountered more people who don't change than I have people that do. All I can speak to is my own personal experiences.

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UnionOfSexWorkers t1_jdlly1g wrote

Ignore the idiots replying to you. This is one of the best takes on the matter I have seen in history.

When trust is broken aand a person comes back to you asking for forgiveness very quickly after breaking that trust clearly the person has not made any substantial changees in who they are as a person. Therefore we have to always keep our guard up...until the person has demonstrated over years, YES YEARS, that they have made this substantial change. That person will probably revert back to that dickheaded behaviour within 3 or 4 weeks, just give it some time.

If the person never does that dickheaded thing again in like 3 or 4 YEARS!? Well then congratulations! You've met someone who actually gives a damn about self-reflection and about you!

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Fthat_ManaBar t1_jdn5xb3 wrote

Exactly. Time is the best indicator for whether or not a person actually changed. A charade only lasts for so long. The amount of love you have for the person will be what determines whether or not you stick around long enough to see if they change or not. It's what determines whether or not to give a second chance. Some deserve it some don't.

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