I hooked up with a man named Jon two years ago while I was in a committed open relationship. We hit it off and continued to see each other casually about once a month over the following two years. My primary relationship ended 6 months ago, during which time Jon and I began to spend a lot more time together and deepen our connection. We love each other, and we have intention of seeing if we can become life partners. I have recently had the opportunity to meet his family, all of whom are lovely, welcoming people.

I have also recently met his circle of friends, three couples plus Jon. They are very tight-knit. They have attended burning man together, and regularly get away to cabins where they do molly and bond with each other. Needless to say, it is an intimidating group to try to break into. The first time I met them, one of the women, Ella, who is recently married, was hostile towards me, particularly when Jon was not within earshot. Her behavior included interrogating me about why I chose to move closer to where Jon lives, casting judgmental looks towards my waistline, showing Jon photos of a sex worker and trying to coax him to say how hot she was, all the while glancing up at me with a smirk. She also constantly wanted to discuss the groups’ plans to travel to a cabin the following weekend, which I was not invited to. When others would try to politely change the subject, she would find a way to bring it back up.

I left the evening feeling confused and insecure, which Jon and I talked about at length. He told me that they do have a close and intimate friendship, but that it had not ever been romantic or sexual. He believed my account of the evening, but felt confused, so he decided to ask Ella about it. She denied all of it. I have since learned that Ella's marriage is in trouble, which increases my unease over her territorial behavior with Jon.

Fast-forward three months. I am invited to attend a joint birthday celebration for Jon and Ella, again at a cabin with a plan to do molly together.

In preparation for this, Jon asked if I would be willing to try to re-connect with Ella, on the chance that my first bad impression was a misunderstanding. Out of a desire to please Jon, I agreed to host a dinner in my home just for him, Ella and her husband.

The dinner went as badly as the first visit. Ella again spent a good deal of time discussing their friend groups’ upcoming travel plans, which I am not invited to. At one point she fed Jon food out of her hand while smirking at me. The most uncomfortable moment was when she announced to the table her memory of their friend group almost having an orgy before someone put an end to it. I was shocked by this. We sat in silence until I excused myself to clean dishes. Ella’s husband, on the other hand, went out of his way to be kind and get to know me throughout the evening, at one point seemingly apologizing for her behavior.

This time, at least, Jon witnessed her hostility towards me. After they left, he denied any incident of a near-orgy with their friend group, and again expressed confusion about her behavior. He told me that this has not happened between Ella and any of his previous girlfriends. I think he is being naive about her attachment to him.

I’m perplexed about the situation I find myself in. I love Jon, and neither of us want to me be driven away by Ella. I have no desire to do drugs with this woman, but I also don’t want to miss out on important events in Jon’s life, such as this upcoming birthday trip. This experience recalls for me the petty drama of middle school, and I don’t want to stoop to her level. How do I draw boundaries without cutting myself out of Jon’s life? Any advice would be helpful!