So we’ve been together for 5yrs. Sometimes he can be passive aggressive with his replies when we get into disagreements and he’ll deny it. So for backstory, I started work for this singapore firm that requires me to work 55 hours per week. And it has slowly sucked the joy and life out of me. By January this year I was really burnt out and really want to escape.

So to ease my feelings I planned a beach trip for myself that’s just 1hr drive from me. I invited him if he wanted to come too since it’s also close to him and he doesn’t have any plans but I made it clear that I planned this for myself and would still go with or without him. And he wanted to go so I inquired to resorts and booked everything while still accommodating his preference. I paid for the whole thing and he said he’ll pay for it the day of.

I only got 3 days of vacation leave and he has 5 days. I planned the trip within my 3 days off.

Now 2 weeks before the trip he brings the issue that he doesn’t have a car to use the day of the trip. He was supposed to pick me up because i’m otw to the beach as it’s the logical way. He’s 1 hr away from me and he’s 2 hrs away from the beach.

Now here’s were all the shit happened. He asked me if I can go get him from their place and I said no. Because that would require me to be on the road for 3 hrs going to the beach just to get him and another 3 hrs to drop him off after the trip. And tbh that’s so fucking tiring for me. When I could be at the beach just 1 hr away. That’s the whole reason I planned the trip there. I gave him alternatives and he said none of them are good options so he kept pushing me to just go get him and I kept saying no. And then he pulled this shit to me that he only asks me this ONE FAVOR and I couldn’t do it for him. And I wanted to bitch slap him because I put up with so many favors from him and I do it because I don’t see it as like give and take thing. I just do it cuz that’s what couples do. I told him that and I also said that this trip wasn’t about us. It’s about my escape from me selling my soul to my work and I just want this 3 days off to go as smoothly as possible. To maximize my time at the beach. Even tho I already said no, he would still bring it up the next day. So today when I woke up and the first message I saw from him is AGAIN asking if I could go get him. I got pissed and told him everything I just said. And he was like “I pick you up and drop you off all the time”. But this one time he’s asking me to do this for him, I won’t. But he hasn’t been doing that lately tho. He haven’t done that since 3 yrs ago and I understand because circumstances changed. It’s funny because I used to always go to his place. Drive to his place. When I felt that I was already giving too much of my time and effort to him, I just told him and then he started coming to me instead.

When I told him that I planned this trip for myself and I didn’t want to spend 6 hours on the road. He just finally said “okay, you just don’t want to. I get it. I’ll just figure out something.” I got pissed because it’s such a passive aggressive reply for me and I got so pissed because he had the audacity to pester me the whole week to go get him even tho I said no. And he fucking didn’t lift a finger to plan this trip. I did. I did everything and all the payment. He just had to fucking show up. And he had the audacity to make it look like i’m not doing shit for him?

How do I not sound selfish when I try to put myself first? To protect my mental health?

Comments

UsuallyWrite2 t1_jeg16g5 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:13 PM

He said he’d figure it out. How is that passive aggressive?

You made your stance clear. He needs to organize his own transportation. He has now said he will.

Take your trip and relax! You deserve it! Adding several hours of driving wouldn’t appeal to me either. That doesn’t make you a jerk.

Frequent_Lychee1228 t1_jeg1omo wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:17 PM

Selfish to a certain level is normal. You are in individual with your own life and things like self care and self love are very healthy and ok boundary to be selfish in. Selfish that is toxic and crossing boundaries is more what bf is showing. Dependent and expecting others to clean up one's own messes and issues like it is their entitlement. That is the line of selfishness that would be unhealthy. So I won't call what you are doing is really selfish to that point. It is reasonable and it is great you are standing up for yourself and having high self respect. You are doing the right thing to priotize your mental health and peace. The problem is more of a them problem than a you problem so don't get gaslit or gaslight yourself. But it might be a sign of some yellow flags that could be borderline red. The lack of consideration and selfishness in their actions and behavior is a concern. Thats not very viable to maintaining a relationship and it might lead to ruin.

MadamKitsune t1_jeg9fgd wrote on March 31, 2023 at 8:08 PM

Take the trip without him. Spend three days looking after yourself and examining the relationship as a whole. At the end of it all ask yourself if you are looking forward to seeing him again and going back to how things are between you. Anything other than a definite yes means its time to call it quits.

Relationships can't be 'sunshine and roses around the door' all the time but the overall general vibe should be happy and fulfilled, not frustrated and drained, which sounds liike where you are. It's very possible that you've simply outgrown him and a break might be just the clarity you need to accept that.