I'm [35F] ready for divorce but husband [39M] has zero support system and I am close to certain he will kill himself

Submitted by inspiredraven t3_11en8qn in relationship_advice

I've been with my husband for 12 years. The past three years have been absolute shit. He quit his job due to his depression over three years ago and it has just been a spiral of him hating himself but doing nothing to improve. He has tried therapy twice and quits before really giving it a chance. He's been on antidepressants for over a year, they obviously aren't really doing anything for him but he doesn't want to even try anything new. I have to walk on eggshells for fear of setting off his anger. He cannot take criticism whatsoever without breaking down into a depressive hole for a week+ if I try and talk to him about any problem in our relationship. Its excuse after excuse why he can't find a job.

The only thing keeping me here is that I am 99% certain that he will kill himself if I leave. He cut his family out of his life before we even started dating, and he has abandoned all of his friendships over the past three years. He's quick to anger and gives up on people the moment he feels like they've slighted him at all. He says "I'm picky with who I choose to call a friend" which equals to him having no friends. I am literally the only person that supports him. He has never threatened suicide, its just his past behavior and seeing where he is mentally. We separated once in 2017, lived apart for 6 months, and I found a suicide note he wrote when we repaired things and were cleaning out the room he was renting. (I don't think he left it for me to find, I admit I snooped a bit to find it) I just know it in my heart that he will kill himself if I leave because I am the only thing I think he thinks is going well in his life.

I'm lost. I hate my life. I don't even truly want to leave him, I just want him to get better mentally. But I don't see how our life will get better. I've tried everything I can think of over the past three years to no avail. We did couples therapy for 6 months but ended when it was obvious it wasn't a problem with the relationship, it was my husband's depression that he needed to treat individually. I see no other options other than accepting this is my life, or leaving him and accepting that he will end his own life. Any advice?

98

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

derangermouse t1_jaf0u3y wrote

You’re not responsible, on any level, for what he does after the theoretical breakup. You may feel guilty, but it’s unfounded. I have been in therapy for 20 years, I have severe depression, anxiety, and I also take medication for ADHD.

If he doesn’t want to do the work, something about his status quo has to change. Unfortunately it might be losing you that is finally the catalyst he needs to improve. He wants to be a stubborn man, that’s on him.

178

inspiredraven OP t1_jaf14na wrote

It's hard to shake feeling responsible when if he does end up killing himself, I would know that he wouldn't have done it if I had stayed with him. I'm not sure how to move past that.

36

derangermouse t1_jaf1a62 wrote

You can either be his martyr, or you can be happy. He’s the asshole in the scenario.

23

nightowl2023 t1_jaf0m9e wrote

It sounds more like you have come up with a reason to keep yourself in this relationship. What he does or does not do is actually outside of your control. If you divorce him and then he decides to take his own life that's his decision not yours.

116

ContentedRecluse t1_jaf4fd5 wrote

You shouldn't sacrifice your life and happiness for someone else. Right now, you are enabling him to wallow in his misery, if you weren't there for him, maybe he would be forced to make some changes, or maybe not. You can only control your actions; you can't control his. Leave him and find your own happiness. If you feel compelled to do so you can still check up on him to see how he is doing and encourage him to make some changes.

He is a grown man and is responsible for his own well being. You can't force him to get help or do anything else. He has to choose his own way forward. You suffering alongside him isn't helping him. You don't have the power to make him well, nor are you responsible for his depression. He has to choose to get help. You need to move on.

21

HHIOTF t1_jaf4s5f wrote

I'm going to sound heartless, but what he does is on him, not you. It's not your problem. He has created a black hole for himself by not even trying to get better. You can't fix him or help him at this point.

Save yourself and get out of this relationship. Can you really spend another day in this hell? Can you imagine how free you will feel without his abuse? Please leave.

Also, there is a fine line between suicide and murder. Violence is violence and you are in danger.

7

AutoModerator t1_jaeyyvz wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1