I sighed, my back aching in protest as I got up, my leather black wings stretching themselves as much as they could before I plopped back down. Talons curving around the telephone, I wondered why I'd signed up for this job.

"Hello, welcome to Hell's Soul Complaints department. How may I help you?" I chirped. It isn't easy, you know? 666 times per day people storm into my office, hurling insults and demanding I check the registry. How could they be in Hell? They were so pure and so utterly good.

Well, they weren't. Sorry buddy, but registries don't lie...most of the time. I'm pretty sure some guy filed a lawsuit a few years back over being sent to Hell in place of his twin brother, who shared the exact same genetics, mental state, and soul taste.

The demon in charge of that little debacle got a huge, public spewing-out by Michael or something, but what do those goody two-wings know?

Oh, right, back to the story.

I realized the person on the other end hadn't said anything yet, which annoyed me. I wondered if it was some kind of prank-call, then I realized I'd set the telephone on mute by accident (don't ask me how. I do not know).

It'd felt good while it lasted.

"Uh, hello?" the voice on the phone said, apparently for the third time. My heart sank when I heard that voice. So lost, alone, and utterly broken. Like a whole orchestra of dissonant chords, it broke me faster than anything could. I felt the tears beginning to build, but I steeled my nerves.

"Karen, I'm well aware of your situation, believe me. I know it's been a few years, but I promise you, we're still searching for Parry the Parrot. Don't worry, okay? The angels are still on the lookout for him in heaven."

Yes, I rehearsed for this. I knew she'd come back for me one day. I knew it.

"Um-"

I kept talking.

"We know you're upset. Many people come here wondering where their animals are. They are often lost, scared, and confused when they first arrive, and as such angels often take pity on them. He's still soaring out there in heaven somewhere, but I promise you, we will return him to hell by your side."

"Hey-" the voice began, but I interrupted her again.

"There, there," I said in a soothing voice, "there's no need to cry. Your pet will suffer with you once more, I swear on the river Styx. We will find him Karen-"

"Okay, who's Karen?!" the voice shouted, clearly annoyed. I realized my mistake.

"I-"

I have never wanted to disappear before. Sounds boring. But right then, I would've given anything for the treacherous caverns of hell to swallow me whole. Even if the brimstone air conditioners aren't as hot as normal.

"My name's Wanda," the voice said, "and I'm calling you from Paradise. There's been a mix-up, I think."

My brows furrowed. A mix-up?

"Uh, yeah, sorry but those really don't happen-"

"You literally just said a parrot had a mix-up with heaven-"

"And you believed me?" I asked. An awkward silence hung in the air for a good few seconds after I said that. Oh, and yeah, just so you know, animals don't go to hell. When they die, they go straight to Paradise. Yeah, sad, I know. Poor Karen.

"Fair enough," the voice relented. "But I need to go to Hell, okay? I was a witch and stuff, so why am I here?"

I exhaled calmly. Just a curious soul. Nothing bad. They just wanted answers. I respected that.

"Well, that was a sin before the Angelic Wars, but not anymore. Don't worry, this isn't some sneak preview of Paradise you'll get before being dragged down to Hell. If you're up there, that's permanent. So don't worry your little head. Just get in the hot tub and enjoy how your afterlife turned out! I hear the scones are pretty good too."

I prepared to hang up.

"No! I-I need to go to Hell, please," the voice pleaded, an urgency in its tone. I stared at the phone in shock. Now, I've gotten weird calls before. Normally it's drunk prank calls from heaven, or a necromancer trying to make contact (I swear, there is literally no point in having an oracle around. It was supposed to be able to take any calls from the earth, but apparently, it's just an office decoration. I'm pretty sure most of us have forgotten it exists).

But a soul in Paradise asking to be rerouted to Hell isn't something any demon can really brag about.

"I'm sorry...what?" was the first thing I said after that.

"I need to go to Hell. It's personal. Please," the voice begged once more. "Just for a few seconds."

"No."

"W-what?"

"I can't send you to Hell darling. I'm a low-rank demon being paid minimum wage. I haven't even seen Heaven, let alone possessed the power to open a portal all the way up there. Sorry, but-"

"What's your name?" the voice demanded. I blinked.

"Um."

"Um? Okay, Um," the voice sneered, "you won't send me to Hell? I'll bring Hell to you, just you wait-"

I hung up after that.