You would think that with there being literal superheroes people wouldn’t literally rob a bank. Of course, with a gun in my face I must agree with Einstein stupidity is infinite. “On the ground!” The burly masked man shouts, an uzi in my face. I frown, “how did you get an uzi into Boston?“ I ask, ignoring him. This actually gives the guy pause, “we bought it” I shrug, “huh, might want to squeal on your seller, it’ll shorten your sentence if you play your cards right.” I offer, the free advice never hurt anyone.

the man throws back his head and laughs, giving me just enough time to take of my sunglasses. The robber looks at me and catches my gaze. The uzi drops with a clatter as the man becomes limp, tears welling up in his eyes. “Mom?” He whispers. Sinking to his knees the masked criminal weeps, I lower my head to maintain eye contact until his knees hit the floor. “Here’s my dad’s card, trust me when I say you’ll need it.” I advise, slipping my dad’s business card into his pocket.

he can’t hear me mind you, trapped in a mindscape of raw despair. Eyes of the Void, is the official name for my ability. Meeting my eyes, even a glance and overwhelming despair, usually paired up with hallucinations, will fill your mind and soul. The only one I’ve ever met able to resist my gaze was the hero Indomitable, his will is insane, and the villain Technodrone, he’s a robot so…

the other two idiots haven’t even noticed, one guarding the hostages, the other badgering the teller. I move to the hostages, avoiding looking at them directly by looking just above the robber’s head, as long as they’re outside my peripheral they’re safe. Then the guy turns, his face well with ing my peripheral vision. “No…” he chokes, “I didn’t… i’m sorry I didn’t!” Great a screamer. I walk over, cupping my hands around my eyes to limit my AOE. I get in the screaming man’s face. “Shut. Up.” I order, it’s amazing what despair does for someone’s respect for authority.

He shuts up but not before I hear a gun shot. Great, the screaming idiot alerted his friend. Luckily they seem to have never shot a gun before because this clown misses me, his buddy, the hostages, and literally anything as the recoil throws the gun to the ceiling, peppering the plaster with holes. I turn and wince, the teller got caught up in all this, tears streaming down her face.

I block her out with my hand, stopping the accidental attack before any long-term therapy is needed, trigger-happy on the other hand gets a full dose. In a second the man is curled up and weeping on the ground. I take the sunglasses out of my pocket and put them back on, pulling out my hero license, “Apologies everyone, I’m the hero Misery, please remain calm and exit the building in an orderly fashion.”

Naturally everyone runs out screaming. Thankfully the cops arrive, or not. “Hands on the ground!” I sigh, complying as the familiar feeling of cuffs wrap around my wrists. I remain silent until one cop with half a brain picks up my discarded hero license and they pass it around. All in all it was only 3 minutes of irritation but still.

There was a lot of red tape, statements giving, witnesses questioned, apologies to poor teller staff made. I finally withdrew my funds, I was at the bank for a reason, and went on my way. I had a party planned this weekend but as I would no doubt be required to talk with one PR manager or another that was out. I grumble, I had wanted to be a hero all my life, and the ability to shut down a room of hostiles is so useful but noooo, people keep pegging me a villain and it feels like shit!

”hey,” I hear a voice in the alley next to me, “Misery right?” I sigh, “No.” “Eh?” I walk away, “wait. I have a proposition for you.” I sigh, switching on the camera on my phone, speaking of villains. I turn and walk into the alley, “what?” I ask, very much done with today. “You seemed to get a lot of shit from the cops, pretty crappy the way you were treated.” The man in the weather inappropriate trench coat said, a bad attempt at sympathy, “point, or I’m leaving.”

“Why not switch sides?” He said, “Villainy is very lucrative and we sell just as much merch as heroes, without all the moral quandary!” I frown, “So you’re trying to bribe me?” I ask, the man laughs and steps forward. Oh, that’s a surprise. “No” Superhead said, a genius villain who knows damn well his name is an innuendo. “I’m trying to recruit you.” I just stare at him from behind my sunglasses. This guy had so many open warrants for his arrest, he has to be a royal idiot savant to be out here.

”ok, two things.” I say, shaking my head, “first, if you’re going up against a guy you know needs eye contact to use his power, wear glasses or something.” I rip off my shades, “and second, I work damn hard at being a hero because I care about doing the right thing with the shit deal I got.” I lean in to the frozen so called genius, “not fucking action figures.” I grab him by the collar and maintain eye contact as I drag him to the nearest police cruiser.

as I replace my shades, I watch a sobbing Superhead get shoved into the backseat. Yep, stupid is infinite, and fucking contagious.