LuanTheKbush t1_itwra2o wrote
After a long battle with the demon king, the hero emerges victorious. And in glory of coming back alive, the hero and his party comes back to town, but the hero brings something up. “Uuh, where is Luka?” He asks. “Who?” Maria the cleric questions his strange question, a question square you might say, but it’s indeed strange, this name has never been mentioned before, surely something is wrong. “Luka, my best friend” The hero adds to the name, speaking as it was the truth, but this lonely hero grew alone, on the streets, about to die in a cold winter until… wait… something is quite wrong. “Luka? What are you even talking about sir hero?” The elven mage, Tonatiel, barges in for the question, a question by the cube I might say, but this time is no time for little math jokes, something is stirring on the hero’s mind. “Luka, the one who salved me when I was little, our party’s tank, and Maria’s lover, where is he” Not even a trace of redness is on Maria’s face, if it was real, she would be mad red as she gets when they mention sir hero and her together, after all, the one she loves is the heroic Gabriel, not an unknown Luka. But for the hero thins just don’t add up “it’s as if you guys forgot about him”. But there was never a him, was there? Did the demon lord hit his head with that forsaken magic too hard? Wait a moment, it never hit him, did it? It just stopped midair, like a ghost was there, no, I’m sure that was no ghost, connecting the dots, even I myself, the goddess and narrator of this world, would understand that sir hero head is intact and that this 'Luka' folk was somewhere at sometime, but for some reason, only sir hero alone knows about this. Strange. “How could we forget about him if like we never met him, are you sure your head is alright?” Tonatiel speaks up. “No, I’m sure of it, I’m not mad, there is something wrong, I, I know it, I know someone that would certainly know it too!” He is talking about me isn’t he? The hero opens his skill window and uses [the voice of god], something quite of an google of this world only got for those who are chosen by me to use. “Goddess, do you know Luka?” [does not exist] is what I responded, you know, I’m trying to pierce together what this is all about now, breaking the narrator character for a moment, Luka simply ceased to exist from that fight, but there is something in Gabriel himself now that I look up close, a hole. As a reincarnation from a world full of energy but no magic, he is still unstable, but a hole this big was never there before, and now I think I get it. When this child died, in order to cease the pain from a unfair death caused by me (y’know the child energy levels where perfect for a hero, I needed to meddle in) I decided for myself to erase his existence all together from that world, I mean it’s the right thing, no Gabriel, no pain from his death, I still think I did a great job at that, didn’t I? Whatever, if this is the same thing, that bastardly demon lord used that hole to send Luka to Gabriel’s world in his last moments as a revenge, and erasing him in a reverse casting of my own, in theory only the demon lord would know what happened to Luka, but his souls got absorbed as energy to the hero who slayed it, so it seems that he still remembers it. This Luka guy has completely taken over the hero’s life in his old family, old school, his original parents, and he must be quite confused, not that I really care, but I don’t think I can send the hero back to his homeworld now can I? At least I will send him this consolation message so he quits sobbing like his mother did when he died by that comically large anvil I spawned on top of him. [Luka did exist, but now with your parents👍].
/ first writing prompt, did I do decent for first time? 🥺
ReadyDude3849 OP t1_itx50gm wrote
For your first story, this was great! This was exactly what I was hoping for when I wrote the prompt.
The text is definitely crammed, work on spacing lines out a bit so it’s easier to read.
LuanTheKbush t1_itx5b3n wrote
Thank you! Nice knowing I got the vibe you were imagining👌. I’ll try to space better on the next ones if I get the confidence to write 😉
LuanTheKbush t1_itwreyh wrote
Ok I guess this is a little too big And I guess I should’ve used more of these
Things, idk how you care these, line separation?
Alignon t1_itxg7ro wrote
Paragraphs. Your story is pretty solid, great job on that. What you’re missing is the formatting. You have some long sentences in there that could be split up for example.
Let me show you the difference with some slight changes:
After a long battle with the demon king, the hero emerges victorious. And in glory of coming back alive, the hero and his party comes back to town, but the hero brings something up. "Uuh, where is Luka?" He asks.
"Who?" Maria the cleric questions his strange question. A question square you might say, but it's indeed strange. This name has never been mentioned before, surely something is wrong.
"Luka, my best friend" The hero adds to the name, speaking as it was the truth. But this lonely hero grew alone, on the streets, about to die in a cold winter until... wait... something is quite wrong.
I added a few dots and made paragraphs as you can see. I would recommend making paragraphs whenever a different character comes in and does something.
If there’s no switching at all, keep your paragraphs at five lines long. For sentences, try to keep your max at two commas. These aren’t hard rules. You can do whatever you want, and sometimes they’ll be a bit longer than normal. That’s fine too.
This is just as a guideline, so I hope this helps you out :)
LuanTheKbush t1_itxgqti wrote
Thank you! I’ll use this comment for future ones. I also plan on overall at least write a long history myself, so I think this will really be of help for me✍️.
Alignon t1_itxhfh3 wrote
No problem! I hope you’ll keep writing some more writing prompts. Besides it being fun, it’s a great practice!
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