"HELP WANTED

Seeking mature, responsible unique individuals who are nocturnally-oriented.

I run a small business and am searching for strong, loyal, reliable workers. Please call 555-112-6660 after 9pm. Resumes may be submitted online or in person. Please add a page with personal "needs" highlighted so we can accommodate all situational eccentricities."

I turned towards my girlfriend. "I don't know honey, what do you think about this one?"

She laughed in my face. "Dude, read between the lines--it's PERFECT. Where's the store located?

I read on the backpage ad a bit further. "Oh! It says 'Multiple Locations Need Staffing'! Maybe there's one nearby?"

Amanda drifted up and looked over my shoulder. "Shit, dude, maybe we could both get hired! That could solve so many problems for us!" Her eyes welled up.

"I know, honey. I know. I'll start feeling this guy out, let me call him tonight."

"Baby--it's a full moon. You can't. Just shoot him a text or email and send your resume. Tell him you're out of town, or something. Get your foot in the door, ya know?"

I looked at Amanda. As usual, she was right. I stood up from the kitchen table and began locking the doors and closing the shutters. I was still young and occasionally got caught by surprise. "Can you manage the chains, darling?" I asked. Amanda lifted both hands up in an "I don't know" gesture.

"If you want to be 100% sure, do it yourself, dearest."

I kissed her on the nose and told her I'd see her in the morning. I headed down into the basement. I bolted the door behind me.

When I woke the next morning, Amanda was unusually chipper. She began to speed-talk. She does this when she's excited.

"So, remember that store? The one looking for "nocturnals"? Well, I kept thinking about it and while you were locked in the basement, I called the man! HE TOTALLY WANTS TO TALK TO US!!!!"

She jumped up and down in her excitement. "Victor, he sounds SO COOL!" He says he'll see you after 9, but as for me, you're talking to the Midnight Manager of Location 87!"

I hugged Amanda, as best as I could, anyway. "Congratulations, darling! I'm so happy for you! I'm so proud of you!!!"

She was ecstatic. I could see it in her eyes, and that night she floated up to the ceiling half a dozen times. She does that when she's happy. I was happy for her. I felt guilty she'd been trapped in this house for so many years, she needed to get out and get her own money and meet some friends.

"I can't wait to take you to your first night of work! Maybe we should go shopping? Get you a new outfit?"

"Victor, what's wrong with my outfit?"

"Nothing! Honey! Nothing! I'm sorry, I just thought....I mean....it's gorgeous! You're gorgeous.....I.........." I faded off.

I'm sure her clientele would love to see a Victorian bride while picking up their hotdogs and beer in the middle of the night.