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Remarkable-Youth-504 t1_jdgockd wrote

The galactic council was in a turmoil.

The galaxy, for the most part, was a peaceful place. No wars, no violence (except for the humans, of course), general pacifism and brotherhood.

All of which has come to a standstill today.

The nbuurhh, an expansive and racist species, has taken a seed world hostage. They were demanding to be left alone, else they would kill all life on the seed world.

The nbuurhh couldn’t be left precisely become they pulled off shit like this all the time. And the galactic council wasn’t sure that they wouldn’t genocide every living thing on the seed world anyways even if they council gave in and agreed to all their demands.

Military intervention was not an option. The nbuurhh would see it coming and detonate their RIP bombs that would turn the seed world into an asteroid field.

For the nth time that day, Yhij, the president of the the council, rued the day he had taken up his position.

“Is there no other way?”

“No Sir”, his aide responded.

Yhij let out a bubble, his equivalent of deep disappointment: “Fine. Send in Joe the American to negotiate.”

The Nbuurhh were expecting a negotiator, however, they had clearly not expected a human. A hushed silence reigned as the burly, bearded human descended from his craft.

“Howdy” he growled, handing off his Stetson to high-prince Jjughub, second in line to the throne, who had come to receive the diplomat. He then took out a cigar, cut it with a cutter, lit it up and took a deep drag before letting out a massive volume of smoke.

“Aah” said Joe, satisfied. A claxon went of nearby as all nbuurhh men , women and children scampered to put on their gas masks.

Joe waited, unfazed, occasionally dragging on his cigar. Once they were done putting their gas masks on he followed high-prince Jjughub into the negotiation chamber where the High-emperor welcomed him.

Inside the sophisticated negotiation chamber, tiny but precise instruments were measuring every single thing that the human did and reporting it to the Royal family. When Joe, after putting out his cigar, withdrew a hip flask from his jacket and took a large swig, First consort Ttryuul fainted. The instruments had just told her that the human was drinking ethanol, a known toxic chemical about 4 times more stronger than the industrial spirits used on the nbuurhh homeworld.

Joe continued to remain unfazed.

More if this gets a good response.

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Remarkable-Youth-504 t1_jdhc88o wrote

Part 2:

The meeting continued. Shortly into the meeting, Joe put his legs on the table. A few more nbuurhh fainted when the system identified that his shoes were made from the hide of a 18 foot long apex predator.

Joe remained nonchalant, reclining in his chair and occasionally taking sips of the ethanol in his flask.

The nbuurhh repeated their demands. Although this time, quite meekly.

When it was his turn to speak, the human sat up. His eyes were now quite red. For a moment, he collected his thoughts, then directly addressed the High-emperor: “Mister, sorry I forgot your name…”

The prime-minister was up in arms: “High-emperor Chzuu’rbb, and you will address his majesty by the right honorifics!!”

“The Chung-what now? Sorry too complicated, I’m just gonna call you Xander, Xan for short”

While the Nbuurhh were completely shocked into silence, the human continued:

“Look here, Xan my man, I honestly do not give a shit about what you do to the seed world. I do not care at all about what you do, and I give less than a shit about the Nbuurhh.”

“However, I am here to do a job, so I will do my job.”

“Here is what I offer: Nothing”

The nbuurhh in the room shuffled nervously. They couldn’t believe their ears, but they also didn’t know how to respond to the human.

“We offer you nothing.” reiterated the human, “you will withdraw from the seed world, submit to the galactic authority, and pay reparations for this affront.”

“Or, you can do none of that, do as you wish, and the human fleet will grind the entire star system of Nbuurhh to the dust.”

Here Joe paused for dramatic effect, took out a piece of chewing tobacco from his pouch, and bit into it. A few more of the Nbuurhh fainted.

Chewing on the tobacco, his voice now coming out in a deeper drawl, the human continued: “Do you know how many weapons we have in storage that are nearing expiry? Our war games and weapons testing don’t even put a dent in the stockpiles, and the galaxy’s avowed principle of pacifism means that the only time we get to use those beauties is when we have fuckers like you.”

Dropping his voice to a whisper, he continued: “Raytheon and Lockheed will probably pay me a trillion credits each if this negotiation falls through.”

Joe then brought his face very close to the high-emperor’s, as if he was letting them in on a secret: “Personally, I do hope we get to fight. I’ve always wondered what you guys taste like.” He then flashed a smile that could only be defined as predatory.

While the entire room reeled from the effect of processing what the human had said, Joe got up, and without a second thought, started walking out.

Just before walking out, Joe turned back, and said: “Xan, my man, do not take too long to make your decision, or the decision will be made for you. My offer of ‘Nothing’ stands only as long as I am in orbit around this planet.” He accentuated this by spitting out the chewed tobacco on the floor of the sacred negotiating chamber.

The nbuurhh delegation, still too shocked to respond, followed the human back to his starship. Just before boarding, the human turned back, sporting his predatory smile again, said: “I reaallly hope y’all don’t take up my offer”, and winked.

Then he was gone.

***************************************************^^

On stardate 107.467.77.08777, the Nbuurhh unconditionally removed their weapons of mass destruction, withdrew from the seed world, and submitted to the galactic authority for integration and judgement.

Their one request? No humans be allowed into their sector.

Far away in another corner of the galaxy, Urkignf was watching news of the Nbuurhh capitulation while brewing coffee.

She finished making the coffee, walked back to her cubicle and offered a cup to her colleague, who was extremely hungover.

Her colleague sipped the coffee and let a satisfied “Aah” out.

“Another one bites the dust. How many does this make it?”

“12 out of 12, I think.”

Urkignf waited until her friend finished his coffee (with many slurps), the continued: “Are you ever gonna let them know that your dad retired and moved back to Texas?”

“No, never” replied the human.

“So you are gonna continue to pretend to be “Joe the American?””

“Hey, I am Joe! Joe jr! And I’d have you know I am a full citizen of the United States of America, with voting rights and such!”

“Gotcha” said Urkignf and went back to her work.

Joe Bradbury, Jr. , continued observing her with interest for a few moments, before speaking up again:

“Hey Urkignf, how would you feel about going out to the new sgbyuf place this weekend for food and drinks, just you and me?”

Flashing his best smile, Joe continued: “In earth , we call this ‘a date’.”

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Ghostpard t1_jdi3enb wrote

Is this a Jojo's reference in the wild I see? (Jojo's bizarre adventure... series of people named JOJO goin through life... usually fighting Dio or his minions)

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Cyno_Mahamatra t1_jdjkpw7 wrote

I thought you were referring to that episode where an alien visits Earth and couldn’t see stands

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Ghostpard t1_jdk4e9s wrote

That fits... but a guy named Jo takin on his father Jo's legacy... essentially appearing to the aliens like a stand user would appear to a normie.

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Deaf_Bard t1_jdh65ob wrote

The cool kids over at r/humansarespaceorcs would like this prompt

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Blinauljap t1_jdh1zdm wrote

yeas, PLIZ! gimme moar of that, Joe will show them the true meaning of fear after inviting them to his barbeque^^

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