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ihitrockswithammers t1_itv08sr wrote

I started making sculptures in my early 20s. I'm now in my early 40s and pretty good at it.

The whole time, I was avoiding human contact cause I was really bad at making friends, let alone relationships. Now, at 41, I really understand the principle that you might as well start now even if you're bad and you know it's gonna take a long time. You're gonna be older anyway, and sooner than you think. Might as well use the time to build the foundations for a better future.

My stonecarving and clay modelling skills are the envy of some of my colleagues, but my social skills are so poor that I've been single for the whole of the last 20 years, and likely to stay that way. There's some kudos to being a gifted artist but if you're no fun to be around people will admire you from a distance and no more. Or seethe with envy, that also happens.

A bit of searching will tell you what you really should be focusing on.

Do that.

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screenlicker t1_itvc1kh wrote

dear friend,

i began to establish a good social life at age 40. there is hope for you yet.

best of luck.

p.s. feel free to dm me

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JediWebSurf t1_itwto7j wrote

Dear u/screenlicker,

I imagine you licking my screen from the other side while I'm typing this. I don't know if I want to imagine what else that tongue do. But I'm glad you have a good social life now.

Sincerely,

u/JediWebSurf

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Smarterthanlastweek t1_itv9vba wrote

> A bit of searching will tell you what you really should be focusing on. > > Do that.

People never do that.

For anyone interested: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

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ihitrockswithammers t1_itveqxk wrote

Interesting article, thanks.

Some do. It just takes many of us longer than we'd like. I careened down the path of making art because it was so productive, while the rest of my life collapsed around me. But eventually I started acknowledging the flashing warning lights and hit the brakes.

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Smarterthanlastweek t1_itvzrgv wrote

> Some do. It just takes many of us longer than we'd like.

yeah, granted. Letting young people know earlier in life I hope helps them stay on a smart path.

So much stuff that would make your life better from the start is common knowledge if we'd just listen, but now we're getting scientific evidence of it.

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ihitrockswithammers t1_itw1kyf wrote

I wish someone had been able to get through to me when I was young, but no-one did. But the more people you try to get through to, the more you put the right information out there the better the chance you will reach someone who needs it.

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Smarterthanlastweek t1_itw23f0 wrote

Exactly. Everything else gets spread around by social media, why not helpful information? Though as I said, almost no one will listen because we're normalizing bad and self-destructive behavior these days so why change?

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weaslewig t1_itw744j wrote

Really interesting. I'm at a point where I've been doing similar self reflecting and it's very scary to acknowledge the time that has passed without clear direction. But I also recognise I'm doing better than those who make it to retirement and then suddenly find themselves lost.

Going to take time to find the things I want to focus on, find the right balance, and better relationships and friendships is a huge part of that. I'm much more mindful of how I spend my time on earth.

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Smarterthanlastweek t1_itwnfli wrote

> I'm at a point where I've been doing similar self reflecting and it's very scary to acknowledge the time that has passed without clear direction.

A big part of that now is because we have to make decisions. For most of the 2 million years of human existence we evolved to live in, there wasn't much in the way of choices so you couldn't really make a wrong one.

>But I also recognise I'm doing better than those who make it to retirement and then suddenly find themselves lost.

A lot of your satisfaction in life will come from who you compare your life to: Compare yourself with someone who's doing much better (easy to do because those people are splashed all over social media, plus everyone else grooms their social personia to be as positive as possible, regardless of reality) and you'll feel deficient and bad about yourself, compare yourself to someone who's done worse / had it harder and you'll be more grateful for what you have, and feeling grateful they say is important to life satisfaction. People find themselves lost in retirement because they let their jobs be their purpose. Have more than that. That said, by the time you reach retirement, your productive years are mostly over, so there's not a lot left you can do. If you want to do something meaningful it's better to do it earlier.

>and better relationships and friendships is a huge part of that. I'm much more mindful of how I spend my time on earth.

This is all evolutionary as I said before. We're very sensitive to having friends because it was crucial to be part of a group to survive on the prehistoric African sauvana. A long human was soon a dead human. And we bond with our children because we're such an altricial species, our young take so long to mature, we'd get fed up with all the work and abandon them if we we didn't, so we evolved to take satisfaction from it to keep doing it, and all forms of life's purpose is ultimately to pass on their genes. That's why so many people who don't have kids turn their pets into "furbabies" to have something to nurture.

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a_mulher t1_ityedp9 wrote

It’s ok to start socializing now. I don’t want to discount peoples’ very real social anxieties but talking and connecting to people is a skill some are naturally good at and others have to work at it. If it’s important to you, it’s worth a try.

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ihitrockswithammers t1_ityizli wrote

I was all ready to start, then covid arrived! So this year I've been trying to make up for lost time. I took my sculpture to the stage, ok a small one but it was fun. Met a lot of people. I'm still bad at it, but I'm trying for sure.

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Foxsayy t1_ityhl83 wrote

>My stonecarving and clay modelling skills are the envy of some of my colleagues, but my social skills are so poor that I've been single for the whole of the last 20 years, and likely to stay that way.

Hey! Hey! You were doing so good! Get your ass out there and get social!!

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ayaPapaya t1_ityp6m3 wrote

There’s a creation (art, painting, coding, etc) meetup where I’m at. There are also regular figure drawing meetups. Perhaps you can look for experiences at the intersection of what you’re good at and what you wanna get good at (eg art and human connection).

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ihitrockswithammers t1_itypwlr wrote

Thanks for the suggestion! I've been going to various queer meetups cause I feel like that's an aspect of my identity I can connect with people on.

I went really deep into my creative work and find it hard to connect with others on that now, even people I've worked with for many years. It's kind of alienating. It turned into this whole journey of self discovery so if I start talking about it in any depth I get really intense and manage to kill conversations stone dead :/

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ayaPapaya t1_iu0isj1 wrote

Haha i get that. There are others like you (those who go deeeep and are super passionate about their craft). But it’s also good to try new things. Best of luck and if you ever want to talk, feel free to DM me :)

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