I have to love the New Mutants. I remember getting a minor comic book for them, and seeing how everyone mocked Cypher as a kid. How could someone who could speak every language be any good? Then, they found 'oh, it also counts computer language, body language, the language of love', and suddenly he was overpowered.

For a kid who was always told growing up all they'll ever get to be is a random person in sales with my stupid birth power of "knowing exactly the lowest price that someone will sell something for", it was just what I needed to hear to know I could still have a chance. I knew how my life was going to be. Some people moneyball sports, I'll moneyball powers.

My first plan for this was when this kid at school was pissed all he got was to change the color of things at will. I traded him my Larry Johnson rookie card for it. He thought it was a cheap party trick, I knew how useful it could be...and the second I was able to help capture my first bank robber a few days later after running to their getaway car when I changed a red light to green and got him hit by a car to stop him, I was off to the races.

Next it became "giving the kid who could detach his arms at will five bucks for it. He was happy he wouldn't have to worry about it- I could rip my own arm off and have a baseball bat to whack people with...plus, good luck trying to slice me if I can take myself apart at will. The kid who could eat anything was despondent he had the reputation in school of 'the kid who ate weird things for money' and wanted to change his image? My copy of Sonic 3 later, and now I could chew my way through anything and free myself from anything. That kid who talked to ants who thought it was stupid? Great, I'll take that from you- an army of one of the largest populations in the world, especially with them biting and causing some pain, will do me just fine. Plus, it is more sustainable than the time I bought the power to train bees to fight people- the ants won't die after biting people, and when I got the ability to talk to squirrels you don't know which ones have rabies to hurt the person.

Some of it even gave me some hobbies. Sure, you may not like being able to blow up into a ball and bounce around, but being able to squash people is fine with me...plus, it gave me a nice relaxing hobby of sumo wrestling to clear my head. You don't want to convert sound into light waves? Fine, I'll take it and use it to shock and blind my enemies to stop them quickly...especially when added to when I got the power to shoot fireworks from my hands for a nice quick pyro burst. Someone was unhappy they had really good ventriloquism? That's fine, I'll just use it to throw my voice and distract people.

Enough good powers, and people think I'm just useless and sell me their useless powers, and the more and more it has, the stronger and stronger I get without them realizing. But, I have to go, I'm pretty close to getting the money I needed to buy from the person who can change trash into trees, and I might be able to do it without costing me my chance to create balls to stick to people and subdue them.

"Thank you so much, I really needed the money and no one else would by this." The man said before walking away, storing his newly acquired cash in his pocket. A new day a new customer. That's how it works.

I started packing up my little stand from the sidewalk because it was almost closing time, but then I heard footsteps approaching due to my vibration detection.

"Hey Mr. Useless, how's your garbage du-, I mean shop doing?" The man jabbed. It was Jeremy again. He was the rich kid on the block, the one that everyone else hated because he was so arrogant.

"It's pretty good, I got 6 new powers today." I said, putting my best customer service face on.

"Oh? Anything that isn't like you? You know, utter trash?" He said, smirking.

"Well, I got super fast reflexes, teleportation within 10 feet, the ability to know the answer to 2 questions I ask a day, the ability to move my eyes around my body, the ability to glue things together, and I just got real life subtitles." I explained, straining a smile.

"Boo, lame. My invincibility and mind reading are so much better than anything you got."

There he goes again, bragging about his abilities. I bet I could beat him in a fight. Wait, let me try something. Answer me, can I beat Jeremy Garrison with my combined abilities? A voice boomed in my head "Yes, your collected abilities give you a 73.9٪ chance of victory." Without even thinking, I powered up.

"Wait, what are you-" I teleported behind him, grabbed his hand, and put him in a headlock. I telepathically said "don't even try it." I said, before leaving him there.

“For years I was ridiculed for having the dumbest powers . In a world where people can buy and sell powers, being poor leaves you with limited options. Which is why I have such weird powers. However after years of gathering i think I’ve gotten a great combo.

The power I was born with is called “stench”. It’s weird but very useful. It allows me the power to generate any gas I want. When I was a kid it took years of practice to control. Resulting in me constantly stinking. All through school they called me “stink boy”. The bullying was so bad I had to move states.

The first power I bought for ten bucks was “reflection”. This power allows the user the ability to turn any solid surface into a mirror. I got this power from a teenage girl who only used it to do her makeup.

The next power I got was “ highlight ”. This allows the user the power to define and highlight an area. I bought this from a school teacher for a dollar. He was using it for grading. I had bigger plans though.

I bought “Super touch” from a porn star. Since it made the human body extremely sensitive to any vibration. What she didn’t know was that this ability allowed you to feel the vibrations in the air. Which in a fight , this power works as a danger sense. Meaning any attack , as long as it wasn’t telepathic, I’d feel it coming.

I had to save up for a year to purchase “Harden” from a blacksmith . That set me back for a while but it was worth it. “Harden” gave me the power to solidify a defined area into a solid form. He used this to speed up his processes significantly.

The most recent power I bought was called “hole “ it does exactly what it seems like . It creates a hole between to open areas. Plus I can open and close it. It’s only real use is that it lets me enter and exit unnoticed. I bought it from an exterminator. Apparently opening random holes is very useful for trapping rats.

While my powers are weird or useless by themselves. United they’ve turned me into the greatest assassin in the world. “Stench” while it makes me smell it does allow me the power to create ANY gas I want. This includes tear gas and laughing gas. By combining “highlight “ and “harden” I gained the power to create constructs out of shape I create with highlight. It turns out anything I use “Harden” on is nearly unbreakable. Apparently “harden” doesn’t just strengthen the connections between the atoms. It defies all logic how solid they are. When it’s combined with reflection it reflects energy based attacks. “

“So I’m , why are you telling me this?” Jason asked me. He looked at me with disbelief and confusion.

“Well Jason, I was hired to kill you.” I said with a smirk.

“hehe , y-you’re joking right ? How can your stupid powers hurt me.” Jason said looking around the office. There wasn’t any windows but outside were thirty different people.

“Well, over the course of our conversation I’ve been steadily filling this room with laughing gas. Did you know you can suffocate on laughing gas?” I chuckled , the gas was starting to take its effect. So I’d better leave soon.

“Hehe , Y-heh-you can’t be serious. Hahaha “ Jason said as he started laughing. His eyes were terrified as it sank in that he couldn’t escape. He quickly ran to the door in an attempt to escape. Unfortunately for Jason I’d created an invisible box around him. Which prevents me from being exposed. “Hahaha! Please let me HAHAHA , out . ILL PAY ANYTHING HAHAHA”

“See that’s the thing, I didn’t accept the pay for this job. I took this job simply because I hate you. “ my face contorted into a sneer. “I still remember the disgusting ways you would bully me in school. You followed me from kindergarten to my sophomore year of highschool. YOU ALONE ARE THE REASON I MOVED SCHOOLS “

The fear in Jason’s eyes as gratifying. “ B-But that was HAHAH thirteen years ago! “Jason said as he squirmed and struggled punching everywhere in an attempt to shatter the invisible box. I’d used highlight and harden to solidify the air into a box. Even with Jason’s super strength , the box was holding.

“Yes , it was years ago. And now .” I leaned back in against the wall with a smirk.” I’m going to watch as you suffocate within that air tight box”

Tears welled up in Jason’s eyes. There clearly was no way he would escape . His laughter grew louder and louder. The sound was slightly muffled by the box so the people outside just simply though he was laughing at a good joke. “HAHA YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Jason said as he fell to the ground. His the laughter slowly died down as he suffocated .

“Oh please, I used reflection on my body and it defected the light around me so no one saw me enter your office. And I’ve already got my escape route planned .” I tapped the wall I was leaning on creating a hole to the outside . At the same time I created an invisible staircase from his office to the ground. It was the middle of the day so again I used reflection. I walked up to the invisible box I placed around Jason. He had a few seconds left before he passed out. “Now , I’ve completed a life goal, I’m the last thing you see as you die”

Jason’s eyes widened as he laughed and laughed. Until he didn’t laugh anymore . And then there was silence.

I can fly!...an inch off the ground.

I can teleport!...vertically.

I have invincibility!...in my right leg.

I can carry incredibly heavy loads!...but only if they fit in this tiny backpack.

I have access to hammerspace!...but the items contained within don't get lighter.

Sigh

I've purchased these powers and items over the course of thirty years. They're my world's equivalent of penny stocks. Nobody actually wants them, but they sound great on paper. Of course, no one actually advertises the drawbacks; that's for the buyer to find out.

I bought each thing with great expectations, only to be let down each time. I sigh as I analyze my newest purchase, the small hammerspace chest that seems to weigh as much as a bus. It's sitting on a shelf here at the Super Store.

Just as I'm trying to figure out how to drag it home, the shelf breaks. Somehow out of instinct, I duck forward, rather than jumping away. (I never had great instincts.) But, as I brace my muscles for the impact that's sure to come, all I hear and feel is a small plop as the chest falls into my backpack.

I felt that. I know that I did. But, that can't be right. That tiny hammerspace chest weighs a ton. Literally! I should've been crushed just now.

I shuffle a bit on my feet, and I hear the chest clicking inside my backpack. My eyes nearly pop out of my head as I begin to realize what just happened.

I've created a BAG OF HOLDING! Not only that, but the things I've accumulated can COMBINE!?

I rush out of the store, and race to a nearby park. I need to know if the other things can combine as well! I take off my backpack but leave the chest inside it. I then put my hand inside the bag, and inside the chest, and I begin rummaging. Apparently whoever previously owned this chest must've stuffed it full. No wonder it was so heavy! I lay the various items on the ground and analyze them. Too many things to list individually. But there's all sorts of weapons, shields, amulets, etc., and it looks like they can combine, too! I put a fire amulet with a basic steel sword...a flaming sword! How has literally no one done this before!?

I put everything away, deciding that a public park probably isn't the best place to experiment with all this stuff. I pick up my Bag of Holding, which is still light as a feather.

Next, the fun part. I teleport 10 feet into the air, then fall. I deliberately land on my invincible leg, and it drives a foot-shaped hole into the dirt. I get a huge grin. I teleport 15 feet up, and when I'm 5 feet off the ground, I teleport again, coming out sideways. My momentum changes my direction, and I "fly" one inch off the ground about 100 yards in just a few seconds.

My grin gets bigger. I repeat the teleport/teleport/glide function a few times, until I'm outside of town, near an abandoned building that's scheduled for demolition next week. I teleport 20 feet into the air, then drop 15 feet, then teleport sideways. But this time, I extend my invincible leg as I glide on the other, and I break down the door of the abandoned building.

Ohhhhhhhhh... THIS IS GONNA BE FUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Word got out that i was trying to get more powerful. While that is not super uncommon, it has been a pretty laughable subject in the commune considering i’m a highschool dropout living on food stamps.

Through odd jobs and my life savings paid out, i was able to amass a total of 8 powers. And not a single of them is worth a damn on their own. But together, maybe i could do something special that no one else can do.

Most folks with money save up for one big power that makes them extremly useful for a number of things. But i just cant afford to do that. So my thought process was that maybe i could be somewhat useful in any situation by increasing the quantity of powers that possess ratherr than quality.

So far, through the 8 powers i have collected, i have not found a practical use for a single one of them. This has affectionately branded me as Mr. Useless amongst my peers.

From at will self hair removal, to fidget spinner fingers. Nothing i do has any practical use.

And even though i pretty much keep my powers under raps, i decided to confide in my next door neighbor in the commune about my plans to finally become useful. He has the ability to charm most animals in his vicinity. While don’t know the extent of the ability, he runs a small business where he freezes game in place so that hunters can take a clean shot.

He says his name is Hunter but im almost positive that it is a stage name because that is a coinicdence i refuse to believe.

In any case, when i told Hunter about my plans, not 4 hours passed before it was the talk of the commune.

They had affectionately branded me, Mr. Useless. And while it was mean, i couldn’t help but feel like it was incredibly accurate.

But I didn’t care, I had a plan and i was going to stick to it.

So i hop on craiglist like i always do to look for what kinds of powers people are offerring. I see one that sticks out to me as it is an odd job for a power that i think could do wonders for me. I apply and not two seconds later i feel my phone start vibrating n my pocket.

Incoming call from Unknown Number. I thought that it was either a scammer or the guy calling about a new power (or both).

“Hello?” I ask nervously, and In a deep raspy voice a man responds “This Yuri?”.

“Yes, this is him”.

“Perfect, meet me in Kensingtion Park in 20 minutes and i’ll give you the power youre looking for, free of charge, you just have to do a little job for me first”.

I hesistate, my imagination running wild with the possible things that an anonympus craiglist listing would have me do. But i guess that’s the price i’ll have to pay if it means getting the bite strength of a Pitbull.

“See you in 20”.

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